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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Myself & my 2 DD dislike OH's DD

45 replies

sumo10 · 16/01/2012 16:55

Just a brief summary, I could give you lots of examples but I wouldnt want to bore you.

We have been a couple for just over a year but have known each other for about 7. We do not yet live together due to divorce/financial reasons, however this we hope to sort by the end of the year. But I am struggling so much with liking his DD (aged 8) as she is so spoilt, demanding and moans all the time. She is very arrogant and thinks that she is the best thing every. I know confidence is a good thing but this is different. She is also obese but OH is always telling her she looks skinny in what she is wearing. She cries when she doesnt get what she wants or when she gets told off and then she gets a cuddle from OH which isnt the way I would deal with it. I am happy to reprimand when necessary but its the constant whinging and demands I cannot stand. She is an only child and is used to getting her own way. My 2 children (11 & 9) never expect or demand anything and know that I wants, dont get. My youngest did like her at first and this caused problems as my eldest never has, she is now starting to find her annoying because of her moaning and demands and blaming other people when things dont go her way. Whenever I talk to my OH about it he basically says thats the way she is, shes just different from my 2 and he is fine with that. I can never see him moving in unless this situation changes. I have tried to put up with it and she does have some nice ways about her but the negative far out ways the positive.

I know Im not the only one that feels like this about her as some of his relatives have expressed their thoughts to me.

So where do I go from here??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/01/2012 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balia · 16/01/2012 17:13

Agree with SGM. Apart from anything else I think not tackling obesity problems is pretty serious due to all the health issues.

Incidentally, does he think your two should be allowed to make demands and whine and behave badly with no consequences, or is it just his little princess?

EverybodyKnows · 16/01/2012 17:16

2 words - Disney Dad.

I would NOT move in unless you are 100% sure that you have common house rules and ALL children shall live by them.

Sorry this is very blunt but I'd rather be very honest. It's hard enough work blending families without having to deal with a ''golden child'' and the ''other children''

If he doesn't want to address these issues I think you're signing up for a very sad life for your DDs.

catsmother · 16/01/2012 17:42

Unfortunately I think this is a make or break situation. As the others have said it'd be intolerable for both you and your daughters if you were to move in with such vastly different ideas of parenting. You must speak to him now and be absolutely honest .... no good leaving any worries out as they'd only come back to haunt you.

Only you can decide what issues you're prepared to compromise on - or not - but the vital thing is that you both end up with a set of rules, boundaries and appropriate punishments which apply to all children, no ifs, no buts, and you both have to be 101% committed to applying these. To be honest, even if you were able to thrash out some sort of plan with him I'd still be very reluctant to move in with him until I'd seen with my own eyes him actually putting all that into practice - consistently, without making excuses for his daughter - and with some degree of acceptable "success" over quite a period of time. Chances are that if she's been terribly spoilt until now she isn't going to take to a new regime very willingly and I think it'd be equally disastrous were you to implement the "new" rules only after you move into together as she'd probably then put two and two together and see you as the wicked witch who's changed everything. I'd want to make sure I could depend on DP to be fair and consistent before taking that step and also make sure that any adverse reactions to the new way of discipline had been smoothed out first.

chelen · 16/01/2012 17:57

Hi, I agree with the general consensus on here that you will have a really hard time becoming a family if a) there isn't a single set of rules and b) if dad isn't keen on doing any 'strict' stuff.

I guess I would ask why you want to move in, I know that sounds dense, we want to be with people we love, but if you think you would be happier as a couple but living in two homes then you don't have to move in together.

Original poster

sumo10 · 17/01/2012 19:06

Thank you all for your comments and no surprises really....all things ive already thought about over and over again. And it churns my stomach to know ive got to tell this man i love very much that im struggling to feel anything for his princess.

In answer to your questions:-

OH is such a laid back kind of guy that he doesnt see it as whining/demanding but just thats how children are and yes he probably would let my 2 do the same but they just dont because theyve not been brought up to be like that. I suppose im the extreme opposite in where i can be quite strict in routine and jobs around the house etc but having been on my own for 3 years my girls and i have worked as a team and they appreciate i have to go out to work, money doesnt grow on trees and that life can be quite tough at times. Whereas his daughter doesnt give the impression she appreciates any of this at all and he is quite protective of her and doesnt want her to grow up and see the bad things in life, which isnt necessarily a bad thing i suppose. But its all about her having fun and if she isnt she gets grumpy.

I suppose in a nutshell I dont like it when he's not around, feel lost and he says he feels the same and he so wants to make a life with me and my girls and his daughter and i love having him around, but not her. I know it will only be every other weekend and 2 days a week but im not sure i can even put up with that. In fact with it only being 50% of the time it would be even more difficult for me to be strict as i do not know what she is allowed to get up to with her mum who is a very lazy woman and doesnt do a lot with her. Is that being selfish???

OP posts:

Iblameba · 17/01/2012 21:59

I would not want you becoming step mum to my DD, when you so obviously and honestly can not stand her.

I am not having a go at you - you are being honest and respect you for that. Whatever you think of that little girl and for what ever the reasons, she does not deserve to be barley tolerated in her own home - because that is what it is. She would be your family.

thunderboltsandlightning · 17/01/2012 22:03

Does he know that you don't like her. Because if you haven't told him, that's quite a big thing to keep from the person you are planning on moving in with.

