Please help. At the end of my tether.

[Lala1980]

Please can anyone help me. I'm really not very child orientated. I was never going to have children. Then I met my almost perfect man but he has 4 children (aged 3,6,7,9). They stay with us every other weekend which doesn't sound like a lot but it impacts my whole life. I love my partner so much and he's normally really loving and attentive. But the weekends the kids are here, it is like I'm not here and I don't exist. The kids don't dislike me so I'm not struggling with getting on with them per se. But their mother who they live with most of the time just seems to let them do what they want so their manners and behaviour is (to me, having been brought up quite strictly) quite attrocious at times, although I'm not used to kids so maybe I'm just over sensitive. They have no respect for our house and furniture, wake up at the crack of dawn, wind up the dogs, help themselves to the fridge/biscuit tin, draw on my table cloth, don't pull the flush, monopolise the TV, have no Ps & Qs, act like our house is theirs, and my boyfriend basically ignores me... But because my boyfriend thinks if he tells them off or instills any discipline, that they won't want to come here and see him, he lets them get away with things. I just dread them coming because my house is not my own any more, my boyfriend seems to forget I'm here, and every little thing grates on me. It's been over a year now and it just isn't getting any easier. I've tried getting more involved, I've tried taking a step back or not being there, I just can't seem to muster any enthusiasm for them coming here. I think I resent the fact that because of them we have no money and my partner will always have close contact with his ex. I'm just struggling so much and I've always been a "coper" and I can't any more. I feel like a stranger in my own life and it's bringing me down... I've been diagnosed with anxiety and put on valium, I'm going to 1-2-1 counselling, and to a stress and emotion management group course, but I still don't feel this is getting any better, and my relationship is falling apart around my ears. Help me please...

His children aren't going anywhere and if you cannot deal with them then it's kinder to let him go tbh. I don't think it's fair to suggest your anxiety is because of the 2 days of 14 you have to spend with them either. Anxiety is horrible, I've been there, but this is one of the stresses of life with your boyfriend that will not change. As for them treating their house as their own and dipping into the biscuit tin, well, so they should. If you cannot get past your resentment of the fact they'll always be in your dp's, and therefore your, life, then you need to end the relationship.

Thank you - I actually do appreciate your bluntness. However, I WANT to make it work, and am after advice on what I can do to make things better, how I want to try and work with my partner to try and help him see that a little disipline will help the children not push them away from him - I'm not a quitter. I was having a rant because it does get me down, but I want some proactive advice on making things work if I can. I understand that what you're saying is ultimately true if I can't get to grips with motherhood, and sharing my DP but I'd like to try and I'm hoping there are people out there who started off in a place like where I am now and have got through it who can show me light at the end of the tunnel, and practical advice on what I can try? x

Could you go out with friends on one of the days they come?
The other one cook a roast, have a glass of wine and just go with the flow
Play wii with them, have movie afternoons

I hate to say 'go read other threads on this board' because it sounds a bit like I'm not bothering to write a proper response to you! But the things you describe are so familiar, and I think it will help you to have a long mosey through past threads...you will see that you are not alone. Most of us stepmums can relate, actually.

Also, one thing you will soon notice is that the common theme in these situations is not the stepkids as much as it is the partners - the DPs and DHs who allow these circumstances to spin out of control. You say "They have no respect for our house and furniture, wake up at the crack of dawn, wind up the dogs, help themselves to the fridge/biscuit tin, draw on my table cloth, don't pull the flush, monopolise the TV, have no Ps & Qs, act like our house is theirs, and my boyfriend basically ignores me... But because my boyfriend thinks if he tells them off or instills any discipline, that they won't want to come here and see him, he lets them get away with things."

You're right - these things are upsetting. Some are things you can learn to live with if you decide to go ahead with a relationship and a life with kids in it. Kids will wake up at inconvenient times, kids will be loud and annoying, kids will misbehvae and forget things, and basically your life will not be the same with them there. All of that, you will have to decide if you are prepared to deal with and maybe even eventually find some pleasure in. BUT - some of these things you don't have to accept...you should be able to have reasonable and age-appropriate expectations about the kids' behaviour, respect for your things, a modicum of privacy, etc, etc. You might need some outside help figuring out what those "reasonable, age-appropriate" expectations are, especially if you don't have much experience with kids yourself.

