Dispair!

[Sammystella]

Hello

I've just discovered this site and I'm hoping no one would mind if I vent my frustrations about being a step parent!

My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years and his daughter is almost 4 years old. Until recently we have had a fantastic relationship but this weekend was a complete nightmare. Over the last few months she's become noticeably more insolent and it's driving me crazy. I was brought up to have respect for my elders (at 32 years old I still adhere to this!). She will not do a thing that I ask and is constantly cheeky to me- not her father I hasten to add. If she doesn't get her own way she cries. My partner has a very different attitude to parenting than I do- he believes in freedom of speech and seems to think that discipline will curtail her creativity. She can do no wrong is his eyes. I've locked horns with them both this weekend and now I have the added problem of her telling tales to her mother when she goes home tonight. I don't have any children of my own and until her, have had no experience of dealing with children.

I'm not necessarily asking for help; suppose it's would just be nice to know I'm not alone!

Thank you

Sammystella

all 4 year olds are cheeky, she is also probably subconsiously testing her dad trying to see whether he will support her and not you, to save your relationship with both of them you need to parent like he does. you may disagree with it but at the end of the day he is her dad.

4 year olds can be challenging and difficult to deal with. My own flesh and blood at 4 years old drove me up the wall, to be honest, so you have my sympathy.

Have you read some parenting books to give you some ideas on how to cope with things? Perhaps you could read them with your DP and talk about ways forward?

I don't agree that you need to do whatever your DP wants but I do think you need to communicate and have a sensible discussion where you can both compromise and agree on ways to parent this little girl.

"have had no experience of dealing with children. "

This is the problem, not the 4 year old :) Normally you work up to owning a 4 year old.

Oh lord OP your answers don't sound like you are on the SParenting thread. It is horrid for you (I was a SM - still am I suppose but they are all grown now thank god) I had exactly the same problem with my SD and it just got worse and worse over the years and I have manyyears of misery tbh.

The thing is you don't know what her mother is saying to her - could be "you don't have to take any notice of what X says - she's not your mother etc"
The worrying thing is your DP can see no wrong inher behaviour and this is very common with natural dads - they are referred to on here as "Disney dads" as so many smoms are having the same difficulties as you are. MIne was like that too.

Sorry but I think you have to really think whether this r/ship is worth all the hassle. Might have a chance if DP was willing to accept that her behaviour towards you is not acceptable and get the child to understand that when she comes to stay. To talk of discipline stifling creativity is nonsense and is I think his rationale for not supporting you. To be honest it was this very fact that DP say no wrong in her that got me more than the sd's actual behaviour.
I don't like the word discipline - it's too hard a word especially for a 4 year old, but there are ways of guiding a child into more acceptablr behaviour. Don't bottle your feelings up, talk to your DP about how you feel. I know how hard this is because I used to feel awful about the negative way I felt towards my SD, and see that she was fine with anyone other than me!

Hope you get some more supportive posts.

Sorry you are having such a rough time, I unfortunatly can't offer you any positive advice here but I have a 7, nearly 8yr old SS and my relationship with him is a nightmare. He talks to me as if he stepped in me, if at all, ignores me, undermines me, is rude, hits my children and me and then if I try to do anything about it i.e naughty step or take a privelege away he goes home to his mother saying I it him etc and she calls her solicitor who starts contact issues and my DH will just stand there and watch/listen and then make some excuse for his behaviour that always starts with a reason why the child felt the need to... (hit a 10 month old baby for example).

My DH is Disney Dad personified and the child will always be perfect, its a shame though as between DH and his mother they are killing the childs future, he can't dress himself, wipe his own bum, eat with a knife and fork along with a host of other things and he is bullied constantly at school, can't make friends and is bottom at everything at school and expects everything handed to hit on a plate.
My DH thinks kids raise themselves and somewhere between birth and 18 they turn themselves into responsible adults!!
My advice would be think carefully about the relationship, my SS was lovely when I first met him aged 3 and we were so close but as he's got older the lack of guidance and structure are slowly removing any positives. I wish I'd seen my DH's parenting for what it was before I decided to have kids with him, now I am faced with leaving him and i adore my children, I would never regret having them but I bitterly regret not having them with someone who appreciated what a miracle they are and didn't just ignore or spoil them depending on his mood.
You may make it work and I wish you the best but don't commit to anything until you are sure

Kids at 4/5 go through a naughty stage. Also kids nowadays act and are treated differently to when you were a child. You and your DP need to discuss parenting, and you probably need a crash course in parenting, try to go on a course and read a few books. Good luck!

Thank you so much for all your advice. I'm going to digest the information I've been given then I will write more. It's certainly a comfort knowing I'm not the only one to experience this.

