Door keys...

[origamirose]

Do your partner's children have keys to your house/flat?
When did they get them?
Am I being a WSM to be uncomfortable that my partner's 11 y.o. is demanding would like a key to our flat?

Why don't you want her to have one? I had key to my parents at about that age. Is there a problem with her that makes you feel that way (stealing or something?)

The question is does she need a key? If she doesn't need a key, she shouldn't have a key. I didn't get a key til older, when I was letting myself in. I think 11 is quite young, I might give her one to use if she was coming home alone one day but it's just going to get lost if she has one for no reason.

My DP's 14 year old has one, but not the younger ones yet. I'm yet to move in (though already have a door key!) but wouldn't have a problem with the 11 or the 13 year old having their own key. They need to have them once they're likely to be in a position of needing to let themselves in - ie be old enough to be home alone for short periods at least - but a responsible 11 year old ought to be that. My DS is just turned 12 and has had a key to both my house and his Dad's house for over a year now, since he started letting himself in after school.

But it is a bit of a marker of independence isn't it, having a door key? And it marks out the house as being the child's home. A nice thing to let her have for it's own sake really, if she wants it. It would say to her "this is your home too".

So can't see a problem with it, unless her mother is likely to force it off her and raid your house whilst you're out or something!

I don't think I'm being kind or reasonable.
The truth is that I don't want her to have one because I am nervous that she might pop round here whenever she feels like it or when her mum is pissing her off (and vice versa when she is with us). You see, I really value my independence/space/child free time and I'm afraid that I might lose the certainty of that. I know that's selfish.
I also don't like the fact that she is pushing the issue with her dad/me - I think we should make the suggestion and not be badgered into it because she thinks she should have one (it's not like she needs to let herself in and out after school as one of us will always be here).
Somebody give me a shake...

Realistically, how often is she likely to be able to arrive unexpectedly though? She will be at school monday to friday for most of the day so i should imagine there is no way she could get in unannounced before 1600. And she is a little young to be roaming free in the evenings to turn up unexpectedly. On the weekends - well some of these I guess she spends with you anyway. So the time frame in which she might unexpectedly appear is very small.

I say this in the hope it makes you feel better , as I do think you should let her have a key.

I know I do. I am being a selfish cow (and I've got lots of faults but I'm not usually selfish).

I do want her to feel like this is her home and when she is here I do everything I can to make sure she does. I have got myself into a bit of a mess in that I am a bit of a disney-step-mum - making sure that the kids have a good time when they're with us, that they're entertained, well-fed, that all potential conflict is diffused (almost before it starts). So, they generally love being here and I like it when they're here but I also breathe a sigh of relief when they go because I feel like I can relax .

If it gets to a point where I cannot be sure that I will have my own 'quiet time' I think I will go mad - so maybe it's not really about the key...

I know what I need to do is kick the disney act but it's been going on for so long now that I'm finding it hard to break the habit.

Thank you SGM for the shake.

Of course she's pushing the issue - since when do pre-teens sit around and wait to be handed new freedoms?

Not letting her have one, for no real reason, sends the message "This is not your home. This house belongs to your dad and SM and you are a visitor in our house"

What does her dad think? If she picks up that you're the one who's opposed it, she could see it as you that's shutting her out of her dad's life. Teenagers do (and imo, should) come and go more or less as they like between homes. You can't go on forever passing them around like timeshare belongings.

Can you mark out some child-free space within the house maybe? A lock on the bedroom door?

whostolemyname - I'd hate to out myself but they live very close and walk past our flat on their way home from and to school/the corner shop/the bus stop etc.

But you're right - I need to get some perspective and realise that it will only be occasionally used.

Purple - I know you're right and to reassure I haven't made a big deal of it with her or DP - I just feel uncomfortable about it. I won't put my foot down and refuse her a key as I know that would be totally the wrong message to send.

Her dad has some of the concerns that I do but doesn't think it's a big deal and thinks that we should give her a key with some rules (e.g. we have already joked with her that she will need to ring the bell before she comes in just in case he's not in and I'm on the loo with the door open) and there are more sensible ones e.g. tell mum where you're going and send us a text to let us know you'll be there (and for how long)

Child free areas are a no I'm afraid - it's a small flat and I think both children would be freaked out/rejected if we did that.

As per my earlier post - this isn't about the key. It's about me and the pattern of 'caring' I've set up and now have to slowly break away from.

I'm looking a bit out of touch on this one.... May have to rethink!

I wonder if it would help to think of it as a non-step issue?

If you rephrased it as "our 11-year-old would like a house key. She doesn't really need one, and I don't like the way she's pushing the issue."

