suggestions about chores and DSS...v. long, sorry...

[brdgrl]

So, here is how chores and pocket money have been handled in our house. The kids (14 and 16) get two lots of weekly pocket money. The first amount they get more or less "automatically". This is £10 (of which £2 is kept back to pay for his xbox live) for DSS (14) and £10 for DSD (16). Then they each get an additional £10 or £15, which is conditional on them having properly done all their assigned chores. That means a total of £20 for DSS and £25 for DSD, every week. That may seem like a lot (it certainly does to me!) - but they do not get money at all otherwise, and are expected to pay for anything they want from that. We obviously buy their food and essentials, but not any non-essential items: DSD's makeup, gifts for their friends or family, movies, etc, etc. Since the kids were used, at one time, to getting anything and everything they desired from a Very Disney Dad, this actually was a money-saving move!

They have the following chores. They take turns walking the dog (along with DH) in the evenings and on weekend mornings (so, they each do 3, sometimes 4, dog walks per week). We all take turns washing up and making dinner, although Thursdays we get takeaway and I do the cleaning up (so, 1 or 2 times per week, each, of dinner prep and washing up). The dinners that DSS makes generally consist of putting a ready meal in the oven; nothing very difficult! We also all take turns hoovering the kitchen; I or DH do the rest of the hoovering, but only the kitchen gets done every day. So they do that 1-2 times a week. In total, then, they have between

What else? Well, they make their own school lunches. I do all the laundry; they put their own clothes away. I, or DH, do all the other household cleaning, garden work, etc.. They do nothing with DD - have never babysat, changed a diaper, etc...which is fine with me and not an issue. They are not asked to do anything else. They are allowed to keep their rooms basically as messy as they like - occasionally we might tell them they need to clean their bedroom as a condition for having a sleepover; otherwise, I only ask them not to leave dirty dishes or food in their rooms. We do not let them leave things around the house; so every night they are expected to clear away their things from the front room or tv room and put them away.

We have all lived together for just over a year; DH began doing things this way about six months before we all moved in together. and that's how it has worked ever since. It has worked very well for DSD. But DSS has always been a problem. He needs to be reminded a half dozen times, he argues every time, and he does a shit job. Or he doesn't do it at all. Dog walks especially were a misery. He'd not do it for hours, be reminded constantly, with lots of unpleasantness, then he'd take her outside and bring her straight back in, almost, claiming that she 'wouldn't walk'. Once I watched and saw him stand behind the garden wall with her for five minutes, then come back inside.

I did not like the idea of "paying" the kids for chores, as I really believe that kids should do chores, both assigned jobs and 'chipping in' as needed, without pay, simply because they are a part of the family and everyone contributes! But this being a 'step' situation, and the kids being accustomed to having NO responsibilities at ALL, it was a compromise. I intend for things to be different with my DD, but we did the best we could with a bad situation. The house that DH lived in with the kids was absolutely filthy dirty and cluttered and the kids did NOTHING. It was like one of those houses you see on tv documentaries, so a precondition of our living together was that this had to change. And it has; our house is not like a magazine spread, but it is relatively clean and if people (or Social Services) were to stop by, it would be possible to invite them in for a cup of tea! But I work very, very hard at it. I have two teens now and a one-year old; three cats and a dog; a part-time job; and I'm writing my dissertation. (Not long before this, DSS told me I shoudl get off my lazy arse and get a real job so that we could have more money, that he shoudl not have to do any chores as that is my job, and that DD is my "problem" because I am the one who went and had her.)

So that's where we're coming from. Now, the problem. At the beginning of December, I went away to visit my family overseas. DSS stopped doing his chores outright. DH, having had enough, told him the deal was off - DSS would not do chores any more, and he would lose the second whack of pocket money. So now he gets £8 a week, and does fuck all. DH only told me he'd done this after it was done. I am not cross with him about that (mainly, I am choosing not to be cross with him, as I can see why I might be!) - but it would not have been my choice.

The idea DH had was that DSS would realise that he needs more than the £8 a week (for phone credit if nothing else!) and be forced to come back to DH and ask for his chores back. This migt yet happen. But the timing means that DSS got a load of cash from irritating well-meaning relatives for Christmas, and so far he is pretty flush.

