Travel costs for transporting DSD and jobless!

[Spru]

Hi,

Just a quick question: DH will be made redundant soon. DSD lives with us and we take her to and bring her back from visits to her mum during school holidays. It is a 3 hours trip there and 3 hours back.

But now that there is no job, it will be very difficult to pay for the costs of travel without it impacting family life (bills) and other kids. My question is: is it ok to ask DSD's mum to meet us half-way at services? Or should i not even go there!

Sounds reasonable.

It was informally agreed. dsd is too young (7yrs) to travel on public transport.

Half way is more than fair - and frankly if it comes to a choice between food and petrol mum will have to come collect.

Fair to split it I think

Completely fair -if the genders were different no one would suggest that the resident parent (usually Mum) had to do all the travelling and bear the costs.Does the NRP pay child support?

if the situation would be reversed they would all be screaming, make the bastard come and get her!

Completely fair -if this was a woman saying she just lost her job and ex was expecting her to drive child to him she would be told to tell him to do one. You are being MORE then fair.

No, mum doesn't pay child support. I guess i will bite the bullet and put forward the half way suggestion.

Well, as it turns out, DH has told me that he has already spoken to Ex earlier today, and she refuses to travel out of her city! DH is considering putting his foot down because alternatively it means beg borrow or steal!

Very sad for SD that her mum makes no effort to see her. I'm not sure how any feet can be put down when appealing to her sense of fairness/conscience hasn't done any good. In cases like these, contact orders don't work because the NRP can't be forced to see their child if they don't want to, and/or can't/won't spend time/money in doing so. That doesn't help SD obviously ..... I was going to say that maybe the pattern of contact will have to change, i.e. fewer occasions, but for longer, but I already see that contact's during school holidays.

At the end of the day though in your situation quite clearly basic bills have to come first .... I don't see what other choice you have if there's no money left over for contact travel ..... and you have all my sympathy as we've paid ALL travel costs (for a 5 hr round trip each time) for 10 years as DP's ex refuses to help - even though she moved a huge distance away (with all sorts of lies that she'd help ha ha - and no pressing need to move, e.g for housing or job) and it's a huge expense that's had a real impact on our standard of living. If we didn't pay DP wouldn't see his kids but it's a hard pill to swallow when my kids are affected, and if yours will be too (I don't see how they can't be) then you have little choice. Hardly the same thing but it probably goes without saying that you try to facilitate contact as much as poss in other ways ...... email, skype, webcam and so on until circs change. Even then it seems very unfair that you bear all the expense, though obviously the background to your arrangement is unknown (e.g. who moved, why etc).

Why on earth does she pay no child maintenance ?

How about you go to the CSA for child maintenance and then use that money (so extra to your income at the moment) to pay for the transport?

If DSD's mum doens't have any income this won't work though - depends on her situation. What would happen if you said - sorry we can't afford the fuel, you need to collect her if you would like your access? I would offer again the half -way thing and if she flat out refuses then say actually our offer is withdrawn, you can do the entire transporting from now on. Provided you've given her a bit of notice, its fair enough (obviously hoping she still wants contact) Fingers crossed you get a resolution. So sorry to hear about your DH's job.

How did you end up living so far away from each other?

As a general rule I feel it's down to the NRP to do the travelling, but that's not cut and dried and a lot depends on the individual circumstances. It's really not much to expect that she makes a journey like this twice every 6 weeks or so in order to see her dd. Or that child support is paid.

Would the ex pay the petrol? Presumably your DH does have plenty time on his hands if he's now out of work, so it's not actually the driving that's the problem. That would seem more than fair on his part. But, like others, I can't see why you're not already asking from maintanence payments from absent mother.

No, she won't pay. Its like this at christmas where we have to drive up and down to see dsd for the day too. Its all expenses that DH covers.

Then she needs to be put in the same bracket as every other feckless parent who refuses to contribute to the cost of raising a child. Call the CSA and tell her she meets the cost or doesnt get her.

Spru we're similar - kids' mum lives in Ireland (c18 hr round trip by car and ferry) and refuses to come and see DSD and DSS - she says she doesn't see why she should have to do the trip over here as she's their mum. On the same theme, when we asked her recently (via text) why she hadn't called them or written to them since August she replied 'well they haven't called me either! They're kids ffs.

We now refuse to drag 2 kids on that kind of journey - in the past from principle but now it's financial as well tbh - so we've reached stalemate... and she hasn't dragged her sorry arse over to see them since April 2010!

She also doesn't pay any maintenance (we haven't chased it, partly because she's never had a job so there'd be no point, but also because she'd only try and use it as some kind of pay-per-view argument which we just can't be bothered to have.

Just asking about a worst case scenario....what if dsd's mum wants her back because of this? Do i fight (i have no money), or do i give in (that will emotionally kill our family)? I know it sounds extreme, but dsd's mum has asked for her back over smaller things than this - and then forgotten about it but still managed to put our family through hell!

Does your DH have formal residency? How long has DSD been living with you? If it's a well-established set-up and she's at school locally with you I wouldn't have thought her mum would have much chance of overturning it.

No formal residency, DSD been with us since age 3. Just feel upset that this is all happening because of redundancy. If i put my rational head on, it tells me that it won't come to that but if i put my panic-stricken head on then i feel that it could still drag on. But {deep breath}, whatever will be, will be.

Spru I doubt she'd have a leg to stand on if your DSD has been happily settled with you for 4 years and part of the reason you can't afford to drive her is because she doesn't pay any maintenance, and she's not bothered enough to make the jouney herself.

If it makes you feel more confident, you could do what we do and log every phone call/text message/missed visit in a book to build up evidence as to why she is unreliable or unfit to have custody. If it got as far as her actually trying for custody you would be able to give that to a solicitor (legal aid?) and they could build up a good case from there. Even if it doesn't get that far, when my DSC's mum threatens the custody card, we flick through the book and it reminds us how laughable that threat is!