Advice please - don't know how to explain how I feel to OH

[VinoTintoRapido]

Hi all,

I need a bit of space to vent and some practical advice please ? this is the only place I think I?ll get both so thank you for reading this. I?ll try and keep this short?

I?m engaged to my OH and we?ve been together for 4 years. He has a DS, my DSS, who is aged 13 from a marriage which ended a long time before I came on the scene (they separated about 10 yrs ago.) DSS lives with the ex and we have him every 2nd weekend. I?ve got a pretty good relationship with DSS - he?s a nice kid and we get along.

Unfortunately the last few months have brought some serious challenges to our home life. My OH?s business went into administration which has left him with a lot of debt. We have been just about getting by on my salary but have been forced to sell his house where we live as we can?t afford to stay there anymore. He is applying for jobs but nothing's come up yet so we are keeping to a very tight budget like a lot of people at the moment.

Once the house is sold we will move in with family until I/we can save for a deposit to rent a flat and start building things back up together. It?s going to take a while to get back on our feet but we?ll get there in the end. Needless to say the wedding is on hold for the next few years and I?m banishing all hopes of getting some time away for the foreseeable future.

Against this background, I?ve got something on my mind and I need some pointers on how to tackle it as I can feel uncertainty and resentment building.

DSS is at private school and up to recently my OH has paid full fees and his ex hasn?t paid anything- ever. I was shocked to learn this but have always tried to keep out of it as it?s their child and he?s obviously been willing to carry the can up to now including paying for ski trips etc (yes really.)

Obviously things are very difficult on our finance front and we?re going to continue to struggle until my OH secures regular work. The fact OH seems pretty set on keeping DSS at private school with this uncertainty over our heads does not sit well with me- I feel we should be pooling our efforts and resources into rebuilding our lives and getting back on our feet all together- including DSS in this of course.

From my perspective, private schooling is not a luxury he/we can afford in the short or long term due to the strain it will put him and us under. I realise it?s his child but, ultimately, we?re a team and I deserve to be involved in decisions that will dictate our future.

I increasingly feel like he keeps me in one box in his head and his ex wife and DSS in another like the two things do not affect each other which is of course the exact opposite.

How do I express these feelings of worry and frustration in a clear, sensible way? I have a fear that if I don?t, I?m going to start resenting DSS and grow increasingly angry at OH for him not consulting with me on these big issues that affect us both, not just him.

Thanks for reading this far- I hope you can offer some advice on how I go about broaching this

xx

Sounds like a lot to deal with. The money your DP spends on his DS is your concern if you're left trying to support the two/three of you so you have every right to bring it up. Either your you have separate finances and your DP supports himself and his son (in which case his finances are his own business) OR you have joint finances, (in which case you can make a joint decision on the schooling and everything else). So maybe you could ask DP which he wants?

However, on a practical level - I think most private schools have bursary funds for exactly your sort of situation - well worth finding out DSS's does.

The suggestion of a bursary is a good idea as it's a difficult situation - certainly your DSS is at a difficult age to move schools and it may not be easy to get him into a good state school at this age. I can see where your OH is coming from as stability at this age is important.

I think the outcome depends on the finances of all the parties involved - can your OH raise the funds from the house sale, if the ex could contribute 50%?

If your DSS is in Year 9 then you are looking at 2.5 years of payments to get to GCSE - alot depends on the chances of your OH getting a job and how quickly.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to be contributing to your DSS school fees, if that means you are suffering as a result. That strategy will just breed resentment as your OH is responsible for his DC's costs..full stop. If by doing that he can't afford to live then I think he needs to make the decision about schooling. Are you in a position to loan your OH the money? As you're not married I think you are sensible to take a separate view to finances.

If your DP wants to keep his DS at private school, he will have to either get a bursary as suggested above (which could easily be successful) or ask any of DSS's grandparents if they would be willing to help. It is not down to you to foot the bill.

In a situation like this I think it is helpful to think if the child was our child, what would we do? I personally would not prioritise private education over a home and so I would look to make changes. I may be biased as I had to move from private school half way through year 9 due to my dad's business problems and I was fine, so I guess that makes me a bit blase about it.

It will presumably be difficult with the ex, I understand, but this is life - things change.

I think with your own relationship, this is exactly the sort of issue where it tests whether you are a real partner or 'just' a girlfriend. If your partner doesn't let you in enough to share in these huge financial decisions, it doesn't sound very fair given how hard you are working to support him.

I had this dilemna myself, I had to pull my DS out of private school once DH came into my life, as ironically, we were poorer as a couple, we had an arrangement that exh paid fees, but no maintenance, and frankly I needed the money.

Basically who is really funding the private schooling?? you or him??

Thank you so much for these comments ? God Bless this message board and all that sail in her!

Reading your thoughts has really helped crystalise my thinking and it's clear I need to sit OH down and talk to him and, at the very least, make it clear that his level of communication sucks. I also need to spell out in no uncertain terms that making assumptions and decisions about our lives together, but leaving me out of the conversation/ process, is unacceptable.

Following this, at this stage, I can still input into the wider conversation and try and help find a solution that is a fair compromise to all involved.

As Chelan says- this is the sort of thing that tests whether I'm a real partner or 'just' a girlfriend. Unfortunately it?s not the first time I?ve felt this.

