Going out in the evening - will you DP get a sitter?

[Purpleroses]

Trying to get some perspective here. DP has his DCs every weekend. I have mine in the week, but know pleanty of teenagers who will babysit (for money) and I use them quite a bit so we can go out together, maybe once a fortnight.

But a lot of social things that I'd like to do - and indeed the only days we can go out without a horribly early start the next day for DP (who commutes) are weekend nights. He has very ocassionally asked his DD1(14) to sit in the past but this is becoming less use because she is getting too much of her own social life so is out pretty much every Saturday . I've suggested he pays a teenager (he lives near enough that I could recommend him one that I use) but he makes vague excuses, says DS1(13) is maybe old enough - but in reality he really isn't - would sit up all night playing computer games and doesn't have the authority needed over the younger two (9 and 11), so it doesn't happen.

I'd like to go out to a ceildh this Friday that some friends of mine are going to and have suggested it to DP (who quite likes that sort of thing, and knows some of the friends) but he says he can't go because he picks up the DCs on a Friday and they like to watch TV with him in the evening.

So that seems that every Friday we cannot go out and every Saturday we cannot go out. We can only go out in the week when I leave my DCs with a sitter.

AIBU? He does only have his DCS two nights a week, so I think he feels he needs to spend this time with them - but that's every single weekend night, which means very little social life together :(

if you only saw your children 2 days a week would you not want to spend as much time as you could with them>?

Do you have your own DC every other weekend, or are they always away at weekends?

At those ages (ie. not needing to be in bed by 7), wouldn't it be fun if you all went together to a celidh? Watching tv til late every weekend can't be that great.

Mine at at their dad's on alternate weekends.
Yes, I can understand that he wants to spend time with them but in any intact family it's normal enough for the adults to go out once in a while and leave them with a sitter. Don't really see what it has to be so different for us.

Good point Rough. Are you sure it's not just that your DP is a bit of a homebody and is not as keen on the going out as you so falls back on the kids (and the commuting) as an excuse? That's still something to resolve, but the issue's different.

Rough - yes I could suggest that. Younger two might like it. Older two would not want to go to a ceilidh with their dad though.

Eighties - no, he'd be keen enough if he didn't have the DCs. It's just that because he only has them at weekends, he feels he has to spend the evenings with them. Nice to spend time with them, but the evenings at weekends are the main time that social things with other adults happen.

Get an adult babysitter. Teens looking after younger teens causes deep embarrassment.

Purpleroses - if your DP wants to maintain a normal adult relationship with you, then he has to make time for this. And yes, adult social events usually take place on Friday and Saturday night's, and if he won't go out on those night's then he's denying you a joint social life which is unfair. If he wants to devote alternate weekends to the children, then fair enough, you stand a chance of compromising, but to never be able to go out at the weekend is not on.

I thought I was the only one!! My DP's EXW refuses to get a babysitter and will not let us get a sitter. The GP are not allowed either only her or my DP are allowed to 'babysit' DSD. It has been driving me mad for the last year and a half, DSD is 3yrs old and in bed by 8pm, we can easily go out after that and it would not effect DP's time with DSD but no, no one is good enough to do it. I wouldn't even be allowed. Its no wonder they split up! I feel for you

13 is a tricky age for babysitters. They almost don't need one, but there isn't really a big enough age gap for most teenagers. I have used 18/19 year olds who had younger brothers; but also had a 22 year old who did it once and wouldn't ever do it again. I do have a 20 year old that I might get in if it was my 13 and 8 year old, or even the 15 year old and very late/overnight. Otherwise it does tend to need to be an adult and an adult used to teenagers.

Can you not go out without him?

I often go out without DH (and vice versa) as we don't know that many people who will babysit.

Thanks Petal - that is what I think is reasonable. There's no way he's want to go down to alternate weekends (and I wouldn't ever suggest it) but if it is going to be every weekend then it has to be a bit more like normal life where they are there because they live there at weekends and not because they need to spend every moment with their dad.

Alfred and mummytime - yes I'd not really thought about that issue with teenagers sitting other teens. It is possible that's part of the reason he's not been very keen on my suggestion that he uses one of my sitters. It's hard to find older sitters though, but he's not short of cash so could even go for an agency if he wanted.

Ticktock - that sounds a crazy situation - it's not the ex's business if you get a sitter or not! But fortunately for me, I don't think she's have any probem with it. It's just DP's uncertainty that's the problem.

Lance - yes I do, and he's absolutely fine about me going out without him. But it would be nice sometimes to go out together.

What if you just booked an adult sitter for one night so you could do something special? If he could do it for a very speical occation like a brithday or something then it could be a way to mention it again after. I'm sorry its such a frustrating situation.

Ticktock - that's a really good idea. I think the main reason he won't get a sitter is because he's never got a sitter before.... so that could break the cycle.

Only issue is likely to be that he'd first offer it to his DD1 (who is old enough and resonsible enough to sit) so I'd have to try and make sure it was a time when she was doing something else and not skint enough to want to sit instead.