SS hurt my DD.

[StrugglingStepma]

Namechanged as i don't want to be outed etc.Please don't out me if you recognise me.

The other day, My DD aged 3, told me that 'D'SS, had put his hands around her neck and tried to strangle her. We were just talking and i mentioned that DSS was coming for a few days this week. She got upset and said that DSS had hurt her. I asked what did he do, and she actually mimed putting her hands around her neck and squeezing.

DH was there when she said/showed us this and he was livid, as was i, I mean, she's only three and a half and i din't think she'd have the nouse to lie about something like this. I believe her absolutely, i have to.

So, fast forward to today when we go to pick DSS up. We arranged for my dad to watch our children, so we could have a proper discussion about what happened. I didn't want to go in all guns blazing - even though every inch of me was screaming to - so we sat down with DSS and his mum and said what DD had said.

DSS denied it outright. Of course. I fully expected him to. DH asked him repeatedly where DD would suddenly get an idea like that from, and of course, he didn't know. So, DH then said to him if he later found out there was any truth to it, there would be very strong consequences. And that was it, it was left like that. In fairness, the DSS's mum backed us up completely and said she believed that he had done it.

I just feel so bloody angry though, that he's got away scot free with this and he knows he has. He's almost 13 and nearly sixteen stone, he could hurt her easily - or worse - if he put his mind to it. I'm so livid with him i can barely look at him let alone talk to him. I don't want him here, i don't want him around my children at all. I know thats probably a over reaction, but i'm just so angry - how dare he do that to her? He does have form for hurting my elder son, who's seven - i came upstairs one day and caught him with DS1 in a headlock, and he was punching him - of course when he saw me he sprang off him and out and out denied it, but i know what i saw.

Sad thing is though, she idolises him, follows him round like a little lost puppy and hangs on her every word. Of course, to him, she's invisible - there's only DS2, because he's his 'real' brother

There is absolutely no way whatsoever that i want any of my children to be left alone with him again - DH thinks that's a bit of an overreaction, but i just don't trust him at all. In fact right now, i'd be happy never to see him ever again, but i know that's not the answer to this.

I can't help but wonder if he's reacting to the fact that i'm due a baby next month - perhaps he's jealous? But even so, this is no way to get attention.

I just don't know what to do or say. Am i over reacting? WDYT?

No. No you are not overreacting. The problem is that you have no proof. In your shoes if I could prove it I wouldnt hesitate to protect the kids - especially with a baby turning up - you must be terrified.

It sounds like your dp and his ex get on ok and she backed you up - is there any way they could talk to him about his feelings to try and get to the bottom o f it?

Oh also how realistic is it to supervise his contact with them so no more little "incidents" occur.

It's not hugely realistic, tbh. DH works, and when he's not here ad we have DSS, i obviously have to sometimes do things that means we can't be in the same room all the time.

In fairness, i really don't think he would hurt the new baby or DS2 - as i said, he already dotes on DS2 becuase he see's him as a brother, and i think he'd see the baby the same way.

It's just DS1 and DD i'm worried about - my children from a previous relationship. And it doesn't help that DS1 and DSS have to share a bedroom tbh.

DH did try to talk to him again tonight, but all he got out of him was 'I didn't do anything. She's lying'

I know my DD can be a little terror at times, but i really don't think she's making this up - she's three, and she mimed it so well, iyswim? It makes me feel sick to think that if he can do this to her now, what will he do next time he thinks he can get away with it?

Well unless she has been watching some very bizarre programmes I would be inclined too at that age as well - lying doesnt tend to start till a fair bit older. I am afraid that I would be very inclined to tell his parents that given your current condition you are not prepared to look after him until at least after the baby is born. You are not saying he cannot be in the house, simply that YOU will not be left alone with him and the kids as with this hanging over you it simply is not acceptable to be put in that position.

Is there any way you can switch rooms around a bit when he is there so that he is either with sibling he likes or on his own to keep your other wee ones safe, at least until you can get to the bottom of this?

I feel really bad though - He's DH's son and all i've wanted is for him to reguard this place as his home as well. We'd been getting on so well - we had him for Christmas for the first time ever, and it was lovely, now this.

I really don't want DH to feel like i'm singling DSS out - he thinks it's a non issue now because it can't be proved, but every fibre of my being is telling me i have to protect my baby girl

Theres no option of switchig the rooms around either.

It feels like i've just got to swallow this when alli want to do is shake DSS tbh.

Hopefully one of the guys with teens will be around soon to give you some more useful support - mj really knows about teen boys giving steps a hard time and she is also a great example of turning it around. If you really cannot find a way round it though my advise is that you need to tell your husband that it is HIS responsibility to ensure that all the children are protected and he needs ot find some time to talk to his son about his feelings and behaviour. No arguments, no excuses.

I really feel for you as it really does sound as though you are stuck very much between a rock and a hard place.

Omg that's awful! When I first started reading your post I assumed we were talking about a child who was maybe 6 or 7, but when I read he is nearly 13 well that just makes it shocking!
He isnt just a kid, he is nearly a teenager, nearly the size of an adult and he certainly should know not to behave like that with such a young child.
I really don't know what the answer is though, if he already feels anger and bitterness towards his step siblings then to punish him and exclude him because 'your step sister says...' could just make him worse.
I certainly wouldn't trust him to be around my kids though x

I think that the 13 yr old did exactly that to the 3 year old and I can imagine why you are so angry OP. You also might be a tiny bit over sensitive as you are pregnant.

To be honest I don't think it's any good asking children/teenagers if they did something, because mostly they will deny it. I think it's better to start from the outset "Look xxxxx we are worried about what you did to xxxx recently and we are wondering how it came about that you put your hands round her neck. Were you just joking......this could possibly give him the let out to say that he did do it and was just joking, but you will be one step further because he will know that you know that he did it. The obvious cause I think is jealousy of your children. However I think it's a very worrying situation as he is so big and heavy. I certainly think that he should not be left alone with the children, difficult as that may be.

Can his dad have a talk with him about the whole family and sometimes we feel jealous and that others are getting a fairer share than we are (or something similar) It's great that his mum is on your side. The fact that she is sure he did it, makes me wonder if she has seen him do things like this to other kids, or even her. Does he have a step father - and if so does he get along with him.

I don't think punishment is the way to go though I can well imagine how you would like to beat him to a pulp - it's difficult enough being a step mum without this on top of it all. Maybe you should talk to his mum about whether she has seen this behaviour before.

Take precautions though whatever that means to protect your children.