But it sounds from this like your real frustration is that your stepkids are not following any sort of house rules, and your DP is being a "Disney Dad" - afraid to hold the kids to reasonable expectations of behaviour.

I actually can't agree with fuckity, because I think things can change, and I don't think you are the only one who needs to make some changes! Too often, the burden is put on the stepparent to do all the compromising.

Things have changed quite a bit in my case - still loads of issues and some very bad days - but unrecognizable from four years ago. That is only because both me and my DP - and my SCs, too - were able and willing to put a massive amount of effort into implementing changes. My DP was and still is a Disney Dad, but I'd say he is a Disney Dad in recovery.

Whose house is it by the way? Did their dad move in with you? I wouldn't be happy that he's letting them trash the place

Thank you brdgrl and Gumby for putting a positive spin on it for me.
Gumby, I moved in with their dad onto their family farm, so the property belongs to my partner's family, but it was a new home for him too when we moved in together.
I understand that I need to learn and understand what is them "just being kids" and what is actually naughty or unreasonable behaviour. My problem is that because of the total lack of discipline and parentship at their mother's (she just lets the TV and Xbox babysit and bring them up) they haven't really learned good behaviour. Is it unreasonable to expect children to understand that there are different sets of expectations at our house to their mum's?
I will read old threads as you say I hope this will be very helpful.
I would love to work with my DP to co-parent and compromise etc, but he gets so defensive if I make even a slightly negative comment relationg to the kids, that if I even try to talk about how I'm feeling we end up rowing. He says that he knows his kids aren't perfect, but it's not how his actions speak...
There are 3 boys and 1 girl. I find it easier bonding with the little girl (7) as I understand girls better and can suggest things in common we can do.
I am just not used to boys, their rough and tumble etc... The oldest boy (9) has aspergers and sleep issues and is a real troublemaker to the others, always lying and telling tales, if he wakes up first you can guarantee the whole house wakes up...
The 6 year old boys is like Jekyll and Hyde - sometimes he's angelic, and other times he is just ignorant, and just looks at you.
The youngest is 3, nearly 4, but his mother hasn't really taken the time to potty train him, it worries me he is still in nappies and starts school next year, but I can't potty train him in 2 days out of 14 if it is not followed up at home. I think his speech is really underdeveloped.
The kids have all had hacking coughs for weeks but the ex won't seem to take them to the doctors. She doesn't work so I don't know what she does all day...
Sorry I'm venting again!

You shouldn't be the sole person who worries about potty training them and taking them to the doctor. I am not saying you don't have a role in parenting the kids - some people will say that to you and tell you to back off completely from such things but I am definitely not one of those! However...your DP should be the "front line" in such things. If he is leaving those aspects of parenting to you, that is just not fair - especially if it's accompanied by him refusing to enforce any discipline or any support for you. You're not his housekeeper or nanny. You're his partner.

I don't have an "ex" in our lives, so I am not going to say much about that - but I would I think suggest not spending too much mental energy on figuring out what the mum is doing or not doing or on what is wrong with the way she parents. It almost doesn't matter, because as you say, the kids can have different sets of rules at each home. Even pretty small children can understand and even thrive with different rules for different settings. I think what matters is that your house rules are fair, that they're age-appropriate, and that they are jointly agreed upon by you and your DP.

If you can't get your DP to be a united front with you, you'll never get things to work, I'm afraid.

Hi, I think you have to have a serious think if this is what you want for the next 15+ years of your life. I am not surprised this is hard for you, I found it a major shock to the system when I moved in with one stepchild, so four is a lot to take in!

If your partner will not let you co-parent due to his own defensiveness or whatever, you cannot improve the situation. I am not personally in favour of one-sided compromise, it does not make happy relationships. So if he won't budge at all, you have got a major problem.

I am concerned that you describe yourself as 'not a quitter' as though that is always a good thing. Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do, sometimes staying is the right thing to do.

In all honesty, do you want this life for the next decade and a half? It will get harder as the kids get older, not easier.