If I'm really honest with myself he does not have a great track record of communicating things relating to DSS and the arrangements with his ex whether they affect me or not. In fact I don?t have a clear view of any financial commitments child related or otherwise

I think he has operated a 'need to know' policy up to now and, basically, wants to avoid any potential conversations with me where I might challenge his view or ask questions that might rock the boat. E.g. Ahead of him proposing 3 years ago he said he?d asked his wife for a divorce and said he was on with the process?cue last January and we?re having dinner in a restaurant when I find out he hasn?t even filed the initial piece of paperwork. On finding this out my explosive reaction made him move with the process pronto and, taking into account the usual song and dance entailed with these things, it should be completed very soon. But that reminds me? he hasn?t updated me in the last couple of months.

I?m seeing warning signs for our relationship - It feels like I have to kick off for him to talk to me or prompt any actions. I need him to grow up and grow a pair. Just because something?s difficult to deal with, it doesn?t mean you don?t do it.

We?ve got DSS today so it?s not the time or place to talk about it but tomorrow I?m going to sit him down. Wish me luck

xx

Good luck - do update if you feel like it, I always like to know how things work out!

Do you have a child yourself? I'm not asking in a derogatory way, but because I can't see your point of view at all. I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, and if he asked me to move my child's school with the purpose of spending that money on "rebuilding" my life with him, he'd be toast. Children come first, there's no equality in comparing the relationship between a new partner and your own child.

colditz - I think when parents have lost a home then they perhaps need the money to re-establish their family base? My parents had to do just that, they needed the fees money to save the house. Kids don't come first, they come equal. And a home benefits everyone surely? I wouldn't move in with my parents and carry on paying private school fees for my children - surely 'home' comes higher than 'fees' on the hierachy of needs?

I would have thought that for any child, the parent's ability to rebuild their life was fundamental to said child's wellbeing and future security. Stable parent/financial situation/happiness/wellbeing is absolutely critical to wellbeing of child imho. So to say that any of these is 'second' to the school the child currently attends is mis-informed IMHO.

Unless you'd ake yourself homeless to pay the fees, Colditz?

How is he paying the fees at all then, if his business has failed and he has no job? It seems like a lovely idea to keep dss at a private school, but if he is expecting you to pay the fees from your earnings (with no discussion) he is being totally unreasonable.

Colditz - would you though expect your partner to fund private education for your child while you didn't have a job, which is seemingly what the op's dp is doing?

I can see it from two sides, I have a dss of a similar age and have been with his dad since he was 4 and a half. We are now married and have our own DS. Mine and dss's relationship is excellent and I count him as one my own when he is with us. However, Dh is self employed and doesn't earn as much as me so i pay the lions share of the bills. Dh was left by dss's mum when he was under one and she moved him far away for another man. As a result, i feel that Dh often over compensates where dss is concerned and let's him have whatever he wants. There have been occasions where I have been very annoyed that Dh has given dss amounts of money or bought him expensive items when I have been struggling to pay bills or buy our DS something. It's obviously no where near as serious as your situation but I can remember feeling absolutely furious that once when we were in toys r us dss talked dh into buying him some expensive cards when we had actually gone there to get DS some baby toys. When we got to the checkout, he bought dss's cards which were 18 quid and turned to me and gave me the 2 quid change towards ds's!!!!!! So i can def see where you are coming from. And why paying his Private school fees doesn't seem that it shouldn't be a priority for you right now ..... However as a mother myself, I can also see why he would feel that this is a priority., if I was the ex wife too then I would go beserk if he said he wanted to stop paying the fees to pay for him and his new womans home! Your kids come first at the end of the day.
Of course you should be consulted about financial descisions if your finances are joint so Maybe you should talk to him but be very careful how you put it. I know if I said anything to my dh he would be very angry so I try and bite my lip. I have to remind myself that I married him knowing he had a son and therefore his son also has to become my priority. Just don't get into a situation where he feels you are making him chose between you and his son because, speaking as a mother myself, he will probably pick his son. I know that sounds far fetched but it may appear like that to him If you tell him you don't want him pay it anymore. Just be careful!

If my 13 yo child had had a private school education, yes, I would be moving in with my parents in order to finance the finish of it. it is an awful age to move a child, and an even worse one to move him to an environment he hasn't evolved in.

A boy called Benedict (from private school)joined us in year 10 (state comp, neither bad nor excellent). He was mercilessly bullied because he was pleasant, clever and well spoken, and wasn't sufficiently ashamed of himself to hide it.

I would not put my child through that for all the homes in the world. Building a 'home' can wait.

Just to let you know I had a long talk with DP about how the lack of communication between us needs to see big improvements. It was very calm and neither of us shouted- we both heard each other?s side of things. We?ve pledged to both try to be more mindful of each other i.e. I not be kept perpetually in the dark.

As it turned out, as part of what was a 2 hour discussion, I only briefly touched on the DSS?s school as an example of conversations I need to be involved in. It turns out that DP and his ex are at the early stages of paper work applying for bursaries/scholarships etc with DSS?s school and this is one of a couple of avenues on the table as well as his parents lending a hand. Who knows, perhaps even his ex will think of making a contribution, whacky as that may sound?

On the wider topic, I was heartened to hear that it is important to DP that DSS has two stable home environments and, with that in mind, he says a home for the three of us comes first over the fees.

After sitting down with DP, I?m hopeful and optimistic that things will work out and he can stay at the school- that will be the best possible option for our family. In the event of DSS moving school, he?s in a leafy middle class heaven with great schools nearby- some of which contain boys named Benedict, I?m sure. I have faith that as a bright, charming young man he will thrive in whatever learning environment he finds himself in.

Thanks to each of you for sharing your opinions- I?ve really valued hearing your perspectives on this xx