I think in your shoes I would set a fixed occasion in the (near) future, and tell her that is when she will be given a key - turn it into a 'coming of age' moment. That puts the decision back in your and DH's hands, in a sense, while not flat out denying her. Maybe her twelfth birthday

I understand your reluctance, btw, especially given that she walks past the house every day so has opportunities for 'popping in', but I also agree that it is important for her to feel her dad's home is her home as well. Even for residential children, I am not sure what age I'd think was right myself, but 11 seems kinda borderline to me. Our 14 year-old loses or forgets his monthly...

(Here in Ireland it was traditionally not until the 18th birthday! :) People often still get a symbolic set of keys on that birthday.)

Sorry orimgami, a little wee shake from me too.

Even if someone is in, it's her home. She shouldn't be knocking on the door step.

My DSd, 12 has one. Never uses it though, it went to her Mums on the first day I gave it to her (complete with new Jack Wills key ring) and never saw the light of day again... the thought was there on our part at least

My DS's keys are tied to his school bag in summer and his coat in winter, with one of those spiral key fob things, so can use them without untieing them, and can't lose them! Seems to work.

If you let her have one, make sure she doesn't keep it anywhere with the address on.

Is she recently started secondary school? That does seem to be the age here when kids start to get a lot more freedom to come and go places as they choose, which could be part of what it's about.

Asking her to knock or ring first though sounds reasonable though. Even if she then lets herself in before waiting for you to answer.

I don't' think she should have a key if she doesn't need it. Certainly if she's with you at weekends and is out with friends and you might pop out to the shops, you can give her a key then for the day and then take it back.

This is exactly what I would do with my own child. DS did have a key at age 11 but then that is because he would often have to let himself in the house before I came home from work before we lived at DP house. My step children don't have a key because it is always one of us who is with them. We live miles away from the nearest town so they are always driven and as their Mum refuses to do any driving, there is no need for them to have a key. If they asked, DP and I would say no.

Don't be bullied into it if she doesn't need it and only "wants" it.

My DSC's have keys and can come and go as they please. They have had keys to their home since they needed them - probably when they started senior school.
I think even DP's ex-wife had a key until recently - but I suspect DSS lost his (again) and took that one.
I think it is a symbolic thing - that they belong and it's their home too. But asking that she gives you a bit of warning (so not to embarrass you) is fair enough, but ask yourself, would you insist on the same for your own children?
Can I ask in what way do you think you 'disney' step mum?

If she doesn't need a key, for example to let herself in to wait for someone to return, then she shouldn't have one.

My DSSs have a key while they're staying here during the weekend or holidays so they can come and go during that time. They leave the keys with us when they go back to mum's.

is 11 teen-age, though?

I don't think I'd give my 'own' DD a key at 11 if it wasn't strictly neccessary - maybe on the occasins she would need one, but one to carry around and just 'have' - no, I don't think so. I think it is quite a borderline case, really, and so a sweeping yes or no call is hard to make, IMO.

And I am sure I will be flamed for this - but what on earth is wrong with letting your kids feel that you don't trust them with some particular responsibility yet? I don't trust DSD or DSS - or DD for that matter - with plenty of things, and I don't have a problem saying so. By that argument, we'd be giving our kids car keys and credit cards at 11 as well...

There is no question that all children should feel welcome - if the OP would give a key to a residential child of the same age, then it would seem only right.

(And just to muddy the waters - at what age do you all think a grown child's key should be taken away? Or not? )

(funnily enough, we've just had a row here tonight over DSD refusing to carry a door key and expecting someone to always be home to let her in!)

No I certainly a wouldn't give ANY Child a key unless they actually needed to have it. We all lose things and house keys are significant things. Why dish them out if not necessary?

I don't get this key being a symbol lark. DSSs are constantly losing stuff and leaving things in inappropriate places. No way would I want keys to my house going awol. And yes if my own child was similarly careless I would apply the same rule. BUT I would bring up my own child to learn responsibility also.

Also DSSs' mother is a massive control freak and takes the stance that she needs to control the DSSs and everything in their possession. This is another important reason why I wouldn't let a key to my house enter her house.

yeah, actually - i hadn't really considered the part about exes - at least in cases where the ex is openly hateful or has form for acting seriously inappropriately, that does make for a completely different situation...i'm not talking about the OP here, but surely there are cases where letting an ex have access to one's house key (which giving it to a minor child would effectively do) would be an actual risk.

And in the case of DH's ex, she actually has a history of theft from him. Giving her, effectively, a key to our house, would be a big no no for me