Don't move in with him. Your life isn't more important than hers. You can find another man, she only gets one childhood.

AmberLeaf · 17/01/2012 22:14

I dont think you should move in with him.

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel too.

She's 8, its not her fault she is how she is, its your DPs fault. he is the one you should be directing your feelings towards.

MiniMousse · 17/01/2012 22:14

Good God, you as the ADULT in this situation really need to have a think about the words you are using to describe AN EIGHT YEAR OLD CHILD. 'Arrogant? Thinks she's the best thing ever? Myself and my kids dislike her?' What horrible, horrible words to use about A CHILD.

You seem to be blaming her for everything. When small children feel fear or antagonism, they can react in exactly the way you describe - have you stopped to think that rather than it all being HER fault, her behaviour may be a very understandable frightened and anxious response to the way you and your kids behave towards her?

You should end this relationship now. She was there first, not you - and like thunderbolts says, she only gets one childhood - and under your watch, it sounds like she'd have a pretty rotten one.

exoticfruits · 17/01/2012 22:29

I agree with the rest. Don't move in until it is sorted. He doesn't come alone, you get her for life and will have 3 equal children. It would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't go ahead.
Have you spent time alone with her? If you want it to work I would get to know her and spend time with just the 2 of you.
As MiniMouse says,'you are the adult'. She is a young child and it is up to you and DP to make her feel secure and unconditionally part of the family.

Smum99 · 18/01/2012 10:45

Oops, hope you haven't bee scared off by the comments..It is good that you are being honest however on MN there is a golden rule - parents can criticise their children and even at times say they don't like their children but you (as a would be step parent) can never make negative comments. Step children are never badly behaved and if they are you are most likely to be the reason!

Until people are in this situation it's hard to imagine how you will react - you meet a partner, you get on but then you can't get on with their children. It does happen however the child has to be put first and this man can't choose between his child and you. If you can't genuinely warm to his child then you can't move in and realistically the relationship is doomed. I know it's probably not want you want to hear but that is the reality.

Ultimately this is about you and your DP's very different parenting styles and most likely core values, you will certainly clash over these should the relationship continue. I would take it as a warning of the challenges ahead - these issues rarely get better only worse.

Original poster

sumo10 · 18/01/2012 17:37

Im not put off by the comments, i welcome anything that will help me resolve this. i do not like feeling like this, i wish we could all just get along but when her attitude/ways affect my children and make them unhappy then i feel strongly enough to say so and i may well have used the wrong wording, sorry but having never had to deal with this sort of thing before or indeed had to use this sort of forum for advice i do not know how to word it.

I have since spoken to work colleagues of mine who i have only just found out have experienced this same problem and i have been able to speak freely which i obviously cant do on here so i will no longer be using this as a method.

I will however take all your advice on board and thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

thunderboltsandlightning · 19/01/2012 08:46

I think you believe you have more rights to this man than his daughter does, and want her to get out of the way. That's how it's coming across. If you behave like that to this child you won't ever be able to put it right - do not make such a grave life mistake. Seriously, it will be a blight on your conscience forever. You are the adult here, you have control over how you behave. She on the other hand will have no choice if you move in with this terrible attitude.

It's going to be awful for her if she has to live in a family with a stepmother and stepsisters who hate her and her very presence. Or is this just Cinderella as told on the step-parenting boards?

EverybodyKnows · 19/01/2012 10:07

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 22:26

Seriously, why is the OP getting such a hard time? There are plenty of people that rant and complain about their own dc on MN... yet somehow, when it's not your biological child, you can't say a word against them.

Are you stepparents yourselves, MiniMousse & thunderboltsandlightning, out of interest?

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 22:32

I don't think she is getting a hard time. If you meet a partner with a child you get the child too-it isn't optional- so if you can't do it you have to stop seeing the man (or woman).
When I met my DH my DS came first and no way would he live with someone who didn't like him!!
I am an adult-I can deal with heartbreak-my DC isn't going to-he is a child.

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 22:34

Of course people rant about their own DC, but the bottom line is that they love them. It is very different from ranting about a step child-unless they happen to love the child.

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 22:35

I don't mean that. I accept that the OP might not be able to continue with moving the relationship on as a result.

I mean this

OP is venting. Stuff she can't say out loud. That's what this place is for, yes? She didn't say she was going to lock her in the coal shed!

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2012 22:36

Hard time ??

I think the responses have been remarkably restrained TBH..

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 22:36

It's very difficult to admit that you don't like a child. Whoever it is - it makes you feel guilty, like you must like every child you meet because they're little. I've met a few kids over the years that I haven't taken to - must make it doubly difficult if it's your partners child.

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 22:39

I've met plenty of DCs I don't like -but if it was a partner I wouldn't expect to have him without the DD. Obviously the ideal would be for DP to have her full time and if she can't take that she needs to go back to being single and finding a man without children (or at least ones she likes).

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 22:41

Yes, I agree with you there, exotic. It's a package. I just feel for her, that's all - it's hard to let go of someone you love due to those circumstances, isn't it.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2012 22:44

I appreciate people do simply vent on here sometimes.

IMO the OP didnt read as simply venting.

Those things may well be things she cant say out loud, but she is still thinking them and that is awful enough.

She's out of order and I dont really care if this being the step parents board means no one can actually say that, sometimes I think it needs to be said.

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/01/2012 23:00

And would you, hand on heart, say the same to a biological mother saying the same about her daughter?

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