Is it reasonable to be frustrated by this....?

[Trixidoll]

DP and I have been together for two years and have a house together. He has two young DCs who stay with us every weekend; I have a great relationship with them.
The only issue I have is that DP goes round to the exs house one night every week so she can go out and he doesn?t get home till gone 10pm. I don?t begrudge him spending time with his DCs but they are in bed and asleep by 7.00pm. I just think it is a bit odd that he then spends 3 hours in his exs house ?babysitting?. He has suggested that he picks them up from school and brings them back to ours and they stay the night but this apparently is not an option as it will ?disrupt the routine?.

We have little time to ourselves as it is and I just feel like this is three hours wasted. I would have no problem if those three hours were spent with the DCs but they?re not.
I?m getting more and more pissed off with this as time goes on ? aibu to feel this way? Should I keep raising my feelings with DP?

As your DP has the children every weekend, I'm not surprised that his babysitting evenings wind you up. Can't the ex go out at the weekend, when the kids are already with their dad? And why does he have them every weekend, instead of alternate weekends? Is this also to facilitate the ex's social life?

I had exactly that set up with my ex for the first couple of years after we split up - he had the DCs one night a week and babysat for me one additional night. It was mainly in recognition that we thought that at that age it was best for the DCs to have one main home, but it let me go out to a regular social engagement on a Monday night - it's quite tough being the main parent and needing to build up a social life but having very young DCs with you 5-7 nights a week. Gave my ex a chance to see them in their home environment too which is nice when they're very young. So I wouldn't see anything wrong in the arrangement.

However, we changed it when ex got a new partner - she wasn't happy with it (just as you're not) so he started having them an extra night a fortnight overnight instead. I felt they were old enough to manage that by then, so was OK about it. Over time it's evolved much more into a two-home arrangement and he'd never do it now.

Could you go round with him? Or would that feel rather odd? Could he offer to pay for a babysitter for that night?

Would suggest that the ex is probably much more likely to oppose any change if she suspects it's coming from you - if your DP could suggest that now that the DCs are getting older, they can manage nights in two homes more easily that might go down better.

On the weekends we have them from Friday night till late Saturday afternoon or from Saturday afternoon till late sunday afternoon. This is just the arrangement they have (not ex being akward) - my DP obviously loves seeing them this often which is fine by me.

I just know the only reason why she won't let them stay midweek is becasue she doesn't want the DCs spending any more time with me - nothing to do with routines.

Thanks for the advice purpleroses. I understand that she has the right to (and deserves) a social life too but I don't think it should be at the expense of mine and DPs relationship.

I'm not 'allowed' in the car when DP picks the Dcs up so going round with him would be a big no no. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of a babysitter - the DCs have never been left with anyone apart from their maternal grandparents. When DP and her were married she wouldn't even let his father have them for a night. The Dcs are 6 and 4 btw.

He COULD try telling her that he'll go on babysitting but he might bring you with him then - which could call her bluff and have her quickly becoming keener on the DCs coming to you. But on the other hand, it could all blow up badly so might be better just to let it go. I'd let it be his shout really.

Sorry - crossed post - that is odd. Can't see any reason why you can't leave that age group with a sitter. And she's no business telling you whether your allowed in his car or not!

I have the same thing! Its all about baby sitters tonight. DP has done this ever since he split up with EXW. She won't have a baby sitter (she doesn't see why my DP can't do it as she has DSD more)and he quite often doesn't get back till gone midnight then has to get up at 6am go back over to his EXW house and take their DD to the childminders before getting the hour and a half train to london for work. She doesn't want DSD staying extra nights here either. Drives me mental!! I have offered to pay for a baby sitter but that's not good enough. I don't have any advice as I am still in the same situation but I really understand how annoying it is. I just keep mentioning a baby sitter and hope one day it will change. Good luck! X

from the XW p.o.v I can say that I would prefer my kids to be at home during the week, settled into their own beds and routine rather than spending a mid week night somewhere else, with their dad or anyone else. Contact is all about doing things in the best interests of the child not in the interests of EITHER parent or step-parent.

If you have a good reason to say this arrangement is not in the interests of the children then by all means bring it up reasonably with your DP and his XW. But if you're just jealous that she has a regular evening to herself that you want for you and your DP to spend together, then I'm sorry but tough luck.

Contact is about time with their dad, not time with anyone else. Obviously lots of wonderful step parents enrich their DSD's and DSS's lives but you have to switch your perspective to think about what it means to the kids to be at home with daddy. Not what it means to you to have to share him with them. And 6 and 4 IMO is still very young, when kids thrive on routine and predictability. They are lucky to have parents who want to preserve this for them. Can't you think about things from their perspective for a while longer? If you want it to be an every other week arrangement his XW might agree - but you'll be taking time away from the kids with their dad. It's not all that common for the NRP to be willing to go and welcome in their XP's home so I think all things considered the children are benefitting from a stable and successful contact arrangement right now, which is surely a good thing. Just something to consider.

