Not being a complete family when DSD aren't around?

[theredhen]

My belief is that being a blended family puts us in lots of different situations. Sometimes we are a couple, when we have no children around, sometimes we are a family of three (when my son is with us), sometimes we are a family of 6 (when DP's children are with us, and my son is not) and sometimes a family of 7. I am capable of enjoying all of the above situations and seeing the positive in any number of variations taking aside the other issues that step parenting brings to my particular situation.

This weekend, we were a family of three (DP, myself and my son). We did things as a "family". I offered for my DP not to come with us, as I know he has difficulties with us being a family when his kids aren't around, I didn't want him to feel pressured or forced. I'd rather have a quiet day with DS alone, than that, but he wanted to join DS and I.

We did have a really lovely time, we did just normal weekend things - we went shopping, bowling and had lunch out. I didn't feel like piggy in the middle for once and all was good. I will readily admit the bowling would have been better if his kids had been with us as it's much more fun with lots of people, but the shopping was lovely as we could eat in a nice restaurant without both us of nearly having heart failure at getting the kids to behave and eat "funny" food. I could see DP was happy and relaxed and each of us did things we wanted to do.

So it got to the end of each day and I get the almost compulsory phrase of "it would be nice if my kids could have been there". Now, I don't mind him saying this and I understand he misses his kids but I do struggle with the fact that he can't be positive about anything unless it involves his kids.

It made me think how awful it must be for those of you who have children with your DP's and how you could be made to feel "less of a family" because your step children are living life that particular day as part of their other family with their other parent.

My ex partner was exactly the same, so I've come to expect it, to be honest. I just wondered if you get this from your partners too?

I don't fully understand as I don't have children of my own, but I know how hard it is when I feel DP doesn't enjoy aspects of our life together, and I feel I'm a "substitute" or "time filler" for when he doesn't have his kids... he tells me I'm not, but sometimes it feels like that.

I used to - DP really struggled with the time DD was with me, but DSC were with their Mum; I have 50:50 of DD, but DSS is EOW.

As DP has bonded with DD, it has become much easier for him though, he is rewarded by DD having a good time, rather than thinking that his DC's are missing out - we now plan different things based on the particular dynamic of the family at that time.

Last Easter, the two of us took DSS on a London City Break without DD because she goes into London lots with exH family, and we wanted DSS to have that experience for himself without a little voice referrring to last time she was there
Similarly, when DD is here but not DSS, we plan slightly more "adult" activities for the three of us, which DSS can get bored of, or plays up because he is not "winning" that particular board game, for instance.

I see it as a huge benefit of the blended family dynamic - most "first" families don't have these opportunities as frequently - perhaps if one child is at a party, or school trip, but not routinely.

I tell people that my children are "on time share", and that we get to enjoy them at different times and in different combinations

Hi, I think we are getting used to being a fluctuating family - usually 4, down to 3 when DSS away. We found it easy when we had only DSS - either he was with us or it was adult time. It took a while to adjust after DS was born, we felt odd being with a child but only one of them. Now we are more used to it. We realised that we occasionally need to do fun stuff when DSS not here, stuff to recharge our batteries so we are more able to help if he is sad. Also, we realised we were missing opportunities like attending one day only events because we felt guilty not taking DSS, but he was off having fun which meant we were not being very fair to DS! It's so complex, isn't it? Anyway we have decided to just do what we want on any given day and if we are 3 or 4 it doesn't matter.

My DP does feel the absences more than me, although I hate the holidays when DSS is away and DP at work, just so horribly quiet when just me and DS all day.

If I'm honest, all of us like the normal weeks best, so he sees mum but we see him too. Summer hols with two weeks away are awful. But we no longer feel guilty, just miss him a bit like I would if DP was away.

Interesting post - in our set up it's me that most often spends time with DP and his DCs, and not my own DCs (mine are at their dad's for half the weekends). I have sometimes found it a bit hard to enjoy family things without missing them. But I'm getting to develop the same attitude you describe in your post - that there are fun times to be had in whatever combination of people are around me.

I wouldn't take "Shame my DCs weren't here" to = "I didn't have a fun time because they weren't here" though - more that your DP did have a nice time, and is just feeling a little sad that his DCs missed out.

DP does seem OK about spending time with me and my DCs - though this is mainly just small bits of time in the week after work. He's (understanably) reluctant to use any annual leave up doing things just with me and the DCs - which means I wonder whether he will ever come and visit my parents or sister (5/6 hours drive away).

Other problem is the DCs themselves - all of them (his and mine) sometimes sound a bit hurt when they hear of fun things that their parent has done with the other DCs. DP and me took his younger two DCs to a climbing wall yesterday which my DCs would have loved. I've yet to mention it to them, but if I don't they'll find out from DP's DCs next weekend so it will seem like I've gone behind their back, so I'm feeling a bit guilty about it :(, which is silly of course, as I'm sure they had fun at their dad's.

I don't think there are any very easy answers.

I know this isn't what you are describing or what you asked about, really....

but even though my SCs are residential, I feel that we have this, anyway. It is definitely added to by the fact that DD is just a toddler and the SCs are teenagers with school and their 'own lives' - the age gap means we are doing very different sorts of things with the kids. And I lived with DD, just us two, for her first six months and am still the primary caregiver/decision-maker for her. So I still feel - even though we all live together - that there are four family combinations: me and DD; me and DD and DH; DH and SCs; or all of us together. It isn't just about the time we spend together or in the different configurations, but also about our identity as people, I guess. There are differences of culture, lifestyle, parenting style, and expectation between me and my DH (and between me and First Wife, I suppose) and that means DD is being raised differently from her half-siblings, so sometimes and in some ways, we go our separate ways, so to speak. (The holidays are always an example of this - the SCs are used to them being a certain way, and it seems important to give them continuity with that; but it doesn't mesh with my traditions or what we feel is right for DD, so we end up spending them largely apart and doing things in multiple ways so that everyone gets what they need.)

I am OK with this 'multi-unit' family set-up, in fact, I think it is pretty 'natural' for us and anything else would feel wrong and a bit false, even.

I know some people would see this as a problem, but I (and the SCs) are pretty relaxed about it. It bothers DH from time to time, but mostly he seems to accept it as just the way things are.

I really just believe that there are many different ways of 'being a family', and our family looks this particular way. :)

I thought about this a bit last night and I think DP would be pretty miffed if everytime I gave up my time to do things with his kids, I commented on how much nicer it would be if my DS was there. I also think his kids would feel upset that they weren't "good enough" for me if I were to say it in front of them (which DP does in front of DS).

I think it's simply because he doesn't feel he has a say in when he sees his kids that he craves them every minute.

as brdgrl has slightly side-tracked I shall do the same - my own dc's are grown-up and my 2 dsd's live with us half the time. I have a problem with all the things I am helping to provide for my dsd's that I wasn't able to give my own dc's.

I know it's silly but exH and I had no money and we only had 3 family holidays in over 20 years. days out were as rare as hens teeth and they all had part-time jobs as teenagers.

dsd's have 2 or 3 holidays every year and days out are the norm (as with most kids these days I know). I doubt very much if they will earn any money until they are at Uni - if then. I find it hard and although I'm sure my dc's don't feel the same it does bother me that it is so unequal.

I often get that "it would have been great to do this with my kids" feeling...