step daughter...well sort of!

[overitalready]

Hi,

Im new here & after some advice if possibly please?

So, been with OH for 2 years now..i have one DD who is 8 & he has 2 kids, well i say kids! He has 1 DD of 19 & 1 DS of 22.

The DS and i have no issues, hes a lovely boy & welcome anytime however is the DD i have the issue with!

I meet the DD over a year ago & that was the 1st & only time! Let me start from the beginning..

Me & OH werent living together at this point however we decided it was best 10 months into us being together that the time was right for me & DD daughter to meet. DD was spoken to by OH about this & declared she also thought it was the right time etc etc. The date was arranged & OH went to pick her up, once back @ OHs home she walked through the door already with a face like thunder, she sat down i tried to chat..she ignored. My DD also tried on numerous occasions to talk to her & also ignored. I went to hang the washing out before we went out & heard her saying to OH she wanted to go home..after 10 minutes of being there

we had agreed (her included) that we would go bowling so off we went, i got in the back of MY car so she could sit in the front again conversation going nowwhere fast at this point

we got to the bowling alley where she then stated 'i aint bowling' i asked her if she wanted to do something else, ignored again! by then i had begun to loose any patience i had, however i kept my cool & carried on

me, oh & my DD bowled whilst she sat on her iphone & being damn right rude to not only me & my DD but also to OH. I tried again x4 & each time she ignored me, i waited till the game had finished & as we were walking out of the bowling alley i told OH to take me & DD home.

He took us home & texted to say how sorry he was & that he would deal with it, picked us back up later that day & said he had spoken to her..she had cried & said she didnt know what to say to me (erm how about an answer to my 31345 questions?!) she didnt want to talk to my DD as she doesnt know what to say to kids (doesnt know how to say hello?!) the shock overtook her of how young i look (im 28 & OH is 45)..

anyway to cut a long story short i have never seen her since then, we have moved in together & she has never been to the house when i am there..partly down to me saying no to be honest

when OH goes to see her it will be on Sat when i am at work or a Sun when i simply refuse to go..

the time before last when she was at our house (i was at work, however can feel my bloody boiling at the thought of her being in my home) she told OH she was over it & she'd done alot of growing up since then..

however this is the 19 year old girl that spend the whole week before xmas crying down the phone to her daddy (yes she calls him daddy) that she wanted him to spend xmas day at home with her mum, her & DSS..he refused of course, this is the 19 year old girl who still calls him daddy, this is the 19 year old girl that will only ring him / arrange to see him if she wants something, stamps her feet & cries when she doesnt get her own way..i cannot see where she has grown up?!

for xmas this year both DSS & DSD come to our house for boxing day, i swopped swifts so i could work a 15 hour day to ensure i wasnt there, i arranged for my DD to be at my mums so she wouldnt be put in the position of being ignored by DSD.

OH had agreed to only spend £100 each on them for xmas, however when she realised that it would not be a car in that case the tantrum that followed was unreal!

OH had brought her a designer handbag however it wasnt the right one therefore she didnt 'fucking' want it, regardless of the fact i'd spent 3 hours trying to find that on the internet!! and no mention of me or DD in her xmas card, designed from moonpig with DADDY on the front!! grrrrrr...!!!

now this all came to a head last night in a row between me & my OH..he states i should be over it by now & i think hes right however i just cant seem to? I feel my blood boiling everytime i think of her!!

sorry its so long & thats for getting this far!!

Get back to us, won't you? Good luck.

Reading this has brought back sad memories for me and I thought I would share them with you, in the hope it may help.
My DH is a wonderful man and the love of my life until we involve the stepchildren. I have a DS (now 19) and DD (now 14) and my DH has a DD (now 18). When we first got together 8 years ago the kids seemed to get along and whilst we had some difficulties with the DSD behaviour I felt it was to be expected and worked hard to help overcome them. The behaviour ranged from crying through the night to taking things from my home and later self-harm of a mild but never the less very worrying nature.
Visitation was very erratic and sometimes it would be a month before we would see her as she only came when it suited her. I never had a say in visitation and had to put up with it although my own DS and DD saw their dad every fortnight and my DH was not happy if this was cancelled as he believed this was our time together.
I expressed my concerns to my DH but looking back I think he thought it was an attack on his DD rather than me caring and basically told me to keep out. Ironically I was the one who got up in the middle of the night with her and the one who talked to her about issues she had at home.
When she turned 13 she began to become more disruptive and lying quite blatantly to my DH, telling me one thing and him another but he refused to deal with the issue as he had previously refused to deal with the previous issues. He did not like disciplining her and being an only child she was very spoilt by both parents and was never made to do anything she didnt want to.
As you can imagine this all began to take its toll on our relationship and we began to argue, then his ex-wife announced that his DD would not come to the house where I was and if he wanted to see his DD he would have to make sure I wasnt there. Our home is the house I bought before I met my DH and I pay the mortgage on. However after much arguing I said he could bring her and I would go out, but he refused that option and began to pick her up and take her out to the cinema, bowling etc.
At 15 she was found lying in a gutter after taking drugs and I spent the whole night at A&E with my DH and his ex-wife. When I commented on her behaviour I was once again told not to get involved. Up until that point it had really hurt me that his DD wanted nothing to do with me. Since then I have become more than comfortable with the fact that I will never have anything to do with her and that is now my choice. Why? Because I know that no matter what she does or doesnt do my DH and I will never agree and I will always be pushed to one side and my opinion will not even be worth listening to.
Whilst I resent his DD, I resent my DH more as I feel he had no respect for me or my parenting skills, yet he quite openly disciplined my DS and DD. I think the biggest hurt for me was the fact that I trusted my DH to do what was right for my children (who let's be fair are the most precious people in your life) yet he did not trust me in the same way. For me all the hurt and resentment is due to the lack of respect that was shown.
Unfortunately we split last October when his DD booked for her and my DH to go away for the weekend on our wedding anniversary, which to be fair is the week before her birthday.
We now live separately and are trying to revive a relationship out of the ashes of our marriage. I love this guy but not sure I can ever forgive. I know I played a major part in all of this and could have handled things better but the resentment runs deep.
So please try and give your relationships with your step children a chance before it is too late and it ruins your relationship. My advice to anyone would be if it's not working try harder and look at why it is going wrong. It's not always down to the stepchildren but how your partner and you deal with it.

