Advice on ways to detach, how does it look in real life?

[warriorwoman]

Hi
Can I just wish every one a Happy New Year and hope this year is easier than the last!
My marriage is in crisis and I really need some help with detaching. I have tried it over the last 12 years, but I find it very difficult and I realised I don't really know what I am doing. The most common theme in my marriage is for example: DH says his children (17, 22) have either asked for money or hinted they needed some. He has given them money or paid for things for them. Then they come over with expensive clothes on they have bought themselves and designer shoes etc. He moans about it but then he falls back into the trap of handing out money again a little way down the line. This has happened over the years when they have 'dropped' phones, wanting them replaced with the latest one or ordering thing to be paid in instalments and saying they can't afford it anymore. DH just keeps bailing them out.

I get really fed up with it, but don't know how to deal with it in the future. I have tried to not say anything and when he complains about it don't get involved in it and try and get off the subject. As he can afford to pay for things for them and I am not working I often feel it is his money, so if he wants to give it to them that's up to him. But it's what to do or say when he is talking about his children and things they do and don't do and the fact they often don't appreciate him. In my head I am thinking 'well why do you think they are like that?'. Sometimes I say something and it often causes an argument, sometimes I don't say anything and I just am irritated with him, and eventually that causes an argument. I just think; you have spoilt them, not taught them manners and continue to give to them without teaching them any value, and then you wonder why they are spoilt, unappreciative and taking the P. It really sticks in my throat when he gives my daughter a lecture about looking after her things and the value of things and manners etc, but doesn't say things to his children. He complains that they don't know how to do things and he has to do every thing for them, as if someone other than a parent should have come in to show them how to do it. He lacks any responsibility for them. When he does see his part in it, he feels all guilty and starts to feel sorry for them and for not being a 'good enough' parent! And so the cycle continues...

I have talked to him about it endlessly, he knows exactly how I feel. I just need some coping strategies for when he is moaning and I feel like shouting 'Will you just SHUT UP about something you are responsible for and have created and continue to create, but are not doing anything about' How do I detach in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really am struggling.

There is a really good book called Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, that can teach you how to deal with situations like that.
It must be very frustrating for you. I take it his children live with their mum? I think it's quite common for guys to feel guilty for their absence so over compensate with gifts.

When he is complaining about his children he needs to state whether he is asking for advice/input from you or just getting it off his chest. Tell him that if he is asking for your input then he shouldn't complain when he gets it and doesn't like it, but if he is just having a moan you can tell him that you hear what he is saying but don't necessarily want to spend the day listening to a long whinge if he is not prepared to make any changes to help the situation.

Very simplistic I know and hard to put into practice but maybe worth a go?

You see ... if it was "just" him doing the old Disney parenting, and, he can afford it, and, this genrosity wasn't having any impact upon your household, then I agree with Glass's advice .... tell him that you don't want to be a sounding board time after time for a stupid situation he's encouraged .... i.e. either shut up about it and put up with it, or, for heaven's sake, bloody well DO something about it !

However, unless I've misread your post, I would actually find it very difficult to detach in your shoes because MY child was being treated differently. There's no excuse for favouring some children over others and I personally couldn't detach from that aspect of all this because I'd feel I'd be being disloyal to my child IYSWIM ? I bet if either you didn't have kids, or, if he treated them all evenly (even if you felt he was being overindulgent or irresponsible with your child too) that you wouldn't find it so hard. Have you ever asked him why he expects your daughter to comply with standards his kids are exempt from ?

Hi WW
I have learned to detach over time as it has become clear that DH has different rules (i.e. none) for my SD than our DS and our new baby will have. He has so much guilt about his situation that he makes the choices he does with good intentions but he is making a rod for his own back, I think that it will probably dawn on him during the teenage years. I have always found that if my DH finds out something for himself it is more powerful than if I constantly tell him so I have learned to let go. Our DS is too young to notice at the moment but when he is older I will speak up where it affects him (as catsmother says) but otherwise I have had to detach because I know its something that I can't change and I was just upsetting myself getting worked up about it. Also aren't your DH's kids kinda old to be getting such handouts, when I was that age I got a job and bought my own luxuries :-)
I may get flamed here but I think everyone copes with stepparenting differently.

Thanks, I think I may have that book somewhere! Need to find it and read it... Yes, they do live with their Mother. He's in such denial about things and how he is with them. He thinks he is different with them when in fact it is just that he doesn't see them as much, but when they are over they treat him just the same. When I was there age I had a job and my own place etc. I didn't get ANY financial help from my parents from the age of 16.
The thing is he keeps saying he would do the same for all of them, but I wouldn't want him to with my DD as I am trying to teach her how to value things and appreciate things.

I have said it so many times to him about why he expects my DD to comply with different standards, and he just says I am right and that he will try not to, but he doesn't even notice that he is doing it unless I point it out to him, which I have done every time, over the years. And now my daughter does and she doesn't respect him at all, because she says he is a hypocrite, which he is. It's all a mess really and the cause of the majority of our arguments.

His problem is he can't say NO to his children and actually can't say no to my DD either. If I wasn't around he would actually say yes to all of them all the time and they would all treat him like crap and not appreciate anything. It's just that I am there to pick my daughter up on it and tell him I want something else for her i.e. for her not to be spoilt. He is too scared of his children and treats them more like friends.

I think what glass said is very good advice (and some I am going to try to follow myself).

I would refuse to converse with him at all on it after all these years. Perhaps then he will start to realise that the listening ear that he craves isn't there any more he might feel more inclined to actually do something