DSD didn't want to go back to Mummy's

[origamirose]

She's 11. We've had her for a week during which she was herself but slightly clingy towards me (not her dad). We didn't have a brilliant disney time, just a normal week at this time of year.
When it was time to leave she burst into tears and said that she didn't want to go back, she wanted to stay with us.
Is this normal? She couldn't articulate why but said that she just liked it here, that she'd got used to it and that she didn't want to go back.
What do we do now?

How is your relationship with mum?

Aww bless her.

Honestly? Unless you have any concerns that she isn't well looked after by her mum - and you don't mention any - I would just take it as a positive sign that she loves you and is comfortable at your house, and has had such a great time that she doesn't want it to end.

Interesting that she clings to you rather than DH - my DSDs have had phases like that, at a similar age IIRC. I think it's because at the start of puberty, secondary school etc, girls really need female role models, and they found me very approachable and willing to be on their level - more so than their mum. Could it be a similar thing with you?

As for what to do about it - well presumably she does have to go back if most of her stuff is there, and school and friends etc? You don't say how near you live.

She will be fine back with mum, but maybe you could suggest more frequent/longer visits? Do you have formal access arrangements?

MJ our relationship with her mum is not good (don't want to get into ex bashing but she is unpleasant to me and about me she refuses to talk to me to the point where I have waited on the doorstep for 20 minutes while the children get ready).

Fuzzpig - I have been slightly concerned about her emotional wellbeing but not majorly. We live very close to them and have an eow one night a week access arrangement.

My worry is that up until now she has been staunchly loyal to her mum (quite rightly) now though she is starting to see things differently - upset that mum didn't phone once while she was with us and didn't reply to v/mail or email also that she was late getting back yesterday.
I'm also worried that she senses that me and DP are getting on each others nerves (nothing serious just the usual occasional irritation that most couples have).
DP thinks that we provide stable family life for her and that she misses that aspect of things when she's at her mums. He also thinks she doesn't really know that so can't articulate it.

Sorry to ramble on.

Lots of children of separated/divorced couples are unhappy at leaving one parent for another. They mind that they cannot see both parents together, or more frequently.

We have always worked it so that the DSSs saw both parents almost every day when they were younger, and even now 48 hours barely ever pass without them seeing both parents. Only in the long summer holidays, and sometimes in the winter, does a week or more pass without them seeing one of their parents.

If you live really close, and she's 11 now, could she start to decide for herself a little more when she sees you and her dad? Eg call round for an hour or so in the evening, or pop by on the way home from school? You'd need to have her mum broadly in agreement about this though, but might help her feel she doesn't have to go long lengths of time apart and miss you both.

Sounds like she's maybe a bit hurt by her mum having so little contact over the time she's been with you. Has she been away or something? Maybe you could help DSD to raise this issue with her mum - tell her that she likes it when she can ring her when she's away maybe?

I guess I'm worried because this is very new behaviour - i have known her dor 2 years and never seen anything like it from her. In fact, before last night I would not have been surprised to hear that she didn't particularly want to come to ours. We are not as much fun as her mum (we really aren't), we live in a small flat, we make her go to bed at 9.15 (or we did last week), she has to share a room at ours etc.
The last week was nothing special and I have been really unsettled by how upset she was. She is a bubbly, enthusiastic, sociable girl. I don't want to make a fuss if this is totally normal but if its not I'd like to see if we can get to the bottom of it. I don't have my own kids but really think it was very odd for her not to want to go back to the place she thinks of as home...

IME they go through stages. Sometimes climnging to one home, sometimes another. Sometimes it's simply that they've settled in one and it seems like a tiring thought to get unsettled again, sometimes it's because there's a bit of friction in the other - maybe she's been given extra chores.

In the life of any children and teenagers there will be at some stage friction at home - for children of seperate parents it's easy to decide to "opt out" of which ever seems less agreeable at that point where as "normal" children just have to get on with it.

I would let her know that if ever she has a real concern about her Mum's house (she can articulate this at 11, she's not a 2 year old) then you will be there but otherwise this kind of performance is not acceptable.

What ever you do don't think for a minute that youre better parents or that it is better for her to be with you. I bet she says the same thing in her other house sometimes and if she gets a rise it will be playing in to her hands and playing you off against the other parent very well. It is negative attention seeking IMO. Although most likely not calculated. Nip it in the bud before it becomes calculated.

Thank-you. Have spoken to DP and agreed not to make a fuss - both of us were slightly concerned that it could be attention seeking/manipulative (in the nicest possible way).
Have decided that when she's over tomorrow we'll casually remind her that if there was ever a problem at either home she could talk to DP/her mum/me and work together to sort it out.
On reflection I think she is:
a. Worried that me and her dad will split up (as her mum and partner did just before Xmas and she was very sad about that)
b. A bit pissed off that her mum was late back and didn't call/reply to emails because they do generally have a close relationship.
Thanks all for the advice. I have no children of my own and despite teaching them everyday this step parenting lark is a minefield of confused emotions!

