AIBU about this? Not sure, maybe I am...

[OldernotWiser47]

maybe this should be in AIBU, but don't fancy being burnt at the stake...
have not posted for a while, but lurked every day.
My DP has 3 DC- oldest 18. We don't live together (yet)
While the younger two are fine, get on with mine, the older one is continueing to cause problems- she is rude, insolent, attention seeking, has a wile temper, etc. She is also very demanding of my DP.
It does not help that her mother seems to be using her as relay for any grievances she has, so the poor kid is only partly to blame for this. (another personality disordered, very manipulative Ex- though nice as pie to your face, she prefers using her DC)

My DP is getting a bit better at managing DSC demands, but has great problems saying no, partly because this will often cause screaming hissyfits, worthy of the best 2 year old. DSC demands to take precedence at all times over everybody- siblings, my DCs, me. Basically sees him as possession, to be at her beck and call. Since this has become less forthcoming since I am around, DSC hates me, I am evil incarnate- she behaves as if she was married to him, and I was the OW, honestly.
(and no, I wasn't- DP and Ex had been apart 10!! years when we met, and split over her affair)
However, this demanding on her side and pandering on his is ridiculous.

So, what's got me upset this time- we were booked to go out yesterday night, his DC and Ex new this. There was an hour from DP getting home to us having to leave, and that included 15 min drive to mine. the event was 7.30- 11 pm. I had to work Sun late, so was in bed around 2 AM, and had to get up at 6.30- so was tired by definition. I also have to get up 5 am Tue to get to work on time(early start), and have a 12 hr shift Tuesdays, every Tue for years- not a surprise.
So, in the PM he gets text from DSC, saying can he pick up and take somewhere, and pick up and return home. He agrees to this! So, he misses his train home, which delays him another 20 min, taxis DSC, then is late for leaving- just got there in time, not dinner for either of us, not even time to get sandwich. That was the point I found out about the driving!
Then had to go several miles out of our way after to pick up again and take home. I was dead on my feet, but did not matter.
The mum drives, and was sat at home all evening.

So, AIBU to think that this was ridiculous? DSC should either have stayed home, made own way (there is a perfectly good bus, btw), or gotten mother to drive? And that a) he should have informed me of change of plans and b) could have given some consideration to the fact that I would be knackered, and had an early start, or do I have to accept always coming second to his DC in terms of consideration? I found this very inconsiderate of him btw, and this is an example of the norm.

oh dear, that was long

Haven't got much time ATM but NO, not unreasonable at all !

Eldest skid sounds very demanding but is being enabled by your DP's willingness to be at her beck and call. Her asking him to drive her back and forth may have been to muck up your evening if she knew about the plans, but HE should have said no ..... he had plans, it wasn't an emergency and she had alternative options.

HE was v v rude to you. It would have been bad enough for him to be late anyway, but to turn up late, without any prior warning ("at least" had you known, you could have eaten) is really appalling manners. Then .... again without any prior warning, he makes you get home later than planned, despite him knowing you have to get up dead early today. That's really arrogant .... he might be happy to ask how high when she demands he jumps but why the heck should you have to go along with it ? Basic rule of thumb - when his decisions/actions start impacting on other people, that's the time he should start discussing the issue at hand with the people affected. Not doing so is pretty contemptuous really IMO and you have every right to tell him you're not prepared to be messed about like this.

His children aside, is he generally selfish and thoughtless? Because that sounds like an example of someone who just puts themselves first, and not someone I'd want to be with even if the children behaved beautifully. If he is just weak where his children and ex are concerned, then you need to have some serious talks about consideration for you. How long have you been together, does he consider your relationship to be a serious, long term one?

She's 18? And expects to be given lifts places and picked up again? My mum would tell me if I'm old enough to go then I'm old enough to find my own way there and back. My parents never ferried me around places once I was an adult. Because that's what she is, an adult.