Meanwhile, DH picked up all the jobs. Now I am back, and I can either take a share of those jobs, or leave it to DH, but either way, it makes things tougher, becasue if DH is washing up or walking the dog, for instance, he's not available to help with the baby, or do something else that needs doing. So my (and DH's) already streched to the limits schedule (which was a problem, and which allows for very little 'couple time' as it is) has taken another hit.

And frankly, I'm angry. I don't see why DSS should get to sit around playing xbox or facebooking or watching tv whilst everyone else in the family helps out and contributes.

But I don't think we can go back on what DH said to him, either. Suggestions??? Mine range from taking all his electronics away (DH not keen on this one), to only serving food DSS hates, to lying on the floor and crying. Apparently, ass-kickings are out of the question.

For all the difference it makes, DSS genuinely likes me, even loves me, and I him...though it is tough to remember that at the moment. I also know that I would have problems like this even if we were not a step family, but it seems harder as I cannot deal with it the way I would if it were my 'own' kid, plus there is all the baggage from years of Disney parenting.

Sorry that should have said "In total, then, they have somewhere between 6 and 10 jobs per week."

You have my sympathy. My DSS (age 17) doesn't do any chores at all, he's treated like a royal visitor when he's with us, and gets £50 pocket money EOW. DH bought him an iphone recently, on the understanding that DSS would wash the cars when he was with us, but DSS never wants to do it, so DH lets him off. DH often says that DSS is just a normal member of household when he's with us, but if that were the case, then surely he'd do chores? And normal household members don't get room service.

The phrase is "uber-Disney" ........

Firstly I think the amount of chores your dsc's had to do was perfectly reasonable and I was impressed with your arrangements! I have a slight issue with paying kids for chores too as I tend to think they should just help out, but if they need this money as they are responsible for buying a lot of their own stuff then it at least gives you something back!

I agree that it would be difficult to just go back on what your DH has now agreed with his son with no discussion but you could just sit him down and tell him it's not working and that it isn't possible for the rest of you to pick up his chores. Tell him you have tried it but it won't work and he will have to start helping out again.

Alternatively either:
Grit your teeth and wait until his money runs out - which it will. Then re-negotiate.
Sit him down and ask him why he feels that in a houseful of people he should have no responsibilities at all for helping out. Tell him that it is not a very grown-up way to behave but that if he wants to be treated like a small child with no responsibilities then that will have to extend to other areas such as bed-time, time spent on electronic toys, TV etc.

I used to work with teenagers in care with extreme behavioural issues and this was a common theme. The only answer was to be tough - they not only had to do their chores but they had to do them properly and without moaning or it would be no TV etc. This was hard to enforce when you were frequently faced with a violent response but in the end if you stuck to your guns and didn't back down they would just get on with it.

Sorry - meant to add, it does sound as if your DH made a good start with getting them to do chores which is heaps better than a lot of the dads on here so there is hope there!

Thanks!
"uber Disney" - yep, that sounds right! He's a halfway reformed Disney Dad now, but all that "uber" is still fresh in the kids' minds, so in their version of things he has become a cruel and completely fascist brute. ha!

Glasscompletelybroken, good advice. Last night I was feeeling as though we had to do something straight away, but this morning I feel slightly more prepared to grit teet and wait it out. He'll want more money eventually (she says as she checks to see when the next major xbox game release occurs...), and in the meantime we are not going to make it easy on him.

And when he is ready to renegotiate, then we'll move to step two of your advice - act like a child, treated like a child. That sounds perfect to me...he did not have chores when he was 8, so ok, we'll treat you like an 8 year old. And 8 year olds don't get laptops; they go to bed at 8 PM; etc, etc...

As it is, he's getting his mobile taken off him when he comes home tonight, until Monday - this morning he was in a foul mood, slamming things around the kitchen. DH told him to stop, and he slammed the fridge door extra hard, and broke the shelf. As DH said, it makes it a lot easier to be tough on him when he's being such a pain in the ass.

