Myself & my 2 DD dislike OH's DD

[sumo10]

Just a brief summary, I could give you lots of examples but I wouldnt want to bore you.

We have been a couple for just over a year but have known each other for about 7. We do not yet live together due to divorce/financial reasons, however this we hope to sort by the end of the year. But I am struggling so much with liking his DD (aged 8) as she is so spoilt, demanding and moans all the time. She is very arrogant and thinks that she is the best thing every. I know confidence is a good thing but this is different. She is also obese but OH is always telling her she looks skinny in what she is wearing. She cries when she doesnt get what she wants or when she gets told off and then she gets a cuddle from OH which isnt the way I would deal with it. I am happy to reprimand when necessary but its the constant whinging and demands I cannot stand. She is an only child and is used to getting her own way. My 2 children (11 & 9) never expect or demand anything and know that I wants, dont get. My youngest did like her at first and this caused problems as my eldest never has, she is now starting to find her annoying because of her moaning and demands and blaming other people when things dont go her way. Whenever I talk to my OH about it he basically says thats the way she is, shes just different from my 2 and he is fine with that. I can never see him moving in unless this situation changes. I have tried to put up with it and she does have some nice ways about her but the negative far out ways the positive.

I know Im not the only one that feels like this about her as some of his relatives have expressed their thoughts to me.

So where do I go from here??

It would be a completely different scenario though if it were a bio mum saying this.

I think a bio mum displaying those kinds of feelings towards her 8 yr old child would be disturbing, but the scenarios are too different to compere.

The issue isnt really even about the child though is it? its a relationship issue, she is obviously jealous and resents the childs mere existance.

So my advice was to walk away.

Double standards. Again.

I was going to post a reply to the OP, but I see she has already been driven off by the villagers with torches.

So, that's great...instead of being able to
express perfectly valid feelings (again, feelings that all parents and caregivers are capable of having),
and maybe hear from some others who have worked through similar feelings and come out the other side (because - shocker - feelings can change and develop in a relationship),
or get some empathetic insights which might help her actually decide what is the best course of action...
she's left.

well, she's got the message, I think. Don't ask for help, as a stepmother you aren't entitled to empathy or help - you'd better just know all the answers, and when you don't, watch out, cuz we'll pillory you for that, too.

(If you lot think you just helped the child involved, I'm afraid you're almost certainly mistaken.)

now, how about we start a thread like this current one, only for steps, and see how far we'd get...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1387505-What-I-hate-about-being-a-parent

if we need inspiration, we could look at some of the things on their list ...the whinging...the boredom...the lack of freedom for my own pursuits...the work...the whinging.

AbbyA, I'd be pretty disturbed to read the same post written by a child's mother because it shows deep dislike for and detachment from the child. There's no sense of concern, worry or like, let alone love. I'd be worried about the mother's state of mind and concerned for the child. The approach and advice would be different because the circumstances are, but any mother posting that on here would find herself roasted as well as supported.

Brd, there's a huge difference between whinging about being a parent or step-parent and being critical and negative about a child. The thread you linked is the former, the op very much the latter.

I feel for OP, but sadly if you choose a partner with DCs you get them too. (would anyone want the sort of man who would abandon them and not want to live with them full time if he had the chance?

Hang -on. I don't feel the way the OP is descibing this child is wrong - I know such a child and they have the capacity to make their and everyone around thems life a misery.

The OP is being honest that she couldn't live with it - I find 1 afternoon with my friend and her 8yo DD who's the same taxing enough.

OP the advice I have for you is that your right about rules. You need to find and agree and stick to a way all 3 girls will behave when she's living with you.

Also try talking to his DD. I have spoken to my friends DD when she's calm and asked her what's wrong. She spends the whole time making out my DS is a PITA, naughty etc but during 1 chat said something about him being so well behaved. I got from that that she knows her behaviour is unacceptable and it's easier (because she's pandered too) to make DS look bad rather than make herself look good iyswim?

I expect this girl is trying to get yours and her dads attention through this behaviour (she is the NRC trying to establish her place in the household) and agreement needs to be reached that she doesn't get it and that you'll all show her positive ways of getting attention.

Best of luck with the future of this relationship.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way she is describing it BUT if she goes ahead she is going to have 3 DCs and not 2 DCs, so she either needs DP on side with joint rules or she needs to walk away now. Moving in and hoping for the best will cause upset for all.

For all those of you saying how bad the op is. Can you genuinely say you have liked every child you meet?

