Really low after seeking help from 'family support charity'

[chelen]

Hi, just what the title says. I rang for some input about the lying (thanks to you for reading/replying btw, will go back on there when chance). The woman, who knew nothing about why DSS lives here, nothing about any of us or his mum, talked a bit about control and consequences, which all made sense. Then she said 'is there no way he can just go to live with his mum, because it sounds like he doesn't want to live with you'. I fluffed a bit about not sure this would be ideal before saying I thought that was a horrid thing to say and hanging up.

I am now in bits. How can it be ok to say that to us? It doesn't even make sense, he would lose out on his dad and brother, even if he doesn't give a toss about me. I feel like we get no help even from professionals.

So now, even the supposed support charities basically say it's all my fault. I've worked my arse off.

I've rung to make a complaint but I just feel I might as well give up.

You are right to complain - and she was completely wrong. and it's not your fault.

A lot of these support charities are run by volunteers with only a small amount of training. People have bigoted opinions and to be honest, charities are keen to recruit and will take all sorts if people. I think you're right to complain but also remember that you're not necessarily dealing with highly trained professionals.

Which charity was it? I had a mixed experience with Family Lives.

I went to one session of a parenting course run by a charity. My dd is a truely sh!te sleeper. DD is two years and eight months has never slept through in her life. I atttended one session of the 6 week course. It was so patronizing. I do not need to be lectured for two hours on the fact that children have feelings as well. I also had a daft woman insisting on filling a form for me as I might have literacy difficulties, even though I told her I have a degree.

Admitally a different lady from the charity was much better. She sent me a list of useful books and websites. The lady was more understanding, that I was on completely the wrong parenting course. It does seem to be a bit of the luck of the draw what different volenteers are like.

If you have had a negative experience then you need to give feedback to the charity as this is a training issue. A different person from the charity may well be better.

chelen, post on Mumsnet if you need support.

Thanks for replying. One of the Directors will apparently call me later and I will explain how the call made me feel.

I know they are not professionals and I've had fairly useless calls before but this one was so horrible it took my breath away.

It was Family Lives. I've recommended them before, I've used them a lot, I had great support from a woman who gave me six 1-hour phone consultations when I was getting my head round being a stepmum at first. This time, it just broke me. I was trying to talk about lying and chores, and to be hit with that just made me feel really hopeless.

I shall never phone them again I think. I used to call them when I felt a bit overwhelmed and didn't want to over react to my stepson. I'll just have to find another way to deal with it.

I think you were right to complain - I'm sure they'd never say that to a single mother - just suggest that she should send her child off to live with the other parent because she was having a few difficulties, or suggest to a couple that they should pack them off elsewhere. You are the one who is acting as your DSS's parent and doing your best by him - what she did was really undermining for you, and can understand why it would make you feel crap.

The charity shouldn't be employing peole (even as volunteers) who are going to base their advice on their own predjudices about who a child should be living with without knowing anything about the circumstances. Maybe they can find you someone better to speak to?

Apologies fr missing this chelan but how old are they? If 11/12+ I would definitely reccomend that book I mentioned on the original thread.

Hi BOM, thanks for replying yes I looked at the book but he's a lot younger - only 8. I think my DP has formulated a plan so I'll back him up and review in a few months - wish us luck!

All the luck in the world lovely