Sillywmama if the children got into a routine of staying at their dads one night during the week it would just become part of normal life and it is something that lots of children do.

The OP doesn't say she wants her dp to spend less time with his kids - if they do what she suggests he will spend mpre time with them as they would be there for tea and bedtime and in the morning. As it is they are asleep for most of the time he is there.

This arrangement sounds like it's in the best interests of the exW and also has a strong hint of controlling about it - especially combined with you not being allowed in the car for pick ups!

I don't know if you can change it but I think you are perfectly reasonable to not like it. IMO the time to change it would be now while they are still so young, then they would soon adapt to a mid-week stay at dads. i think it would be harder to change it in a few years time so the idea of going along with it for now seems misguided.

I would also add that it is entirely in the best interests of the children that their dad's relationship with Trixidoll is stable and happy. There are lots of posts on here that clearly show the affects of the dads pandering to every whim of the exW and spoilt children at the expense of the very important relationship with the partner. Relationships need looking after too.

(shock) at not being allowed in the car when he picks the dc's up!
I'm an ex and also a step-mum but I think you can't have it all ways - she wants to have a social life but also wants to control you and your dp in order to get that.
If you have the children every weekend and the xw wants to go out in the week too then she could make other arrangements for babysitting or put up with the children's routine changing. She doesn't have to go out in the week after all - that is her choice!

Personally I think that if she gets every weekend off and also wants to go out in the week, all the while dictating that you are not allowed near the children and dp has to do it in her house then she is being quite selfish. If she wants your dp to go to the house and look after them then that shouldn't exclude you - you should be able to go with him (if you were comfortable with that!)

If the exW wants to be the RP, then that comes with responsibilities and commitment. If that means that she has to find a babysitter in order to maintain her social life, then so be it. Alternatively, she can respect the fact that the DC's deserve a quality relationship with both their parents and support them to adapt to a two-homes model; just like thousands of DC's do.

As a mum who is separated from DD's dad, this sort of thing infuriates me - it gives "mums" such as bad reputation
In the OP case, it is nothing to do with the children's best interests - they would be just as settled and happy with a familiar sitter that their mum paid for this is a former partner/spouse making demands for their own ends, using the DC's as a carrot to manipulate compliance.

In the OP case, the DC's mum clearly doesn't consider her DC's wellbeing and comfort when they are with their Dad to be at all important - if she did, she would be encouraging them to develop a relationship with the OP, not trying to exclude her from their lives.

"from the XW p.o.v I can say that I would prefer my kids to be at home during the week, settled into their own beds and routine rather than spending a mid week night somewhere else, with their dad or anyone else"

I think this is the issue - the XW prefers this rather than it's what would work for the DCs. I think if the ex was being reasonable she would suggest that they try an overnight routine with the dad and see how it goes. As both DCs are likely to be at school it could be during the half term so no impact on school. We all know kids adapt to change, otherwise they would never move classes in school, change houses, go on school trips, stay with relatives etc

OP, Can your DP have the dcs during the week? Would he be able to pick them up from school/after school club and then look after them for an evening?

I really think however that as the ex is imposing demands your DP needs to make contact formally agreed. If the ex gets a partner I suspect your DP will be surplus to demands and he will lose contact time. I would suggest he tries to get agreement with the ex by suggesting mediation and if not follow through on court. I know dads are afraid of a formal route as they rely so heavily on the ex's goodwill but he needs to be aware she would withdraw it at any time. My DH put up with his ex's demands for so many years and reluctantly he went to court - best thing to have done. Realistically he had nothing to lose. The ex wasn't being generous with contact and the courts generally award more contact that the ex is currently allowing.

smum I agree - why is it that the DC's have "their" beds, bedrooms and routine in one home but not the other?

Visits to their Dad should be a normal part of daily life - not a leisure activity that is considered a disruption to routine, a holiday, break, trip or any other description that devalues one home compared to the other Why is Dads house not considered "home" - why is it "somewhere else"?

I recognise that in many cases (not all), the home that the RP and DC's live in is the former family home - but that doesn't mean that no-where else can ever be "home" otherwise, families would never move house

whoops sorry I didn't mean to cause so much offence! I was just trying to see it from the p.o.v that maybe it's not about XW being selfish/controlling, and maybe when the arrangement was put in place with her XP that they both thought it WAS in the kids best interests. I did say that it has nothing to do with whether or not step parents are good - loads of them are great and I bet the OP is a really positive person in their lives. But the OP did come off as mostly annoyed about the impact on her social life as well... so it's kind of neither here nor there if the XW has a social life too is it?