I am totally fine with coming down hard and getting the unpleasant response - I guess I sort of see that as neccessary and even 'normal' in a way. BUt DH gets upset by it all; he just hates the confrontation and takes it all to heart...if DSS says something nasty, I get hurt of course, but mostly I get annoyed and/or laugh it off. DH starts to question himself, even when it is patently ridiculous.

What I find most irritating is his insistence that he should not have to do anything. He says it is our job, that we should do all the housework and wait on him because we are the parents, and that we are letting him down by not being wealthier. His version is that if we just worked harder, he could have the life he is entitled to! shocking and gets right up my nose.

DH often says that DSS is just a normal member of household when he's with us, but if that were the case, then surely he'd do chores? And normal household members don't get room service.
yes, exactly...funny how "normal member of the household" seems to mean something completely different with some stepkids. Don't "normal" kids get disciplined? Have limits? Put up with things they don't enjoy? Sigh.

Yes it's odd that isn't it? I think that for my dsd's real life is on-hold in whichever house they are in as their mum & dad do all the boring real-life stuff when they are with the other parent. I imagine they are quite bemused by my strange efforts at housework!

What they will grow up like I dread to think but as I have already successfully raised 4 very independant and capable additions to the human race I just pat myself on the back and try not to worry too much!

oh. my. god.
he has just told DH that he thinks he ought to have a rise in his pocket money.

might die of hysterics.

Poor you. Please dont give them money for doing chores, they should be doing them anyway as part of your family - do you ask them all for a quid every time you cook dinner!

I just expect my DS 1 and 2 to do what is asked. If they dont help out willingly they get a lecture on shared responsibility. They get heaps of praise from me for doing stuff, however badly. It has got to the point now where they regularly wander in and ask what needs doing.

When my partners son (15) is here too, he also gets asked to muck in and help, i give him jobs to do just like my sons, such as helping clear up and walking the dogs - I have always done this right from the start as it is a rukle in our house and he just gets on with it. He loves walking our dogs, even in the dark, as they are something of a novelty.

He is a great lad, but if he didnt help out I would have a chat with both him and his dad. His dad is a brilliant role model though. No one in my family waits on everyone else.

Thanks, elastamum. That sounds right to me! It's how things were in my family growing up. And it is how I intend to do things with DD (she is only 18 months now, but she has two chores, which she is very dedicated to! She feeds the house cat every day, and she puts her own dirty diapers in the bin. And she doesn't get any pocket money!). She'll get pocket money, and she'll have chores, but I don't intend to link the two.

I really can't wrap my head around DSS. He has no idea how good he has it.

BUT! Good news...it didn't take long at all for him to run out of cash. Silly boy...spent his Christmas money on a new jacket, jeans, and some dvds. And his demand for a pay rise didn't work.

So tonight (already!) - as predicted he has come to DH to talk about getting his chores back. Sooner than we thought! However, he proposes that he should do half as many chores, as they are "too hard" for him as they are.

DH told him that was not going to happen. Then DH said they should both think about it for a day or two, and then we'll talk.

I've already told DH that he can't go back on the rota for at least a week, which means he'll be mostly broke for two more weeks - give him a chance to lie in the bed he's made and hopefully think on...

Also told DH we aren't going through all this again. I think the plan is that DSS is getting a stern talking to, and will be asked exactly how he justifies thinking that he can contribute nothing whilst the rest of us work. Will recieve a boring lecture (delivered by me, and entitled "You Should Realise How Good You Have It, You Could Be Down the Mines: or, Did You Know That the Average Pocket Money for a 14 Year Old in the UK is £4.27?"). Will be informed that we have generously decided to let him do chores again. And that he will never be allowed to excuse himself from the jobs rota again, until such day as he moves out of the family home. Meanwhile, if he misses or shirks, a first offense will be the loss of that week's pocket money, but a second offense will result in the loss of a privilege (e.g., phone), and the third, and so on...

For the dog's sake, we are considering giving him an alternate chore on those days - but only if it is a reasonable and roughly equivalent chore that actually needs doing. I'd love to just give him extra washing up instead...

Good result - although I think cleaning the loo would be a better chore than extra washing up...

ooh, yes! (especially as DSS finds just washing up so offensive to his delicate stomach that he wears rubber gloves...)

[evil laugh]