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Original poster

Presents from the children

12 replies

Gingersnap88 · 17/01/2012 18:46

I just wanted gags whether this is fairly normal practise or if it is indeed strange.

My DSS is 6, for his mums birthday we made her a card. He did all the writing himself (I wrote him a template).

My DH went to collect DSS from school yesterday, it was DHs birthday last week (we had DSS last weekend, although he spent it between our house and his nans because I was in hospital after having my appendix removed at 30 weeks pregnant).
When DH came in, he had a HUGE carrier bag full of gifts which the ex had left at the school. They are birthday presents from DSS to DH. It's a large canvas, paints and brushes, and apparently it's for DH and DSS to paint a picture for baby when she arrives (this is very sweet as I know DH painted a picture for DSSs arrival). Now although I find it a bit strange, I think that's very nice of her if she wants to do that. It's the card that gets me: it's nearly all written by her, has lots of hearts on it, and says "... For the arrival of your new family. From your FIRST family". DH and ex have a terrible relationship the rest of the time, she has always been very controlling and horrible. Over the summer the police were involved and she was not allowed to text him! She has previously expressed that she hoped I miscarried etc. Now maybe she's turned a new leaf?
Last year, she left 2 boxes of homemade cupcakes (all pipped and decorated, clearly not decorated by DSS if you see what I mean), a card and a framed picture of DSS. I was slightly annoyed then because I was hoping DSS and I could make a birthday cake together.

I'm not sure what to make of it- it's quite clearly not from DSS. He never expressed doing something similar for his mums birthday. I feel that it's weird and too much. It embarrasses DH and he doesn't understand why she does it because she is vile to him the rest of the time (stopping access etc). Wouldn't a card have been enough?! Without the jibe about leaving his "FIRST family". DH and ex weren't together very long and I met DH long after they had split up. Eurgh, sorry, I'm probably still emotional after the operation!

When DH told ex that I was in hospital having surgery (we both nearly died) and that he would need to rearrange contact, she wasn't too pleased and could only muster a "I don't like her but I hope she's okay"!

This step mum malarky is hard work.

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Original poster
Gingersnap88 · 17/01/2012 19:16

Oh I should add that she lives with her DP and they have a 2 year old DD also. I suppose I just feel that it's all really manipulative, like she's allowed to have another family but he is not?

OP posts:
W0rmy · 17/01/2012 19:19

I'm so sorry about what you have been through, what a scary ordeal!

She does sound a little bit unhinged, swinging between trying to be 'nice' and then not being able to help herself having a dig.

It sounds like she's said and done some very questionable, and some quite nasty things in the past and it must be very confusing to suddenly get these apparently 'thoughtful' gifts, with a bit of a backhanded gesture.

I would say she is probably finding it hard to see your DH settled and starting a new family, and she simply doesn't know how to handle it. When DH and I had our first child we had been together 5 years and he and his ex had been separated/divorced 3 years before that, - do you know what she said when he told her I was pregnant? she cried - outside our house - and said "Oh , it just all seems so final" I was like, helloooo !! Grin

Try to take it all with a pinch of salt, whatever she is trying to "say" to you, accept her gifts and gestures of kindness with good grace Wink it will drive her nuts

OddBoots · 17/01/2012 19:19

It does sound rather pointed but try not to react against it. Thank her for the thoughtful gift then carry on as normal. If you question it then it will just fuel things and your dss will be the one to suffer.

W0rmy · 17/01/2012 19:24

I was like, helloooo !!

Obviously I didn't say that to her, that would just be mean. but lovely

Libby10 · 17/01/2012 20:30

I would feel exactly the same as you. It all seems a bit Me, Me, Me from my admittedly jaundiced point of view. That said best to rise above it.

NatashaBee · 17/01/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smum99 · 17/01/2012 21:59

She could be anxious for her ds and think that the new arrival will usurp him so she is trying to build a better bond.I would accept it with good grace (relish the peaceful time) and long forward to the birth of your baby.

Good Luck

Purpleroses · 18/01/2012 09:25

But thinking about it, saying she wish you had a miscarrage, and giving the presents both kind of point in the same direction really - suggesting she's really anxious about how this new baby will affect her son's relationship with his father.

One's a horrid thing to do, and the other though is rather sweet, so I'd take it in the spirit in which you hope it was meant and thank her for such kind gifts. And maybe offer some reasurance either to her direct, or to your DSS that his place in the family is secure. This is a new sibling for him, not any kind of replacement.

Her worries may be unjustified from your perspective, but I think they're not that surprising. My DC's dad has recently had a new baby and I've been surprised how difficult I've found it, and easily upset I've been by what would normally be small issues in an overall amicable relationship. It's a big change for your DCs and you have no control at all over it.

Original poster
Gingersnap88 · 18/01/2012 10:50

Some very wise words, thank you everyone Smile it's so useful to sound the problem out to people who understand!

Of course I understand that it's a natural worry, we've for our part tried to involve DSS in this pregnancy as much as possible, just as we were super super positive when his mum was pregnant as we know what a big shift it is. I didn't say anything to DH about the gift, other than it was thoughtful. I just wish she hadn't ruined it by writing the catty card! Imagine if we did that to her! Oh well, you're right, it's her issue!

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 18/01/2012 19:01

I'd find that as odd as I did when DH ex gave him some massage oils for his birthday "from the children"!!!!

chelen · 18/01/2012 19:13

I think that is a pretty weird thing to do tbh. I don't think the canvas is sweet - my thought was, she is saying 'he did it with me first'. We buy gifts of course but nothing so personal, that's a bit overstepping if you don't have an overall good relationship.

Hope all goes well with the baby and try not to give her a second thought.

W0rmy · 18/01/2012 19:43

I'd forgotten this, but when DH's mum died we got a 'sympathy' card from his ex, - it was the first kind communication we had ever received...thought it was a turning point perhaps...

followed by a letter from her solicitor on the day of the funeral seeking a lump sum and wildly increased maintenance..

odd, very cuntish odd.

We tore up the sympathy card and posted it back to her. I think she got the message.

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