Was I wrong to lose my temper as much as I did?

[madonnawhore]

I posted this in OTBT but someone suggested I post here too as I may get better insights.

Quick bit of background: been with my BF for around 15 months. We don't live together. He has a DD (4) with his ex. She walked out on him when their DD was 2 and I met him two months later. During our relationship he's been grieving the break up of his family, which has always been a source of insecurity for me. I shouldn't have got involved with him so soon after his horrible break up, but to be fair he did dripfeed me the details of their split slightly and by the time I understood the full timescale of it and everything I was smitten with him.

He's a good, kind, caring person and partner. Really can't fault him on that front. And he's a fantastic father to his little girl. He'll bend over backwards for her, which is kind of what this post is about.

So, I've been staying at his this week and his DD has been at her mum's (she's the RP). We didn't have specific plans for last night but I was looking forward to just chilling in front of the telly with him. Then at lunchtime he sends me an email saying his ex has asked him to take their DD to a family do being held by her family (apparently a distant relative was in town or something) that night.

Stuff like this has happened before at the last minute, where she can't look after their DD because she's got a 'work meeting' (more on that later) and so BF has to change his plans to suit her.

I said I didn't see why he had to go since it was a family do with all his ex's family and surely between them, one of them could look after his DD. And I said I was angry that I was getting ditched at such short notice for what seemed to me like no good reason.

He said he had to go because:

A. his ex's parents were refusing to babysit any more because his ex had been asking them to babysit loads recently (too bad as far as I'm concerned. Maybe she should just go out less and spend more time with her child, then people would be more inclined to babysit.)

B. his ex asked him to take their DD while on speakerphone so DD could hear him on the other end and she got all excited thinking she was going to see her dad. So in his words he'd 'look like the bad guy if he said no'. Which was really shitty and manipulative of his ex imo.

I have to say I went a bit nuclear. I couldn't help it, once I let the lid off a little bit it all came tumbling out. I was shouting, crying. And I got really bitchy about his ex too. Probably not my finest moment but I was furious that she could just say 'jump' at such short notice and everyone says 'how high?'. While I draw the shit end of the stick yet again and had my evening ruined. I said it was massively disrespectful to me and that even though I knew I'd always be second best to his DD, I NEVER EVER expect to be put second best to his ex. Which is what I feel happened last night.

It's as if what I wanted to do that evening and how I felt about it didn't matter at all. It's all about everyone bending over backwards to help his ex out.

Oh, and the reason she couldn't take her DD to her own family's party? She was going to meet someone 'from a modelling agency', because she wants to be 'a model'.

BF and I talked loads last night and I didn't hold back on how I felt. We kind of cleared the air, but this morning I still feel so, so angry and I can't seem to move past it. I feel like he should have said no and told her not to put him on the spot like that. I feel like he should have not gone when he saw how upset I was.

I don't even quite know why I got as upset as I did. I feel terrible for losing my temper and making my BF feel bad when he was put in an impossible situation. Am I being really selfish? Maybe I can't hack it?

Any insights or slaps round the face are welcome.

Thanks if you made it this far.

and that comment, about "he doesnt need", I would disagree, he does need to know the current state of play is making you unhappy, no you shouldnt have blown up like you did, but given that you feel like some sort of odd secret, then its hardly surprising you are struggling with it.

It would be different if it was something you had agreed on, as I know some SP posters have, rather than something that is being imposed on you.

The more I read your posts the more I don't think this has anything to do with the child, the ex, the changing of plans... I think you just feel insecure in the relationship - and rightly so!

Everytime something like this happens you feel like it's a rejection of you.

You need to take a long hard look at him, and your relationship and work out if this si really what you want.

All (most of) us step parents come 2nd, 3rd and sometimes 4th on our partners list of priorities on occassion, tis the way it goes. But deep down you need to know that he loves and respects you - at least I need to now that.

Why exactly can't the child know about you? Has he given you a reason?

No he hasn't really explained why she can't know about me.

Only that she 'might get confused'.

When we've spoken before about our relationship he just says that he feels like 'his heart has been ripped out' at the break up of his family. He 'feels a failure' that he couldn't keep his family together and like he can't tap into any of his emotions.

I keep waiting and waiting, thinking if I hang in there long enough, eventually he'll be over it and our relationship can really progress.

Every time I think I've had enough and I'm going to end it, he ups the ante and it gives me hope.

How to put this ...............

You aren't his counsellor or his therapist, you are his partner.

You also have feelings.

