Mild rant about punishment from ex...

[balia]

Just a gentle moan about my DSS's mother (again). We had one of DSS's little friends over this weekend for a sleepover for the first time - we've asked one or two of his friends if they'd like to come over before but for whatever reason (cynical me things possibly DSS's mum has told them we are child-beating axe murderers or similar) their parents have said no.

So we were really pleased, the two boys had a great time. DH was fairly sure DSS hadn't mentioned it to his mum - he's not allowed to go to sleepovers and they can't have sleepovers in their house. But we think she may now have twigged it as we had a phonecall last night from DSS saying mum had said he had to swap the coming weekend as he had parties to go to. I insisted that his Mum talk to DH (I hate it when she makes DSS a go-between, he's only 9 and it is very stressful for him, relaying messages back and forth) but the upshot is, no contact next weekend.

Methinks she is not happy about us having had the sleepover...

Or just maybe he really does have parties to go to? Possibly? Or do you know that he doesn't?

I agree though, your DSS shouldn't have to be the go-between, that's a bit rough, poor kid. :(

If he does have parties to go to DH is perfectly capable of taking him. We only live 20 minutes away.

Oh yes, sadly I suspect that the sleepovers are the issue as we have had this situation.

DSS can't have friends to stay with us as the ex can't risk that other parents might find out that DH is actually very, very lovely.

If the issue was genuinely parties then it would be normal/usual for the parents to discuss the arrangements - rather than cancel contact completely.

So why doesn't your DH just say to DSS mum that he'll take DSS to the parties - there's no need for DSS to miss out? Ask her for the contact details/address etc - politely (by email/ text if possible) and firmly make it clear that despite what she might think, visiting his dad is not 'a leisure activity' for DSS, it is part if his day to day routine

We've spent years avoiding confrontation - accepting the manipulation that DSS mum exposed DSS and DP to - since DP started challenging it, things have actually got better! She still gets stroppy, but DP does his own thing regardless of what she says.

I HATE when the kid has to pass messages. Bless them they must dread the reaction... even if the reaction is fine (i.e. the NRP has a scrap of decency to not let on how angry they are to the child) the child will know it is wrong and it must just be horrid. I found this today: if only more people would take them on board..

www.brainwashingchildren.com/2011/09/the-10-commandments-of-divorced-parenting/

God yes, what NADM says. This can't go unchallenged. You and DH can take him to the parties. FFS, it's not rocket science.

Sorry, I'm a bit ranty myself tonight!

Sorry Balia - I didn't mean the "rocket science" to be aimed at you and DH... I ment it shouldnt be hard for the mother to grasp the concept

You'd think, wouldn't you . No we've had this before - she takes it into her head to cancel contact and then it is any excuse going. It used to really wind me up when Cafcass etc used to say, oh just go along with her, tell her what she wants to hear (like when she said we could have contact if we promised not to bath him, or to drive the 'right' way out of the street etc) because they weren't the ones having to deal with her; if one excuse doesn't work she just moves on to the next one and if all esle fails, locks the door and won't answer when DH turns up. God knows what the kids make of it!

Smum that is exactly what I think, too.

That is very sad and strange, balia. Probably not that uncommon but still very strange behaviour. :(

balia - why does DSS mum come up with excuses? Why doesn't she just tell your DH that she doesn't want him to see DSS?

In our experience, it's because she's worried about what other people think - so if you challenge her excuses, and come up with reasonable solutions to each of her obstacles it forces her to come up with more and more outlandish reasons !

We've recently reached a point where DSS mum ran out of excuses and openly stated that she didn't want DSS to see DP. that is probably the best thing that has happened - DP has now involved agencies to support DSS on the basis that DP has the real reason 'in writing' and exW can't put on an act for teachers, counsellors etc any more.
The relief it has given DSS is incredible - he has known that his mum didn't want him to see his dad for years - now dad knows too, and DSS doesn't have to keep it a secret any more

I think there are two agendas going on. Firstly, there are just some things that she just wants to do with DSS, like family things. No problem, the odd swap is no hassle. But she's very chaotic, so she finds it very hard to sort out alternative plans, so it is easier not to. Secondly, there are MH issues but she finds it very hard to admit that these are being put before what DSS wants, so she'd rather keep making excuses/demands until DH refuses, then she can blame it all on him.

Thus she doesn't want DSS to see DH, but she's not a selfish/bad parent, because it is DH's fault.

NADM, Your comments made me think about how we deal with this - If DH does push for contact and try to get to the real reason the ex says DH is being controlling and he is bullying her.We get this accusation at any attempt to have real discussions. I now realise that it's a highly effective but nasty strategy. DH has offered to have all conversations recorded since he's very confident that his behaviour is never inappropriate..the ex isn't keen however! I think maybe we should just just do it.