Talk to your counsellor a lot about this, they should be able to help you work it all out. Whilst you are working through things I suggest trying not to get too hung up on what the kids are doing, but focus on yourself. Take care.

I really hate to sound so negative, but with all things considered, I really do think you should call it quits.

TBH I have found it hard enough with 2 DSSs. Having 4 of them, and feeling like you do now, you have an amazingly large upward struggle against you, really that's what I think. It's easy for others to say that this can't be driving your anxiety as it's only every other weekend, but to feel like it's 5 to 1, 1 weekend in every 2, is quite a struggle. I know first had that that can feel so alienating.

Only you can make the choice. But hand on heart, my honest advice, please run a mile. Life doesn't have to be so hard.

Gosh yours is a tough one. The posters who suggest that it can change are right. It really can. But it takes A LOT of work and often a lot of tears and I am very concerned at your mindset. Not in a judgey way but in a

Firstly, the issue of them treating the house as though it is theirs is absolutely fair - it should be. However them being disrespectful is not and your problem is not with them, its with your partner. It is his responsibility to ensure they behave and you and he need to set down some guidelines for behaviour that you can both agree on - you being a bit more realistic then you are, him being a bit fairer on you as you are not his housekeeper you are his partner and deserve a say. However TBH noisy, loud boys barracking around being pita's sounds entirely normal. They sound like kids - they wind each other up, are up early and are generally pains in the arse. Par for the course.

I also have a bit of a concern (again not judgy, again coming from experience) with your focus on his ex. We all feel like that at times but your not there day in day out so pinning all responsibility on her is going to drive you mental. Try and see it from her side - four kids, one with SN is bloody hard work for anyone to cope with on their own and if she is struggling your partner needs to be picking up the slack a bit more. The kids have two parents, if the little ones speech is slow and his manual skills are behind then BOTH of them need to be looking at it - it really isnt your job to try and deal with it.

The change is going to be in you a lot though, and my biggest concern is that one year in, out of effectively four days a month you are having to get that level of support I am worried for your health. No amount of positive words or advice will help if you just cannot deal with it and trust me what you are talking about IS the life of a step - each and every one of us faces and feels similarly at times and it sucks but you seem to be finding the adjustment really very difficult indeed and I am concerned for you.

I think you need to look at the life you have right now and ask yourself very honestly if this is what you want because it wont change overnight and it wont change dramatically ever. When one issue goes another will pop up - you will get one to behave and another will start mucking about. You and your dp will get to grips with things and the ex will kick off about something. Its hard but its part of being a family and you can make the choice. You either throw yourself into it or you can make yourself miserable dreading them being there every other week. We can support you but we cant change the fact that maybe you werent ready for this.

If you really are determined to try and make this work perhaps one suggestion can help you. Ask yourself what your ideal situation looks like - is it more attention from your partner on kids visits (although if he only sees them every other week I am afraid with four of them there you are being a bit unrealistic) and if it is how can you realistically work with him to make that happen. Is it more space for yourself on those weekends - if so consider that time with your girlfriends to do your own thing. Try and work out what the biggest issues are for you and work on those but learn to let the smaller battles (like them getting up early) go.

I think you need to make plans to be out when they come. It's not really fair on them to have you there when you are so anxious all the time. That's if the counselling doesn't work of course as it could take some time.

As some others have said, most step mothers can relate with some if not all of your post at various times so don't feel alone.

Have you tried to tell your DP you think he needs to discipline more? This is why I'm an advocate of more 50/50 access as it gveshim longer to instill his disciplinary views on them. On the little time he has it is virually impossible.

I wouldn't worry too much what the mother does as kids are capable of sticking to different rules in different places - I bet they behave at school!!

My dp has four kids too and I can relate to so much of what you say. I don't have time to post much now but please read my old posts so you can at least realise your feelings aren't abnormal. I have a child of my own and that doesn't make me any more tolerant of the Disney parenting!

As time has gone on I have come to realise that most off the problems are caused by my partner and his reactions to situations. The frustration has definitely had an effect on my mental health and the stress and tension can last so much longer than the contact time.

I think the key is to get your partner to work with you so you can both parent the kids in a way you're both happy with.

Easily said but the reality of getting it to happen is sooo much harder!