It's up to the XP and XW unfortunately to have 'the discussion' if arrangements change. It just might be easier to influence them if the OP points out all the ways she and her new DP think it will benefit them to be in a diff place. Good luck!

I don't think I'm being selfish in wanting to spend some time with my own DP rather than him spend it being a 'babysitter' so his exw can have some fun. It?s hard being a step mum and this kind of stuff makes it even harder. I fully expected to and have no issues with ?sharing? my DP with his children but not with his exw?s social life.
This arrangement only started about 4 months ago when his ex found a club she wanted to go to. I'm not moaning about the exw being selfish or controlling over this issue - she needs a social life too but I don't understand why my DP has to help facilitate that any more by going round to the former family home. Her attitude towards parenting pushed DP away as she 'had to do everything' and he didn't get a say about how his own DCs were being raised.
Also, am I right to think that this might be quite confusing for the DCs if they wake up at their mum's and dad is there? It must blur the boundaries between Mum?s house and Dad?s house for them. They never refer to their mum?s as home; both places are called their name.
DP has offered on numerous occasions to pick them up from school and bring them back here but that?s her ? favourite part of the day? so that has been a dead end too.
Anyway, I had this discussion again with DP last night after feeling more confident from all your posts. He didn?t get back in till 11.30pm last time and agreed with me that is ridiculous. He has let exw know that he will no longer provide a babysitting service and will leave when the DCs have gone to bed or they can come and stay here the night. So thanks everyone?(wondering what class of shit storm is heading this way)

That's good that he's listened to you and made some changes.

To answer your question - I don't in all honesty think the DCs are likely to have a problem with their dad being round at their mum's house - mine never did - not if it's what they're used to. And my DCs have for a long while now referred to their two homes as "mum's house" and "dad's house" - I find this hard to hear them calling their 5 day/week home "mum's house" but my DS tells me not to be silly and it's confusing if he calls it home because he has two homes!

But fair enough that your DP's time spent with the DCs should be something that includes you too if that's what you both want. If the ex won't let you in the house, then she should get a babysitter or allow her DCs to come to yours overnight. Can she drop them off at yours around tea time, if she wants the after school time with them?

she has never once dropped them off here - my dp does all the pick ups/drop offs. The one time she said she'd drop them off was on the condition that 'no one else is there' (silly me for thinking it would be okay for me to be in my own home!).

I don't think that the time DP spends with his Dcs should always include me - there are often weekends when I just leave them to it as I think its nice that they have some one on one time with their dad.

The issue here is that the time I'm not happy with him spending away from me is not spent with the DCs - they are asleep.

I guess the only thing my DP can do is keep pushing for an overnight visit midweek or just go back to spending a few hours round there after school (like he already does another day of the week and finds very akward).

I think a formal agreement might be needed as the ex seems to be awkward and I don't think it will get better (it may change if she has a partner).

She doesnt seem to like or accept you at all. Does she have a reason for this? Were you around at the time of their relationship breakdown?

O just reading the OP I would say this is a maintenance issue... but I will continue reading

Yes - I still think it's a maintenance issue. This way she gets to go out but doesn't lose 1/7th of the week's maintenance.

I wholeheartedly agree that what is best for the children is what should happen. If, as in purpleroses case it was decided the children would e better at one home in the week and both parents have a healthy attitude towards the split and the step parent and are flexible to change then of course, that is fine.

But this arrangement isn't best for the kids. It is clearly being communicated to them that Dad is a babysitter, Dad's new partner is not accepted by their mother (and therefore they won't be able to accept er either) and also if Dad wants to see them, he has to do all the driving (the message here being that they are mum's property)

NOT the best for the children.

No I wasn't around at the time of their relationship breakdown, he had been sleeping in the spare room since the brith of DC2 and they hadn't had a night out alone together since DC1 due to the exs inability to leave the DCs with anyone else so their relationship was pretty much dead in the water for some time - I started seeing him about a month after he moved out and I'm much younger than she is so I'm guessing that is where the hate is coming from.

She does have a partner, has done for over 6 months now but hasn't introduced him to DCs yet (not suggesting she should until she feels comfortable).

I don't know if it is about the maintenance tbh, DP gives what was suggested to him by a family friend (in a similar situation) and its slightly more than the CSA suggest on their website. He's not the type of guy who would knock 20 quid off becuase they stayed here another night a week. I just think she is a very controlling woman and over precious about her DCs - wouldn't let DP get up in the night if one of them was crying - she had to go. Broke down when DC2 had a splinter whilst at our house saying a mother needs to be there at traumatic times!!

DP wants to try and avoid the formal contact route because he fears it will mean he sees DCs less i.e. every other weekend which seems to be the norm.

If he has to go keep going round there midweek and the leaves when they go to bed: fine. If they stay here the night on that day: fine.

Babysitting till late everyweek: not fine