what to make of this?

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi there

I sometimes post on here as although I am not a sm, my dd has a step family. I would appreciate your advice.

My dd (4.5) recently spent 5 nights with her dad over the new year. I always have her for xmas as my family live far away and he has never contested this. He collected her at 9am on the morning of his contact and I (wrongly) assumed this would roughly be the return time. I called the night before the return time to check and he said that he was planning to bring her home in the evening, effectively making it 6 full days since I had seen her. After drilling down to it, it emerged that he was working and wouldn't actually be there, but that sm was planning to take dd to see friends. I objected to this, but dd has a baby sister there so I suggested 3pm as a compromise. He said he would see what SM said. He then text to say that sm would try to finish at 3pm, but would text me to let me know where and when I could collect her. I wasn't happy and let him know. Ex has a long history of denying me my dd in order to have her looked after by sm. They (rightly) say that dd needs to be with her sister, but I was upset at the lack of compromise. He finally spat his dummy out and instructed me ( yes instructed) to be there at 10am for my dd, but to be clear that he now wanted dd for xmas next year. He also said he would be coming for dd the following day ( as its his usual weekday contact) which means dd will only be here 1 night. I didn't sleep well at all last night, I tend to get very worried by these kinds of interactions.

Fast forward to this morn, and the very worst part for me was how my dd greeted me. SM handed her over and dd didnt kiss me or run to me in the way she usually does. She waited until she was in the car before she hugged me?. She then went on to say a series of things which have really upset me, such as 'sm said that I am missing out on a fun day today because I have to go with you', 'sm said that I only have to spend one night with you and then I get to go home to daddy's. I felt awful, like she was being alienated from me. She warmed up after an hour or so, then was clingy all day, and repeatedly asking what I would say if she lived at daddy's?
DD sounded like a different child, she said daddy told her she 'saw me lots already' and him and sm 'weren't friends' last night because of me.

what would you do? ignore it? bring it up with ex? He is likely to tell me to get lost to be honest. Any words of wisdom here?

Thanks for getting this far.

Ok. I'm going to try and be really gentle here - but I can see this from a mum and a stepmum pov....

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I honestly can't see what your ex or his dw have done wrong.

They seem to be bending over to help you, but it's still not good enough, iykwim. I don't know what to say really. I don't want to hurt your feelings as you're obviously upset

What are the actual contact arrangements?

Totally disagree with the second poster. I would be LIVID if my ex and his gf were filling my dd's head with negative thoughts about me. I would raise it, but calmly and not right now, but when you have some distance from this tense conversation. Good luck.

wow, do you really think they're bending over to help me? I'm shocked...how do you see that in my post? Thats a genuine question, not a snotty response.

Contact is 2 nights pw and 30-40% of hols, ( usually ends up being more tbh)

He took her for longer than his usual time without telling you and pretty much refused to return her till you repeatedly requested it and then with very bad grace, it wasnt even due to the fact the father wanted to spend time with her as he was at work!

Your ex and his wife have further tried to make your dd feel guilty about returning home and are trying to convince her to live with them permenantly!

I'd be in court formalising contact and telling GP/Teachers/CAFCASS they are trying to alienate your child from you.
I'd tell your dd you would be very sad if she went to live with daddy as you love her so much and would miss her but she is always free to see daddy.

Keep a diary of events and change communication regarding your dd to email or something so you have a record, always be polite.

They are behaving shockingly.

Ok can I go through it bit by bit? This may take a while

Firstly - you always have her for Christmas - but you're shocked that he has asked to have her next Christmas. It's his turn, I think.

You didn't check the time to have dd back - you just assumed. Then you 'suggested' a time to have her back, and when they tried to accommodate it, you weren't happy with that either....

Then he let you have her back in the morning, even though she and sm had plans - and you see this as an 'instruction'.

The thing is... you are both dd's parents. Why should it always be YOU that decides everything? It should be compromise and it seems to me that you are unwilling to do that.

The rest of it - I think needs bringing up with ex. But I do think you have a problem with sm for some reason. How long have they been together? Aren't you glad that you have someone that cares for your dd?

She's never going to replace you, you know. Honestly.

Please don't think I'm trying to be a bitch, I'm honestly not, you sound upset. I just think you are being inflexible for the sake of it. Sorry. And again

I can't see how they are bending over to help you either

I wouldn't bring it up with your ex for now, just see how it goes. IF DD seems upset by it next time she stays over then I'd talk to him and say that DD is getting upset going to his because she's worried that she will have to stay there and wont be allowed to come back to her Mummy and that it would be a real shame if she decided she didn't want to go there anymore because of that....

I think if DD mentions living there again I'd ask her why she thinks that and reassure her that she lives in both houses and that isn't going to change until she's a big girl and has her own house. End of.

I think you have to see access/contact as access/contact with her Dad &/or her SM & her (half) sister. I know that's probably really hard for you, but they are a family now and should be able to plan as a family and act as a family and that means having your DD when it's 'their turn' without having to account for who will be home (ie if her Dad is there or not). As long as SM is nice to DD of course.

I think that there was a mis-communication originally (what time DD was due back to you) and this has set off a bit of a domino effect. So from now on, make sure that it's clear from the outset what time she's due back.