hi, you seem to be a very nice young woman, who wants to do what you know is right for the sake of your OH. His DD did behave badly but for his sake you do need to try and mend fences. I would like to suggest you keep the first meeting with her sweet and short with perhaps a pre-arranged exit strategy. I.e they meet for lunch, and you will join them for starters - but have to go off somewhere - if its going well - you can stay longer, if its frosty - then disappear before things go wrong. Perhaps leave your own DD with friends - then you can't get upset on your DD's behalf. then your excuse to leave is to pick her up. Then if it goes OK or even only OK ish - you can try another meeting - you don't have to like her, just enough to keep the peace.

Do you know something... Life really is too short. Relationships are difficult full stop. I have two grown up step daughters and two babas of my own. Weve had strops fights and tantrums over the years but I love them and wouldn't be without them. They are great friends to me now and close to their new sisters. So definitely worth the time invested. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. It will pay off in the long run. Good luck

She sounds like my mum's stepdaughters who 34 years down the line are still not "over it" and spent christmas trying to ruin my parents marriage :-( You can understand a young child not accepting a step parent but older children do need to stop and think about how this makes their parent who is piggy in the middle. There is no hope for women of 47 and 48 who still act like the 13 and 14 year olds they were when she became their step mother.

I hope this situation doesn't last as long for you x

@ Angel40,

Im sorry for the sad memories my post brought back :(

Thank you for telling me your story though, it helps..

i think my oh also feels when dsd is brought up that i am attacking her when i am sometimes just trying to be helpful. The impression i get is dsd being the only girl has also been brought up without proper discipline & has got away with an awful lot over the years hence why i think shes prob used to getting her own way & her dad being with me is not her own way..

My home is also mine, brought before oh & i got together & this is were i really struggle if im honest..her being there & yet cant have the respect to even say hello but shes ok to sit in my house, on my sofa, with my things & eat my food?! like you oh also now will pick her up & there'll go shopping, cinema, lunch etc rather than her coming over..i dont say anything when i know she has been there, i just let it brew inside me..

i cannot belive the booking of the weekend away! out of interest did your oh go on the trip??

I intend to make an effort, i really do..

@ sleepymum50,

thank for for your words & as you say i am doing this for OH, belive me i dont want to! :)

Im in 2 minds as to whether to take my dd, i think it might give me something to fall back on taking her as my mind will be on her..however as you say she could also be my get out clause! i think i will ask oh if he thinks we should take dd..see how the land lies so to speak! Again all excellent advice, thank you x

@ Mummageddon1975,

I really am trying to be the bigger person here now! thanks for the luck, im gonna need it!!

@ Groovee,

oh my how sad for your mum! 47 & 48?! thats terrible! how does your mum cope with it?

just an update...spoke to oh last night, i said sorry for acting childish & sorry for the way i had been, not acting like an adult etc and that i felt maybe we should try again..to say he was happy would be an understatement! oh is seeing dsd tomorrow so ive asked that he talks to her to see if she wants to do lunch & that i dont want her to feel forced into it, only if shes ready to try again..we'll see what she says tomorrow (i am at work btw so cannot make tomorrow) & i'll let you all know

thanks for all your words & advice xxxxx

I don't know. Life can be strange I guess. I used to be the step daughter and found it very difficult to accept my dads new partner. I'm sure I gave them hell and have holiday pics to prove what a stroppy cow I could be at times! when the boot was on the other foot it did my head in for years! Now we're all a bit older and wiser and have been through family traumas which has put things into perspective. I don't live with my stepdaughters now 16 and 18. I know they give there mum and step dad hell. I think I probably get off lightly! If you are trying to make peace then there is no blame attached to you. I guess you have no control over how they behave ultimately but you do have a say over how they effect you. Hopefully in time they will realise what a waste of time and energy all of this is and see sense