Sounds like she is a bit jealous of you to be honest. Probably got used to having her dad at her beck and call for the last few years and is now finding it hard to share him.

She is an adult and needs to be treated like one. It would be a bit different if she was 8 but although she primarily comes first as his child, she also needs to realise she is a grown up and should behave accordingly. Sounds quite immature to me.

RoughShooting no, in all other respects he is the most considerate and thoughtful and accommodating person imaginable- only behaves like that if it comes to his DC, DC1 in particular

TongueTwisted- exactly. That's what my DC would be told- either make you're own way, or don't go out, I'm busy! And yes, she is used to him being at her beck and call, but it is him that lets it happen!
The whole family is dancing around her, trying to keep her calm and happy, and to make sure she doesn't "kick off", because her outbursts are epic- she has physically assaulted her mum, and tried it on me, too (now that he did put a stop to- he knows I would walk and not come back) Very dysfunctional behaviour around this girl.

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. I have had a similar situation and even the other day, had something similar where when it comes to his kids, I am not considered at all!

We had a big row because he was simply skipping off and running around after his kids with no consideration how this affected me at all!

Sounds like everyone is frightened of this girl and she is using this to her absolute advantage. She might be 18 but she is behaving like a child looking for boundaries to bounce against and all the "adults" in her life are frightened to put them in place. I suspect if your DP did stand up to her now, she would vote with her feet and not see him again for a long while and he knows this.

I wonder if you could make him understand that he is doing this young lady a massive disservice and although he might lose contact with her temporarily surely the best way forward is to teach her to be a decent human being or is it that like a lot of absent fathers, his desire to see his daughter overrides the desire to give his daughter a proper upbringing?

theredhen he seems to think it was "not an unreasonable request", as he was "driving anyway"- and he does not feel once he has said yes, that he can change things. Personally, even if I had agreed to drive my DCs, at the point I was running late I would have called and said sorry, running late, no can do.

Yes, they are absolutely scared of her. The only person to risk a temper is her mum, and she doesn't do it to give her boundaries, but to wind her up and then watch her explode, often to aim the explosion at someone else- often DP or myself.

When tempers were really running high, up to one year ago, her mum would ring DP and say, come pick her up, I can't cope, so he would go and get her, and give her attention, and talk her down... until I pointed out to him that she was being rewarded for this behaviour if he did this, and the LAST thing that should be happening is intensive 1:1 attention. If anything, he should remove the other children, and let her and her mum thrash it out. He stopped going- and the phone calls stopped, DSD has found another way of removing herself from the situation. Success.

He keeps talking her down, though. He says it is not her fault, but his ExW, and she needs him to be there for her, to be the "stable" parent.

But yes, he has also said he is afraid DSCs would not see him anymore. However, I discussed this with his parents (who are lovely), and they said no way was that going to happen, no chance- and I agree. Not even DSD1.

No, you're not being unreasonable. In our house, the first arrangement is the priority arrangement unless work or school needs crop up. This means, if we have accepted an adult invite then a kid invite comes in - tough luck on the kids. If we have accepted a kid invite and an adult invite comes in - tough luck on the adults.

He should discuss changes to joint arrangements with you BEFORE giving any kind of answer to the children. This is just normal courtesy I would say.

This is not exclusively a step issue, although often worse in step situations due to the added complexities, for example my sister drives me mad as whatever arrangements are made for family events she always f*cks everything up 'just having to take one of the kids blah blah blah' which means meals get moved, she changes venues etc.

What you do about it I don't know, sorry. I guess it depends if he is willing to change or if he is 'stuck' in this way forever.

I don't agree about he should call and let her down if running late, that is also bad manners IMO. He shouldn't over-commit in the first place.

I have had a number of rows with my own DP, happily much improved on this point, about saying yes to everything. However once you have said yes you can't really turn round and drop people.

Which means he has to start saying no sometimes.

Yes, but they don't usually assault people and have toddler tantrums!