I can see that if she likes her SM & her SM likes her that missing out on the day with friends that they had planned might have upset them both. She's probably annoyed with her DH (your ex) for not sorting it out in the first place & then bending to what you wanted, rather than what she wanted.

DD was probably miffed to have the plans for the day changed if she was going to friends and SM might have just said to her that you wanted her back and that it was only for the day then Daddy would be picking her up again.

As her Dad was picking her up today anyway for the day and DD & SM had plans for the day yesterday I would have asked them if they'd rather keep her overnight to be honest (if she was happy). I know you were missing her, but that would have been easier all around wouldn't it.

However - it's one of those things isn't it, you really need to know the people involved to know how/why things were said.

I think you need to:

• clarify more clearly exactly when your ex will return DD to avoid future confusing
• try to relax about whether it's her DD or SM who's looking after her within the time that he has her - it's up to them to decide that and time with her SM and Dsis may be good for her too.
• tackle the more worrying issue that DD appears to be feeling torn between the two of you by not saying anything against her dad when she's with you, and talking urgently to her dad to make sure he and his DW do the same about you.
• say nothing about next Christmas plans for now and hope that he drops his ideas (which sound like they were said in anger) between now and then.

I'm a mum and a step mum and the only thing I absolutely know is that it is a completely ghastly situation for all involved. Even though my dh's ex is astonishingly dreadful, and from our point of view always puts herself before her children, I genuinely really feel for her. To have to let my children go to another 'home' with a step in mother would be unbearable. I didn't have chidren to have to share them with anyone other than dh - in the same home.
But from the step mum point of view, it's sooooo difficult too. It does sound like your dd has been fed a few corkers, or, and highly likely, has overheard them speaking... How old is she?
Anyway, poor you, give her heaps of love and affection. You'll always be her number one. I always think that the child needs to look back as an adult and see that you fought for her and adored her with dignity, rather than acrimonious nonsense.
Australia's always an option!!!?

Thanks to all of you for the responses.

Tryingnottolosemytemper - I have it in writing from him that he is happy with the xmas arrangements to continue. His demand this time was in direct response to being asked to return dd, ie spitting his dummy out.
They also didn't try to accomodate my suggestion of a return time - they said i should wait for a text from sm on where and when I could collect her, leaving me totally in limbo. I shocked that you've spent more time commenting on my percieved problem with sm than the the comments both sm and exp have made to my 4yo dd and how distressed she was by it.

Because I think you're reading stuff into what she said (dd, I mean)

Maybe she was tired.

She's 4. She was probably promised fun stuff because her dad & sm thought they had her all day. They must have thought that or they wouldn't have made plans.

The rest of it I understand. You feel a bit displaced. I get that too. I am a mum, and a stepmum and my ds HAS a stepmum - I really do see it from all sides. I'm sorry your dd was distressed.

He may have been happy for the Christmas arrangements to continue - but maybe he actually wants to have her next Christmas to be with her sister on Christmas day. Would that be alright with you?

mummyingnome, lol @ australia!

Just to clarify guys, I did concede that we should have nailed the drop off time. He really dislikes being challenged though and I should have known it would end up this way. Also, DD is at school in the morn, therefore she needed to come home for that. To those who think I'm unwilling to compromise - it really isnt like that. He asked me a few weeks ago if he could come and collect dd on my weekend to attend a family do - I said no problem. He would NEVER allow this if it was the other way around.
I have very much moved on from my relationship with ex, harbour no feelings about the breakup at all. Its difficult to relay it all in one message but ex is very much of the idea that if dd's bum is on his seat, then nothing else matters, not even if he's not there. my db looked after dd a day in the hols and he brought that up last night in text - demanded to know why she was attending xmas clubs and my db's house when she could have been with him. He wouldn't actually be there to care for dd, but would keep her from her activities to have her bum on his seat.

Alternate christmases would be the best option in this.

Have concrete dates for contact arrangements ie pick up and return days and times. Unless theres an emergency or something that would be best all round.

Structure would probably be best for your dd too as she would know what to expect and be reassured she will return to you and that she will also get to be with daddy on specific days.

Trying - ex and I have never really discussed xmas, other than for him to say he was ok with it as he has a long holiday in the summer with her etc. I think the reason for this is because my parents live miles away and the alternative would be for me to be completely alone at xmas. I was always glad about it, so when he spat it out in a text last night after me insisting he compromise over dd's return...well I guess you can see why I think he has said this in spite.

Yes, I can. I really, really can. I'm not critcising you for any of this.

A lot of this is me projecting I expect. My dsc mother is very inflexible and controlling. Because of that I try really hard not to be like that with my ds and his dad and I split everything 50/50.

Sorry if I've pissed you off, I really didn't mean to.

Anyway, that said, I have always imagined that the xmas situation would change as dd grew, she is still tiny so I never thought it would stay as it is. My point is the manner in which ex communicates with me. Thanks for the input fuzzy

no no, trying - you've not pissed me off at all and I appreciate your input. This is the reason why I come onto steps forum - to get it from all sides. I'm sorry your dsc's ex is controlling. I agree its so hard for all parties involved.