Ups the ante - just enough to keep you hooked??

I've been him - but I was honest - my speciality was impossible ling distance relationships that were never going anywhere.

Oh I don't counsel him. In fact he very rarely talks about his feelings. It's like getting blood out of a stone trying to get him to talk about what happened at all. Unless by counselling you mean simply being a comforting presence and companion.

We spend all his free time together. He's very affectionate and considerate, generous, kind, funny... We are close and get on very well. We make plans together. There's a lot of respect in our relationship (upthread example excepted). But yes, I do feel he holds me at arm's length slightly. He explains this as a result of his having been very hurt by the break up of his family.

I mean upping the ante in terms of him starting inviting me back to his mum's with him and DD (previously not something that ever happened). Or me going over to his flat while DD's there and us all spending the evening together.

These things feel like incremental steps in the right direction.

But then if I was being cynical, they could also be read as being just enough to keep me hooked.

Ah that sounds better :), was getting worried there (and I am not in the best place at the moment so am a lot blunter than usual - not dhs fault).

I think it's just honesty that's needed. He sounds like he cares a lot :)

Oh god . I was worried you were going to reply with something like "Yep, definite dead end. Sorry dump and move on."

I'm glad my instincts aren't letting me down. It's true, he does hold me at arm's length and that does make me insecure.

But he's not a horrible person or an asshole who'd fuck me around. I just think he's very hurt and grieving. Unfortunately I have to decide whether I should take the risk that it will be ultimately worth riding that out with him.

He is very honest with me about his feelings when I ask him direct questions. But he's not forthcoming otherwise. Although I do believe he will never lie to me.

Like I said in my OP. I should have walked away when I realised he was only two months out of his break up. Because I didn't, that's the reason I'm going through this now.

In your situation I'd be compeltely honest - if that does drive him away - well then you know.

If he listens, you can make plans and he sticks to them - all is well and good.

The reason you exploded at him is because you don't feel happy. I don't know what honest is for you and what you want and need - but usually it's the best policy.

Madonna - you are not alone - I am in a fairly similar situation. It took my DP a very long time to properly bring me into his life - it wasn't because he didn't love me - it was because he felt like a complete and utter failure because his ex walked out on him. He still feels guilty about the children. I had give him a lot of time and he did quite a lot of therapy. Now we are in a good place and I love his children very much indeed. Interestingly it was 15 months into our relationship when the tough discussions really started...
My DP's ex continually takes the piss. She regularly changes things at the last minute and we have the kids far more than has been agreed it annoys me less now than it did when the children didn't really know me. There are still times when I feel 'impotent' (christmas being a good example) but I am getting much better at working out what's really important and what's really best for the children.
Being a step-parent is harder work than I could ever have imagined. I don't have my own children and don't know if that makes it harder or easier (harder I suspect as there is no experience from which to build understanding).
I not very good at advice but don't be too hard on yourself - you lost your temper because you were angry at your DP - I would probably have lost my rag too. Now, work out what you can do together to try to make sure you don't get mad again. (if you're anything like me it might take you a good few days to work out what it was you were angry about...)
Good luck.

As I was reading the thread I was wondering why you were being kept at arm's length ? I'm all for separated parents taking it slowly but I think you might need to get more involved with his daughter and his life so YOU can determine if it works for you.
There is a real chance that you can't bear the step parenting role (it really isn't for everyone) but how will you know unless you're given the chance?

You will find threads here posted by step parents asking what they would have done in the early days if they had known the difficulties ahead - most step parents say they would have run as they completely under estimated the anguish being a step parent can cause.

Does the ex know about you? As you have been together 15 months I would assume that he treats you as a partner rather than g/f..if so I think his default position should be to check with you first and then confirm with the ex.

I can relate to MJ's post as I was a single parent for several years and I absolutely wasn't ready to allow anyone permanent into my life. I certainly would not have put any partner ahead of my dd so I was an unreliable partner. When I met my DH I felt ready for the change and his understanding attitude did help however I treated him fairly and with respect - always making sure he was involved in decisions even if my dd was ultimately the priority. In your situation I would have said to my ex "I should be able to do it but I need to check with DH and I'll get back to you".

If you were a lone parent as well I think this relationship could suit but I do wonder if it's the right shape for you..Would you feel happy if a year from now the situation hadn't changed?

My DP has 4 kids. I have no children. How do you get to a place where you don't feel resentful of playing second fiddle all the time? I need to understand it is not him pandering to his ex, but out of concern for the kids...