"Not allowed" to be capable in other house?

[ProbablyJustGas]

Maybe this is better off in the Behaviour forum, but I was wondering if anyone else has seen this happen with their children or stepchildren and hopefully get some more opinions on how to address it.

DSD told her father last weekend, and then told me today, that her mum's DP is taking her on short journeys in his car without buckling her seatbelt (his is left unbuckled too). She had a nightmare last night about this, involving her falling out of the car and then mum's partner running her over and going to jail. So, we're pretty sure she doesn't feel safe. We aren't happy about this, because it risks her life. DH will be speaking to his ex-wife to let her know that this is happening and remind her that it is absolutely not on.

The crazy thing is, DSD is almost six. She has been buckling her own seatbelt in our car for several months, and also buckling her own seatbelt in her paternal grandfather's car. It was grampa who finally got fed up with doing it for her and had the patience to make her practice.

She says she doesn't buckle her seatbelt when she is with her mum's DP because she didn't think she was "allowed to". There are slightly different rules and expectations in the two households, but for the most part I think they are the same. She's on a 50/50 shared care arrangement, so it's not as if mum's DP has no relationship with her. And DSD knows she is capable of buckling up, and yet rides around feeling very afraid that the car will crash and that mum's DP will get into trouble!!

Has anyone else had something like this happen with their kids/stepkids? Display wildly different capabilities between households, to the point that they'd put their own safety at risk?

For now, I've told her that it is not the DP's job to buckle her in, so she should just start doing it when she's in the car, and that if she is able to do something by herself in our house, then she's "allowed" to do it in theirs as well.

Sorry, just needed a chance to get it out. The staggering irresponsibility on the DP's part is just ... really disappointing.

She is in a car seat or booster I hope?

I don't think anyone's actually told her she's not allowed to, but I think she has assumed that she's not allowed to because they've always done it for her in the past, and maybe never encouraged her to do it herself. Whereas "do it yourself, kid" is a very common refrain when she's with us. :p

I've been a parent for only about 2 years out of her 6, so I'm not entirely sure if her assumption is normal or if it's just Daft Week in our family.

She might be a bit afraid of him, but for the most part talks about him affectionately. We can always try speaking to her about that tonight. Would have to think about how to approach that carefully, though....

Booster seat, but we're pretty sure one that's just like ours - a Class 2 that uses the regular seatbelt to hold her in.

Sounds like she's struggling a bit with the difference between "house rules" and different ways of doing things in the two houses, and hasn't quite figured out which is which. I'm sure nobody would rule a child wasn't allowed to put their own seatbelt on, but if her DM has always done it for her she may somehow thinks that that is the rule in her mum's car - she waits for someone else to do it for her. Guess you need to help her to understand that it's not a rule that she isn't allowed to do it for herself, just a general habit of her DM's to do it for her.

Agree the DP sounds pretty irresponsible - or possibly just rather ignorant about the needs of young children - I would encourage kids of that age to put their own seatbelt on, but I'd always check that they've actually managed to do it before setting off, and would expect any adult driving them around to do the same.

Is the seatbelt in her mum's car harder for her to use or anything?

I think it is a class 2. It's the kind that uses the regular seatbelt, but it still has a little headrest and a back.

Purpleroses, we did ask if the seatbelt with Mum's car was more difficult for her to use, but other than "it has writing on it", she says it's pretty much the same style. We don't know that for sure ourselves.

Think we'll chat with her one more time about the difference between rules and habits, though, thank you. I did tell her this morning that sometimes parents don't know when you can do things yourself, so you need to speak up. We've been through some other clashes of expectations with the other house before, but it's been little things like "should she dress herself" or "should she brush her own teeth".

It seems to me that the DP doesn't wear a seat belt and your DSD has seen this and not been confident to do differently. Is he more like a cool, older brother than a father figure?

He, being unused to children (possibly?) hasn't twigged that he should be telling her to and so the status quo has remained. I personally wouldn't read in to it too much and have a serious chat or anything as it could create agro... pick your battles and all that (Every good step parent's motto!)

You've told DSD that she is allowed to wear her belt. Maybe mention how funny that she thought just because he didn't that she wasn't allowed to... bless her heart etc etc and judge the reaction..?

I think they do quite easily adjust to whatever is being expected of them at each house and behave accordingly, especially at that age when they're learning the rules, rather than trying to push boudaries particularly.

I was always quite impressed at how my DP's 4 DCs all took themselves to bed at bedtime and didn't seem to need any help until the time when DS2 (then aged 8) asked if I would help him up to bed, only to inform me quite casually that no he didn't need to brush his teath because "I only brush them at mummy's house"!!! DP was suitably when I relayed this back to him (and now makes more effort!), but does show I think how you can't assume that because they know what to do in one house, they will necessarily make sensible judgements about whether they have to do the same elsewhere.

This sounds so familiar!

My DD is 11, and only this week we discovered that she still drinks from a plastic beaker at her Dads house, whereas she has been using glassware here for years.

Initially, I assumed that she was having drinks made for her, rather than making them herself - but it turns out that although she can reach the glass cupboard at her Dads, she chooses to make her drinks in her plastic beaker "because I might not be allowed to use the glasses"

It does seem odd to me, as her Dad is not a disciplinarian at all and she definitely wouldn't get into trouble for it - anything but - however, for DD, the idea of changing something in his house was really hard for her to consider.

We had a chat about personal responsibility, and the fact that as she gets older she can make choices for herself - and if she's not sure about something, then she can always ask if she can do something she would like to

Purpleroses makes a good point. My own DSC are really very lazy at our house, my DP even open and closes the curtains for the teenagers, picks up their dirty washing etc. However, they tell me that they do a lot of chores at their Mum's house including cooking, washing and drying up, feeding pets, making packed lunches etc.

So when they walk in the door at our house, their abilities don't decrease dramatically, it's all about the parenting (or lack of).

I think this demonstrates how well children DO adapt. They can literally behave totally differently in different circumstances.