Problem with DP and my ex husband.

[PoodleShyt]

Hi there, I am sure this relates to step parenting but I am at the end of my tether. I don't like my ex husband at all, he wasn't a very nice person to me but I cannot take away the fact he does his best to the children, he is practically bringing up our autistic/learning disabled son as I put my hands up and admitted I was struggling to cope, he required alot of time and I could not give my other two children attention - I have no local family or close friends nearby to assist me where as he does so I done the sensible and unselfish thing. I have 2 by my ex husband and one with my current DP.

The problem lays with DP stepfather to my eldest two. We have been an item for over three years and he has a very close bond and is an amazing step dad to my eldest. My ex husband has my eldest every fortnight for a weekend. Admittedly he doesn't have the same standards as us - ie. we cook from scratch, he buys Iceland, etc. Dress sense for the children and time allowed on games consoles, etc. I'm no where a snob at all and personally I am not too fussed about trivialities such as my son eating chicken nuggets in a JD Wetherspoons or wearing clothes not to my liking as I just simply let him change when he returns! My DP however will not let such things go and it's tearing me apart, it's like he is trying to pick a hole in everything. I know he cares about my son and is more of a daddy to him than my ex husband but I just don't know what to do...

An earlier conversation consisted of this when DS (5) returned...

DP to DS "What did you eat for lunch today?"

DS "Chicken nuggets and beans in [insert fathers local pub name]"

Then an hour later.

DP to me...

"Don't you think we should explain how good he has it here to DS"

Me... "He is too young for that sort of conversation and it doesn't bother me"

DP "But he ate in a pub."

Me... "So? We ate in a carvery last month, that was a pub. What's the problem?"

Nearly resulted in me having a remote control thrown at me. As apparently I wasn't "understanding something".

I have no one to talk to about this so I am wondering... What exactly am I not understanding? And could any step parents fill me in on why he might be behaving like this as only a few weeks ago he admitted to me that we have been a bit "hard" on my ex husband about clothes and such in the past... I am just so confused! I am 27 and DP is 42 my ex husband is 30. I know age probably isn't relevant but is it an era thing I just don't know?

What can I do to stop such petty conflict which results in usually me getting silent treatment for hours and hours?

Ok, my take is this:

1. Your ex is your ex so you no longer need to worry about what he's like as a partner, but how he is as a partner. And it sounds like you are ok with that.

1. Your ex is your ex and therefore your new DP does not get to interfere as long as you and he agree the situation is acceptable (which it sounds like you do)

1. Your DP has every right to not want his child exposed to that if he is not comfortable, which is something that might need to be negotiated (hard if 2 kids are singing the thrills of fast food)

And, to be honest, having a remote control thrown at you for disagreeing over two kids that aren't his sounds mental. And I am a step mum and a bio mum.

As a father! Sorry!

Hi, as a new SM I felt rather threatened and uncomfortable when my SS would come home and sing mum's praises. I expect he feels insecure. I would suggest you reassure your DP massively what a great job he is doing and emphasise how great it is your kids have BOTH men in their lives. Talk a lot about things he does with the kids that only he does - perhaps he plays a specific board game or takes them somewhere - say 'wow, they love doing that, they are lucky to have you, I really value what you contribute to my kids' lives'.

These days I am lots more relaxed, my relationship with my stepson is so much more solid that it doesn't make me feel insecure when he goes on (and on and on...) about mum. But it was really, really tough at the start.

The kids won't show their appreciation - they're kids - so you have to show extra, double, triple appreciation for your DP so he doesn't feel like he's disposable.

It's hard, investing love and time and effort into children when you feel they would bin you in a second if there were chance of their real mum or dad coming back instead. You and Dad are join gold medal winners - your partner just gets bronze. And it's hard.

Sorry, that was loooooong - clearly I remember those insecurities very clearly!!!

I think Chelen is spot on...I believe it's insecurity - he wants to feel valued for the input he has with your ds and I suspect then when your DS has a good time with his dad your dp feels 'betrayed'.

Step parenting is so very hard, much much harder than being a parent. You have to give,give and then give some more and you're not guaranteed a return.

I think you can reassure him as Chelen says but I also think he needs to stop making comments that are at the detriment of the ex as your ds will pick up on any negative judgements and it will cause divided loyalties, which is not good for your ds.

It seems like your ds is fortunate to have a good dad and a good step dad which is the best of all worlds and he's likely to grow into a confident adult.

I guess your dp will have to learn that just as parents can equally love more than one child, children can love more than one parent or dad!

Thanks Chelen, that has made me see things from a different point of view. I can clearly see that he is slightly (or very!) insecure. For example if my son talks about what he has done at his real dads house DP gets the hump and will either storm off or nudge me to tell him to stop it. But I feel that I can't because he is only 5.

