I feel like I'm mourning a break up

[therantingBOM]

Morning all, I won't be back until tonight as I'm working today but I need to vent a little in order to move on with my day!

So DSD didn't come this weekend (she was supoosed to come on Friday night through until Saturday afternoon) she went to her friends house for the night instead - was offered for the friend to come here but she didn't want her to.

DH told her he wasn't happy about it but she said that she has a social life and it's not fair for her to miss out on things. she does have a point actually, what teenager wants to spend all weekend with her Dad!? - but the point being that if she was still coming here in the week like before then she could spend the weekends with friends and it wouldn't mean we hadn't seen her.

Anyway, we knew this in the week and so planned a nice London break (very enjoyable actually!)

DH had had harsh words with DSD on Thursday about the fact that he has said no more pocket money (pocket money was agreed on the basis that she do ceratin things around the house and that her attitude remained in the "acceptable" bracket, now she is never here and when she communicates with him it is all bile and venom he said he feels disinclined to hand over £50 every month - I thought this decision was questionable given the timing but it's his choice and I understand his logic) Anyway - I suggested while we were away that he call her just to say Hi and see how she is - you know, be the bigger person. Which he did and he was really pleased because they had a nice chat - albeit quick.

So yesterday I thought I'd send her a little facebook message telling her a little about our weekend and asking how she is. I kept refreshing my page like a love sick teenager and yet she didn't reply. She's been on FB loads since then and hasn't acknowledged me at all.

She also hasn't acknowledged the little letter that DD wrote her over a week ago.

I know It's not about me, it's about her relationship with DH. But I feel so sad and bereft over how we were so close (or so i thought) for nearly 4 years and I have seen her (actually helped her!) grown from an 8 year old child in to an almost teenager and now all that work and love has been thrown back in my face. I feel so rejected and I understand that it is because of the brainwashing from her mother but I can't help but feel so sad.

I won't be on FB today but I'll check it tonight - cross your fingers for a reply for me!

Those of you who are FB friends - have a look at my pics and tell me I'm not imagining that she and I were close

BOM I am more a lurker normally but didn't want to read and run. I have this feeling at times too... I try to remember how vile I was to my parents around that age, with no complicated extended family to factor in!

I believe that if you were close once, that will reappear with time and maturity... Not much consolation now I know, but with so many things in parenting it's all about the long view!

Aww, BOM. That stinks.
She must be pretty confused and upset. And she's cross with her dad, but it is easier to take it out on/ignore you.
Keep doing what you are doing - occasional notes; kind words; keeping things 'normal' when you do see her....she'll be back around, I bet.

I was that teenager

I loved my sm and my dad but once I became a teenager I just stopped going there every weekend , It wasn't anything to do with the adults in my life , it was simply I had better things to do (or so I thought) I did come back after a few years and the relationships were built back up again and now I am really really close to both sets of my parents and can't quite believe I behaved the way I did .

It honestly wasn't anything to do with a fall out or being against my sm or dad and I wasn't spending any more time with my mum , it was all about my friends .

She will be back I am sure and I know i must be hard for you to not see her but try not to take it personally .

I'm so sorry and I can relate to it as well. My current relationship with DSS is positive but it depends on what is happening in his mum's life - he is encouraged to come to us as mum has new a b/f so weekends without DSS are appreciated. We even had Christmas despite it being the mum's turn but DSS was told to come to us as mum wanted to spend solo time with her b/f.

However when DSS's mum is having relationship difficulties DSS is prevented from coming to us and we get many reasons none of which are real. I don't feel that a 12 year old has a need for a social life, over her relationship with her dad. If it was genuinely the case a cooperative parent would ensure that DSD came to you on one of the days. She is punishing you/your DH and of course it hurts. So often we hear from mum's about the physical pain that they feel when they are separated from DCs, it is the same for caring dads. If there was a genuine diary clash that you would know it and you wouldn't be feeling so hurt.

DSD is losing from this - anyone who lashes out like this ends up hurting themselves. She must feel some emotion when deciding not to respond to your DD but she is obviously ignoring those feelings which if left unchecked can turn to anger. For a teen this can be highly destructive.

I feel for you - your DH's relationship with his daughter had a price tag - £2.5k per year?? How sad and awful is that.

Will it get better??? I truly don't know, most adult children of step parents ultimately recognise the manipulation but when that happens seems to highly variable. All your DH can do is keep lines of communication open, let her know he does still care, even if she is angry. He is right to enforce boundaries as the cash he has given her seems to be equated with love and he needs to break that link. Maybe find ways to give her caring gestures that aren't money related - the letter, pictures or small tokens might be a good example.

BOM - have you ordered a copy of "Come Back Pluto" yet? Everything you have just described is on the DVD - it is uncanny how accurate it is, but reassuring in some ways that the situation is so common that a self-help programme has been produced!

Once DSS rejected me and gave DP her ultimatum - I defriended her on FB. After a a few weeks she eventually noticed and asked DP (during one of their few coffee dates) why I had done so
DP still shares some of DSD FB stuff with me occasionally - but when she is being particularly dramatic and vile to us on there, I disengage and tell him I really don't want to know

Hi BOM, i'll cross my fingers. Do let us know if she gets in touch. It is so hard, because you have no power to make her see you. When it is your own kid, even if it is hell you usually get to see them. Take care.

