need advice.....

[Jodie68669]

hi im jodie and very new to this site. before i start can someone please tell me what DD DS DSD, OH and all this means as im getting rather confused when reading threads...

im the biolgical mother to my 2 year old daughter, her biolgical father only gets to see her through a contact centre due to his horrid past. i met my current partner a year ago. we now live together but i feel he isnt getting along with my daughter ( his stepdaughter) i know terrible twos is hard enough if u have bounded with the child but im worried its not going to get any better... maybe im expecting too much from him and need to take a step back... if some others step parents can advise me this would be very much appreciated.

Jodie

Acronyms here

I would step back, As you say the two's are a tricky age and she's testing everything. Give him space, and keep your boundaries firm.

At this age she will not remember a time where he was not in her life, iygwim.

Does he have children of his own? I think it must be very difficult for someone to bond with a child if they aren't used to being around them and don't know how to be.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? Maybe he just isn't sure of the boundaries? Maybe he's holding back as he doesn't want to cross the boundaries as he doesn't know how much of a father figure to play?

he does not have any children of his own and hasnt spent alot of time around them. we have tried to talk aboutit but will once led to an argument sort of.. and other times i feel we have spoken about everything and everything is fine and he will be good with her and playing for a day or two then goes backwards... its very hard for me to understand how he feels as his behaviour can be confusing..

we have spoke about having a baby of our own... but i feel if he isnt bonding with my daughter then maybe its not fair on her as she may feel left out when heis giving loving attention to the baby and not her? x

Has he ever looked after her on his own? Obviously you'd have to trust him and by happy leaving her, but if you could do, just for an hour or two, maybe that would help him connect to her? 2 year olds can be very mummy-focussed and it can be hard for others to really connect to them when all they really want is their mum. My parents found my DD very hard at that age, but got on with her much better when I wasn't around and she was no longer able to shout "mummy do it!" whenever they tried to do anything for her!

It will probably get easier - by 3 or 4 most kids are much more interested in other adults, and when they're talking well that makes it easier for others too.

Can I ask - How does his lack of connection/not getting along show up? What does he do?

he has been alone with her for a day and they seemed to get on ok. he seems to have no interest in trying to understand her, if she is playing up he will put her straight on time out rather figureing out what the problem is or giving her a warning and asking her not to do somthing. if she is trying to talk to him or show him somthing 80% of the time he ignores her. he struggles to understand why a 2 year old doesnt understand everything u are asking of it.. he rarely gives her a cuddle... on the odd day he seems to try harder then others... i understand that maybe he can feel uncomfortable around her due to lack of expeirence but thought things might start getting better by now...

Tbh I'd have a problem if my DP was like that with my DS, he's also 2 and hard work but luckily he's amazing with him, sometimes I even think he is a better parent to him than I am. But the difference is that he's got 2 children of his own and loves kids.
I do think that some people just don't really 'get' kids, even some who have them. My friend's fella said that their son irritates him!
I do think that time should be a bigger helper and I agree that him spending some more time alone with her may help
Do you do things all together like days out to the zoo etc? Maybe by doing more fun things together he'll start enjoying her more rather than her being the annoying kid who messes up his news paper and wakes him up too early?
I think you're right about holding off having a baby yet, I think he needs to prove he can be a good 'dad' to your dd before trying for a baby, there's no guarantee that he would even be any different with his own baby.

Hmmm, yes, some of what you describe just sounds like he doesn't have experience with small children or any kind of parenting/child-minding skills - which is

More worrying though are the bits which sound like he just isn't that interested in relating to her. The part where you say he ignores her when she is trying to show hm something or talk to him - that is really worrying and a bit heartbreaking.

My own dad is like this with his grandchildren; in his case I think it is down partly to his age and the fact he's a bit deaf, but also to his attitude that kids should not interrupt adults - he's got a point, but he doesn't seem able to adjust his expectations for the kids' ages - I think it is fair to make a teenager wait for longer and not interrupt...it is fair to make an 8 year-old wait a couple of minutes...it is fair to make a 3-year-old wait by saying "hold on, granddad is talking; just one minute and you'll get your turn" - if you see what I mean! When he just ignores my 19-month DD because he is talking himself, I feel hurt for her and angry with him! I know that my dad was the same with us, and to be honest, it has had a lasting affect on me and my siblings and our relationship with him.

Your DP (partner) may not have very reasonable expectations of what a child that age needs or is capable of, and although this does not make him a bad person (again, it might just be inexperience!), I'd say he does need to change his approach or it will be very hard for your daughter.

A lot depends, too, on what the rest of your relationship is like. And how much he wants to be a connected family - or does he kind of begrudge your time with your daughter, her demands on finances and what you can do, etc...

I'd be concerned, because although 2 is a tough age in some ways, it is also rather difficult to 'dislike' a toddler to 'not get along' in the way that one can often (even easily!) dislike an older child. So it might get a lot worse as your daughter gets older, unless it is sorted out now. I have had at times to struggle with feeling "fed up" with my teenage stepkids, especially when they're acting up or being deliberately difficult - but I would have a tough time with a partner who felt as "fed up" with a toddler?

I would, if you can bear it, put the plans for a second child on hold until you feel more confident about this situation.

sorry - cut off the end of my first paragraph, should have said "some of what you describe just sounds like he doesn't have experience with small children or any kind of parenting/child-minding skills - which is understandable and can be solved with a bit of help and effort!"

I totally agree with brdgrl, your relationship can only work if he makes an effort with your dd, it can't ever work if he begrudges her and sees her as being in the way. You and your daughter come as a package, he can't have you without her, if he can't improve how he is then personally I'd question the future of the relationship.
That's just me tho, I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you not to be with him, I'm really not, but once you have a child you're not just looking for a partner for yourself, you're also looking for a father figure for them, not a replacement but somebody who is good for them.

I think some people can be step parents and some can't - to be honest. Some can learn and change and some can't.

Doesn't make the person that can't be a step parent, a bad person, it just means it not "their thing".

It is so unsocially acceptable to say that you don't like a child especially if it's your partners child, but I think it would save a lot of heartache and broken relationships if people were just honest with themselves.

In some ways you are lucky to have started your partner with such a young child, it's very difficult to start having a parenting role to a child who is a tween or teenager and who doesn't want the status quo upset. But if you really don't feel it's working, I would think it wise to get out before your daughter starts to understand the rejection that he is giving her.

You have time to find someone else who can treat her well.

Why not seek out a local parenting class and suggest he goes along with you?

It will get the conversations going about discipline, boundaries and so on with him, and hopefully, you will both learn how to parent together

Does he relate well to other children? Does he have nieces, nephews? There could be a number of reasons why he can't relate to her but you can't guess at those - you will need to get him to discuss it and I think this is the critical part. Step parenting is hard, much much harder than parenting and a pre-requite is excellent communication skills.

I think you need to consider that this issue might not get better (it could get worse) and if that's the case how do you feel about a future with him?