Step Parenting/Bereavement - not sure if this is in the right place.

[MrsS01]

Lengthy, sorry. I've posted previously about SD, 10, having issues regarding her late mum who died 4 yrs ago. I do think its affected her however I'm concerned that she's playing on things too and I'm not sure how to handle it, I don't want to upset her any more but I want her to know I'm wise to what she's doing too.

To explain, a few things have happened lately, the latest being we'd gone out for family outing with my DD (8) and the kids had an argument. There wasn't a problem my DD came to me and just said SD hadn't been very nice - she wasn't making an issue of it. Partner then started playing with my DD. SD came over crying saying we need to get a divorce and my DD had said mean things to her - when my partner asked what she ummed and erred and said she'd have to think what they were and then eventually she said my DD had said 'at least she's got a mum' My DD said she didn't (and although I wasn't there) I really don't think she did as she's not a spiteful child and is very considerate of people feelings. Plus the way SD had to think of something it was pretty obvious she was making it up.

I think SD thought she was in trouble for the argument so by being upset and saying it was my DD's fault it would get her out of trouble, plus she could have been jealous of the attention my DD was getting when her dad was playing with my DD so was attention seeking too.

I let my partner deal with it. He's talked to her about making things up to get herself out of trouble (there have been a couple of similar situations at the school where shes been in trouble then said another child has teased her about not having a mum).

I really feel for my SD, she is no doubt at times upset and misses her mum. However, I want her to know that although she has my sympathy, can always talk to me and I'll be there for her. I do know when she's making things up, and getting other people into trouble is not acceptable.

We have asked her if she wants to talk to a counsellor (she has done previously) but she says she doesnt.

My partner talked to her at length after, about lying etc. SD said she doesn't want her dad to be happy. SD also said she's also worried that I'll leave. Normally we get on very well and she wants me around, can't wait to see my and my DD, but it seems to be if there's an problem she throws this 'you need to get divorced' at us. She seems quite confused as to what she wants. I think maybe although she likes me she's worried things may change with me around - we live in different towns so if we decided to move in together it would mean a move (for all of us, me and my DD too), she hasn't said that but I wonder if she's thinking about changes.

How would you handle it sympathetically but also firmly as it will no doubt happen again?

any advice, tips?

I think you need professional help - can you get family therapy through gp?

Sounds extremely difficult. Sorry, no idea how to handle, second what MJin said - suspect you need someone with more insight than a random stranger on MN.

Actually winstons wish may be a good place to start - they were an excellent source of support when my friend died and they specialise in bereaved children.

here. Think they have support groups?

I think you need to talk to specialists, so either Winston's Wish, as MJ suggested or to Cruse. The death of a parent is extremely complex and you probably do need some extra guidance/support to help your DSD through this.

I would question the use of the term, 'playing the bereavement card'. There is no card imo. Bereavement is extremely complex and as an adult I can go through a hundred different emotions in an hour, changing my mind about what I want/what I want to do/how I feel. God alone knows how I would feel if I was 10 years old.

What I meant brd, and I should have explained myself better, is that it is not always 'playing a card' when someone blames certain behaviour on the death of a loved one. It might on the surface appear to be such, but the emotional issues surrounding a death are so deep and complex I really do not believe it is as cut and dried as that.

Counselling is definitely the way forward for all concerned, so that everyone can start to understand their emotions and consequent reactions and behaviour.

Hi, I totally accept that children can 'play' on situations, whether that be an illness, divorced parents, bereavement whatever, but I also think the phrase in your OP which reads 'I really feel for my SD, she is no doubt at times upset and misses her mum' is a massive understatement.

Losing a parent as a child is huge, it shapes you forever. It is with you every minute of every day, MY MUM IS DEAD, nobody else's mum is dead, WHY IS MY MUM DEAD????

Of course your SD should not get away with excessively bad behaviour, but on my reading of your initial post OP, it does feel like you could be a bit more understanding about what has happened. Maybe don't deal with the behaviour, but try to get to the feelings causing the behaviour and help her process whatever is causing her to say these things. How much time do you and her dad spend talking with her about her feelings in an average week?

I think for kids, they go through things/events/issues over and over, as they grow up. Every time they get new info or grow up a bit they have to look again at things. So they don't process once and move on, they need to re-process as they age.

Agree try Winston's Wish, they helped my friend who's daughter has lost her dad.

I wonder if she is very angry, everyone else has moved on, but she is still stuck feeling hugely sad. It's common after break ups let alone deaths, and presumably the rest of your family are more happy than she is. Maybe she is trying to make you feel more like her, as she can't feel more like you? Maybe she thinks if you got divorced you would understand how crap she feels?

I agree, I got married first time at 25, and my dad had died 9 years before, but oh my god, seating plans, top tables, everyone else had a dad, even a divorced didnt care dad, and I thought I was sorted.

I think she loves you and cant deal with guilt, (my dbd same and she lives with mum), its guilt for loving someone who isnt mum but is mum at same time.

DBD got over it once counsellor let her think "it was ok to move MJ*.

I accessed counselling for DBD through school.

I keep thinking about this one, could she be saying these things because she wants you/adults to offer sympathy about her mum's death, but doesn't feel able to ask directly? So she does what a child does, which is tell a tale to try and get what she wants. But she doesn't want you to tell off the other child, she doesn't really care about them, she wants you to talk about the thing she feels - I don't have a mum and everyone else does.

Therefore if you proactively talked about her mum more, offered more sympathy at other times, she might not feel she has to tell tales to try and bring the subject up.

I'm going to ask to have my posts deleted, OP. I'll send you a message if that is OK.
Been down this road before, and should not post.

she is 10, would yo ugive her a choice about going to dentist?

I agree with MJ, brdgrl etc that she should see a counsellor and I also wouldn't offer it as a choice.

a counsellor will be used to reisitance, that is their job, to get them to open up.

MrsS, I really recommend Tear Soup It's the best book I have read about grief. I think it is equally as appropriate for children as well as adults.

I think my advice would be do not under estimate your DSD's grief for losing her mother - and the guilt that goes along with it too (MJ is absolutely right in this imo). She will be very confused about what she wants and, I speak from experience, those feelings can change several times within a few minutes. This is why counselling is essential to help her work through those and to understand that what she is experiencing is entirely normal.