I actually think the op is being wry realistic. She knows there's a problem and recognises that this is a major issue.

I honk she was looking for advice on how to handle things, how to try and make it better. I didnt get the impression that she wanted the dad all to herself at all.

I understand that many mnetters are mothers I children who have step mothers, wouldn't you rather have someone who wanted to make things better for herself, her own children and partners child. Or someone who doesn't give a shit. Obviously you'd rather have someone who loves your child unconditionally, but these things don't always come naturally.

Give the op a break and maybe some constructive advice.

Of course you don't-I was in a similar situation and I walked away.

There was also no way that my DS was going to have to live with someone who would rather have had me without him!!

You do have to at least like (even if you never come to love) a child that you are getting for life-it is unfair on the child to enter a relationship with the parent, knowing that you don't really want the most precious part of him.

You need to tackle this with your DP. She's 8. She's a product of his and his Ex-s parenting. If you move in together, he will also be parenting your children. You obviously have vastly different approaches, so unless you want to meet in the middle, don't try and create a family unit which will be inconsistent and possibly damaging for all 3 children. Your incompatibility here isn't with the 8 year old, it's with her father who raised her this way. And you are about to move him in as a parent to your DDs too???

I agree exotic, but feelings need to develop.

I also agre with everyone that if she can't get this sorted ten the relationship can't continue, but still think advice would be better than telling her she's a terrible person

Its isnt double standards brdgrl.

Ive read threads on here where theres a problem, but the OP recognises that its down to parenting differences, while expressing difficulties with the child concerned they know the issue lies with the father.

The OP seems to be focussing solely on the child as though she is flawed, she isnt, shes an 8 yr old child in the middle of all this.

I cant imagine its that easy for the child either, being resented and disliked is not going to help her behavior is it?

She is very arrogant and thinks that she is the best thing ever. I know confidence is a good thing but this is different. She is also obese but OH is always telling her she looks skinny in what she is wearing

So dad is trying to instill her with confidence despite her alledged weight issues and the OP responds to that with scorn.

Its not healthy to feel like that towards a child of that age and just smacks of jealousy and resentment.

She isn't a terrible person-I doubt whether most posters would want to live with the DC either!
She has had very sensible advice-don't move in together yet.
Never move in unless she and DP are going to sort it together, in a way that makes her, DP and all 3 children happy.

All DCs have their good points-some are more difficult to find. If she wants it all to work the best advice is to spend time completely alone with the DSD and get to know her.

Personally I think the child is a product of the parenting.

OP needs to have a long think about her DP's parenting, the impact it will have on her and her children as well as this little girl.

I too have arrogant and "entitled" step children, but I am able to see that although some of it might be in their genetic make up, the vast majority comes from the parenting of both DP's ex and my DP.

I didn't think I had much issue at all with my DSC until I moved in, so if you feel you have issues now, I can tell you, they will be amplified many times if you move in.

I have to say when i first went on here i was asking for advice on how to resolve this, and hoping other mums may have experienced this sort of thing and had tips to make the whole thing easier for everyone concerned, rather than being told to give up and move on or indeed a certain degree of nastiness towards me for feeling like this.....i dont like feeling this way, i want to care for her and even eventually love her....i also wanted to point out that they would actually be moving into my house not the other way round, not that it makes any difference but i think it was assumed the other way so thought i would make that clear....in a way i would prefer it if we had her more of the time rather than 50% so that i can spend more time getting to know her and also help her to be the lovely little girl that im sure she is, her mum isnt very hands on by all accounts and leaves her pretty much to her own devices when she is with her so i would love to be the female guiding hand for her.

It is easier if it is your house because it is your rules-you just have to make sure that DH backs you up.
I did give advice to resolve it. Do things with just you and DSD-get to know her and build up a good relationship with her that has nothing to do with DP . while you are doing that DP can do the same with your DCs. (right out of sight of each other)

I think you have to be clear with your DP.
I know a girl who sound a lot like your DP's DD, she was the focus of attention of both her divorced parents. She would play them off against each other. She got most of what she wanted, because if I wouldn't give it to her she'd ask the other one. She also had a weight problem because the same thing went for food.
Her parents had 50% care, which was great for them, as unlike the rest of us they also had 50% "me" time. So their time with he was focussed on her, when they didn't have her they did their socialising.
I think things have changed a bit now partly as she has moved away from her old school friends (who tolerated her, and it was the same school where her Mum worked), and because her Dad remarried and has a new baby.

But no you can't move in together whilst you have such different attitudes to parenting.