My partner is a wonderful man but he almost requires endless appreciation from my 5 year old who I feel is a bit too young other than teaching him to say "thankyou" and making little keepsakes and such I can't possibly think what more he wants from him and it's frustrating. I do thank him myself but maybe not as often as I should. DS calls DP "daddy" and that was completely off his own back where DS would sit at the dinner table when he started school and started to recite, "I'm the kid, he's my brother, your my mummy, your my step daddy". Then he started calling DP "step daddy" until he eventually dropped the step one day and I think that was such a lovely thing and that alone is worth a million thankyous.

We have our own bio child together so it isn't like I'm going anywhere!

What you have said has shed light on things a little so I will try to mention specifics when he has calmed down. Sometimes I do grit my teeth when DS starts talking of his dad and secretly wish he would just shut up to spare an atmosphere, but like I say he is only 5. I'm on silent treatment at the moment. Grrrr.

If a step mum acted like your DP she'd be accused of trying to take the child's mums place. Your son has a father who he sees regularly from what I understand and yet your DP wants to be appreciated etc etc.
He sounds childish, needy and pretty unreasonable. The boy is 5 for christs sake.
I get that your DS chose to call your DP daddy but as he sees his Dad regularly, is that not a bit odd?

I'm a stepmum and a mum for the record.

And not being allowed to talk about what he did at Dads house? That's not on IMO. I'd never expect that of my DSS and I'd be really bloody furious if his mum and stepdad imposed that at their house.

I am going to come at this from a different angle.

Your Partner needs to grow the hell up! He is a father and a step father and needs to suck it up. Your little one is 5, just a little lad. There is no competition, your partner is being an idiot.

And as for 'nearly throwing a remote control at me' REALLY? Because you didnt understand. Sounds like he has control issues to me.

You sound like you're doing all the right things. Your DP does sound very insecure though. It is perfectly normal for your son to love his Dad and enjoy his time with him. Having nuggets and chips in a pub is hardly a crime is it?

Your DP is trying to turn his insecurity into your problem and in turn your 5 year old sons problem, which it isn't - it rests solely with your DP.

It really is very wrong for your little boy to grow up feeling like he can't talk about his Dad at your home.

My son is thirteen and his Dad has always been very lax with discipline and nutrition etc. but DS loves him and that is fine by me. However, he does often now mention little things where he says he is glad of my discipline and rules because they are making him a better person than he would have been taught to be at his Dads.

So what I am saying is that one day your DS will realise who was "doing the right thing" and who was taking the easy route.

Dp just has to be patient and not be looking for constant praise - parenting isn't like that, whether it is biological or step parenting.

Ooooh, I think if he openly gets huffy then he has a problem. I understand his feelings but he's an adult and needs to suck it up in front of the kids.

Needing gratitude from children - your own or step kids - is not really on.

Your later post makes me feel a bit uncomfy really as that sounds needy rather than normally step-parentish insecurity!

See that is what I feel sometimes. That it's childish and somewhat needy! It isn't constant behaviour and it doesn't happen all the time but when he brings it up the childish way rather than the "we are adults let's sit down and discuss what WE could do" way which he is capable of! I keep wondering why he can be like this and I have a deep feeling that the issue is more to do with being upset that my ex husband and I have been on civil terms - I noticed DP behaved more appropriately and even helpful when me and my ex were at "war". It's such a shame as he is a bloody good parent but he seems to let whatever insecurity he has get in the way.

It is not like I have general chit chat with my ex husband or anything, we only talk about the children, nothing more, nothing less. That's the boundary.

DS knows who his real dad is, we did speak to a family therapist who told us not discourage or encourage whatever label he chooses once he decided to drop the "step", we were told just to accept and/or embrace as I too felt it was a bit strange at first. He is fully aware that DP is not his real dad, so it is not "odd" as such as we sought professional advice.

My DH and his ex are on very good terms, friendly even and I'll admit I can find it tough but it wouldn't make me act like your DP is acting. However, I recognise we all react to different situations differently so perhaps if that is the reason for his behaviour, you can address it in a positive way and reassure him somehow.

I'm no saint, I've definitely been known to get shitty with my DH about his 'wonderful' ex and her 'wonderful bloody family' but it's how your DP is putting it onto your DS that needs to change. Hopefully with some reassurance from you that will happen in time.

I admit I do find the Daddy thing uncomfortable.. My DH would be devastated if his son called his exes husband Daddy but you're not here for guidance on that so fair enough on what the family counsellor said and you obviously know what's best for you and yours.

Hi, we were also advised not to be prescriptive about what SS calls me. He varies a bit, but never changes what he calls his mum. We always call his mum by her chosen title or 'your mum'.