Thanks all - will read through tonight with a

BOM, sorry you feel so rubbish about this.

Please don't automatically think that she doesn't want to reply to you though. Perhaps the other stuff she is doing on FB is just easier - she's probably wanting to put a little thought into what she writes to you and so it is taking her longer to reply. She probably hasn't even thought that she either needs to reply to you or that she needs to reply to you within a certain timescale.

It can be so bitter sweet when children get older and want to do things by themselves. Try not to beat yourself up. I doubt very much this is about you, but probably more about her being a typical 12 year old and not thinking too much about others stuff like that.

Thanks so much everyone - I have a now!

Still no reply, and she's been on Facebook loads. I take on board that a lot of it may be teenage stuff but the rejection is hard to take when she's adding photos of her mum all the time and gushing about how fabulous she is.

I do realise that it is normal for her to want to spend more time with her friends but the thing that is annoying is that she uses her "mum" time to be with ehr mum, but her "dad" time to be with her friends. Are we really that awful!? I know we are not and that it is the brainwashing but it doesn't stop it hurting.

I haven't order come back pluto yet NADM - but thanks, you have kicked me up the arse and I will do. Is it only available from the US? I can't see it in the UK anywhere... Not that that should matter.

Yup - only from the US, but seems to be region-free as it plays fine on my laptop.

The total for the DVD and shipping is less than £25 - and it arrives by airmail within a few days - I know it sounds expensive, but I am convinced that once you watch it you will agree it is money well spent!

(SP ordered a second copy and sent it to DSD at the weekend - but it appears that she has had her laptop confiscated again as she has not been on FB for days!!!)

Still no response

I like the idea from rindercella that maybe she's just putting thought in to what she wants to say... not sure I'm convinced but will keep it with me.

NADM I am looking for it on Amazon but it says region 1 on it which I don't think is UK..? Do you remember where you bought yours?

Can I also ask, does it in any way accuse the alienating parent? From experience I know that DSD's ears close up at the merest sniff of criticism towards her Mum.

God, I've love get her to watch it... here's hoping.

Still no response :(

God, I really am a love sick teenager ha ha

I have also seen on facebook that she has started going out with a boy she has fancied for ages we have spent hours upon hours talking baout him (and boys in general) and I'm really sad that I'm not a part of it all.

A couple of months ago she would have been straight home to tell me all about it.

BOM a lot of your feelings are shared by biological mums when their daughters grow up, too; they feel as though they have 'lost' their daughters as they grow up and naturally pull away.
If your DSD is still close to her mum, then that is more unusual and possibly an indication that she fears her mum is less invested in her than you or her dad are - DCs reject the parents they know will love them no matter what.

Thanks NADM, I did read that back when you wrote it and it is a nice thing to beleive, I passed it on to DH and we agreed it does make sense.

But just to catch up - she stayed ALL WEEKEND! She wasn't quite as natural with me as she used to be but she was engaging, polite, kind to DD... DH and I are sooo pleased. And a little shocked!

One thing to make a note of is that we were all laughing and joking in a restaurant together thi safternoon, really relaxed and happy. I said "ooh, pphoto time" and got my camera out. She changed immediately, started frowning and pulled away from all of us. I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn't say, she agreed to have the photo taken but made me promise I was going to show anyone or put it on Facebook.

If she hadn't been happily letting us take photos of just her or if she hadn't been taking self-portrait pics of herself on her iphone I would say it is just shy teenager stuff but no. It's clear to me she was worried about the fact that she is appy with us documented.

It made me feel so sad that she has to be onguard like this all the time for fear of mummy's delicate sensibilties being affected if she found out that her DD doesn't pine afer her in misery all the time they're not together.

But anyway, as I said to DP, what does it matter if his ex thinks she hates spending time with us. She doesn't, and so I'm happy to keep the secret if it means she can have 1 or two days every couple of weeks being herself.

Hopefully it will go back to being more than that soonish.

No DVD yet NADM but we will still get her to see it. This new attitude seems like a good starting point.

Brilliant news, so glad for you and your DH. This could be a real success and a turn around from the pre christmas situation.

oh, good! i hope it continues to improve.

like you say - if she needs to pretend right now that she's not enjoying herself, well, that's a shame, but the reality is more important. and sooner or later she'll get tired of playing her mum's game, i should think!

I'm going through a similar thing and you're right I do feel lovesick. DSD is 18 and has moved in with PIL who live 2 mins away, she moved out just after Xmas after an argument with DH. She's now decided its all my fault cause I basically exist and is saying lots of horrid thing about me. But is still talking normally to DH. If I text it gets ignored, I'm constantly checking her Facebook to see what she's up to, I'm dreading bumping into her outside the house cause I don't know what to do if I see her. Her mum ditched her at 3 and I came into her life when she was 16. We do argue like mother and daughter but she's asked me to adopt her, got a tattoo for me (I'm supposed to get a matching one but can't afford it yet) calls me mum, and now she's told me she hates me I've ruined her life and wants nothing more to do with me. It's very hurtful! She'll come around (so everyone keeps telling me) you're/I'm the easiest person to blame, it obviously can't be her fault, she doesn't want it to be her dads fault so the step mum's the easiest target to point hate at