Sammystella

just wanted to reply, because like nananina i am surprised by the responses you have gotten and at least wanted to counter with another perspective.

i do agree with two points made above -
1.) most 4 year olds will go through a stage of being 'cheeky', a bit insolent, and pushing boundaries and buttons. that is age appropriate. HOWEVER. it is also appropriate for the parents or authority figures to challenge that behaviour. it is important for her development that the little girl try it on a bit - but just as important that she get an appropriate parental response!!!

nananina has already given you a warning about Disney parenting. One of the things you might find in a Disney set-up is that the child's behaviour is indulged or accepted on the grounds that it is "normal toddler behaviour", or "normal teenage behaviour" or "normal preteen behaviour" - which is may well be. But ask yourself is the response is a "normal" and healthy response.

2.) you might indeed benefit from reading some parenting books, and you might find it helps you to understand what is going on and how to cope. but please!!! this? - to save your relationship with both of them you need to parent like he does - not true. You do need to be clear about what your role is going to be, and to what degree you are to be involved in parenting roles - but you need to also insist upon respect and a reasonable standard of behaviour towards yourself, your things, etc.

Ignore the some of the earlier comments, for some posters the fact that you are are a stepmum makes you wrong before you even start.

If you had an excellent relationship with your DSD has anything changed - could she be going through changes at home? We found that if DSD had upheaval at home with mum then she tended to play up more.
The first thing your DP has to do is acknowledge the problem - just because she is being Ok with him doesn't mean he should tolerate the behaviour.

He may not have not have discipline strategies in place and again that is common so it would be helpful if you discuss what boundaries you believe are appropriate and then suitable sanctions - it can be time out for 4 minutes, loss of a tv time or reduction of play time. All children test boundaries from time to time

4 years old is a very difficut time and my own DD drove me up the wall.

I literaly idolise my DD's stepmum for dealing with it all with such grace. Do you get on with her mum?

An open dialogue at this stage will help a lot. I am lucky to have this with my DD's stepmum and we will often call DD on issues and ask her why she said X, Y, Z about the other parent and if it is true. It's helpful for her to know everyone is on the same page.

I ave seen first hand (with my own DSD) what happens when this kind of openess doesnt exist and the child is allowed to play parents off against each other.

Ultimately you do need to follow suit with your partner's parenting but in my experience the Dad can take some gentle guidence over how to parent - he'll be more receptive to you if you are reading the right books etc. He may even thank you for helping him out.

You have EVERY RIGHT to set boundaries and guidelines in your own home. You just might need a little guidence yourself on how to make them age appropriate.

Hi, I also disagree with the suggestion you simply have to do as her dad does. That is a recipe for disaster once you have your own children and ultimately you have to get some agreement in your own home.

I have to say though that your assertion about showing respect to elders just because they are older is not really a viable parenting strategy. I have met as many idiots who are older than me as younger than me! Her teachers etc will give her reasons for asking for decent behaviour (e.g. we don't push BECAUSE blah blah blah, we don't shout out in class BECAUSE blah blah blah) so you are a bit out of step generally with the respect your elders thing.

You should expect general courtesy etc as a norm of course, but actually I think kids are programmed to test boundaries and it is by having consequences when they test that they learn. A child who never tests any boundaries and is simply 'respectful' the whole time is odd IMO.

So, you need to agree a set of house rules (either just with your DP or, IMO, also with your DSD too - altho that bit can be stage managed after your and DP have agreed in advance) and the list of consequences for not doing things. When my SS first started school, he became a nightmare for arguing with instructions. So we had a house rule that if it was an instruction, we said - 'this is an instruction, I want you to do X, y, z' and if he argued, he got a warning for arguing, then a consequence. He soon learnt... and moved on to a new way to drive us mad...

Usual parenting advice is to identify the behaviours you want and a reward system and the behaviour you don't want and a consequence system. Then if you and your DP stick to it you will make progress.

The issue comes really if you have a DP who never wants to punish/give consequences even after you have agreed stuff like this.

But I do sympathise - I became SM to a child of similar age and it is a big shock to the previously childless! It was a very steep learning curve. Good luck!

great post, chelen, you've put it very succintly and well, wish i'd said it just like that to my DH when we first got together!

let me tell you i have a dsd and dss and i am the parent that does the majority of discipline! dp is very different, my lovely kids now there boundaries and respect me and visversa. I LOVE BEING A STEP-MUM! (4 years on) if you would have asked me in the first 6-12 months then i would no way have said that!

brdgrl How I love the benefit of hindsight... I wish I'd said it like that at the start too!