God isn't it just origami!! Good luck with it all

OK... here's for the update...
DSD told us last night that on Monday she was nervous about going home because she didn't want anyone else to be there...
Apparently last time we dropped her off and "mummy had been out (just before xmas) mummy had met a man who had stayed the night..."
DSD is 11 and at the age where she knows (but may not quite understand) what this means. She is also quite upset that her mum's most recent relationship has broken down - she liked the guy.
Neither DP nor I are surprised as it had taken several phonecalls/doorbell rings/text messages to get the door opened on that specific night.
We (rightly or wrongly) brushed it off a bit - by reassuring her that this time we dropped her off there was nobody there and that mum was really pleased to see her...
Did we do the right thing? DP is furious (really mad) and wants to talk to ex about it but I can't see the upside on that.
Agree? (my view is that it's hopefully a one off and something that the DSDs will forget if we don't make a big deal out of it).

Oh. Glad you've got to the bottom of it. Poor DSD though, losing a sort-of-stepdad. I think it's easy to underestimate how much a breakup can affect DCs even when the one leaving isn't a real parent, and even if they haven't been on the scene for long.

If her mum has brought a guy home so soon after the break up, it must very confusing :(

I think it would be worth bringing up how upset DSD was and exactly why - but wait until DH has calmed down.

Ahh... at least you know now. It's great that she can communicate with you openly - it sets a good footing for the future.

You realise he has no right to raise this with the mother though don't you? I can tell you how I'd react to my ex telling me I can't have a man over if I want to! Although DSd didn't know who the man was it could be a work colleague or a friend who got a bit over amourous over Christmas drinks.

Yes, it's selfish, unkind and insensitive and your DSD should never have witnessed it. None of us would have a man in our bed so soon after a break up if our kids were about. But, assuming there are no concerns about her safety, this is really her mother's business and aside from reassuring DSD and giving her a positive view of relationships when she's with you and your partner... I don't think dictating to the mother will help matters. It'll probably get her back up and sew the seed for bad relations which it seems at the moment like you don't really have.

The classic step parent mantra - pick your battles!

She seems very immature for an 11 year old, "Mummy met a man" have a I missed a back story? If so and she has SEN then maybe your partner is more within his rights to pull his ex up on this.

Either that or my 12 year old DSD is a mutant breed of woman-child and I'm out of sync with what's normal

I don't think its that immature tbh. Is DSD at primary or secondary? They grwo up a lot in the first term at secondary; and maturity at this age is hugely variable. Nevermind that a worried child may put something more babyishly to her parent than when chatting to school friends.

I'd second the advice to do what you can to get your DH to stay out of it. Her ex partner is the last person DSD's mum is likely to want advice from on how to handle her new relationships - and it could even backfire on pressure being put upon DSD not to tell you or her dad things that her mum thinks are personal.

I'd try and get him to let it drop for now, and if it becomes a regular problem, then try to help DSD find ways of telling her mum how she feels and that she's rather not be meeting strange men over the breakfast table.

yes you're right - I assumed secondary but they do change massively between the two.

I agree with you all.
She turned 11 just before Xmas so is still at primary and I think an average just turned 11 y.o. (I also think she told us to test our reaction so I'm glad we didn't give one).
Completely agree that its none of our business but also understand DP's reaction (he thinks that the men that sleep over in his daughter's house is his business). Think I have convinced him to keep his trap shut (by saying that we'd be breaking his DD's trust).

That's exactly right. She needs to know she can tell you anything and that whilst you will protect her if it's really bad - you won't blab and get her in to trouble with her Mum.

The last thing your DH wants is for his DD to carry around secrets in her head about things that happen at her Mums.

Tricky one, but I?m glad the OP agrees it would be unwise to challenge the ex over ?male guests.?

Whether we?re talking about a male friend/colleague who simply used the spare room overnight, or a ?swinging from the chandeliers? night of passion, you have to respect the ex?s right to live her own life, and trust that the choices she makes are not detrimental to the child.

Otherwise you?re on the same dodgy ground as woman who insists on vetting her ex?s new partner before she?s allowed to meet the children.

That said, I can understand why an 11 yr old feels awkward about meeting a strange male over breakfast, although whilst it may be a little embarrassing, is it actually harmful? I used to feel acutely shy around older males (uncles, friends brothers etc etc) at that age, it?s just part of growing up. I agree you should encourage her to speak to her mother about anything that may be bothering her, and make her feel comfortable confiding in you both when she?s with you.

My DP has 4 kids - 3 boys (3,6,9) and 1 daughter (7).
As the only girl, she tells me that mummy tends to pander to the boys as it is easier to please 3 than 1, so she never gets to watch her programmes or play on her computer games.
When she comes here, I have found it easier to bond with her, probably because she is a girl - she comes to ride my pony, I bake with her...
We always get tears at going home time - the boys can't wait to leave, because at present, they ENJOY being babysat my technology, and "miss my games console" but the little girl doesn't want to go back to mummy's...
At what age can she choose to live with us if there are technically so abuse or negelect problems at home? I also would want to separate her from her brothrs, but she seems so unhappy at home...

Lala you are probably best to start your own thread my lovely then people can jump on who have good advice. You might get a little lost this way. But in the mean time - It will be around the age of 11, 12, 13 that your step daughter can make this decision.
Although, if pushed, she probably wont want to. Not that she would choose her Mum, I just think if kids had their way there would be no side taking and a 3 day a week at Dad's is as even as it's going to get I expect.

It's great that you want her and clearly care about her a lot but I'd take what she says with a pinch of salt at this stage and just be there for her rather than worry what the future holds. 7 is very young indeed.

My 5 year old flits between prefering her Dad and I... she often wants to stay where she is regardless of whether she's with me or him. Sometimes kids just don't want the upheaval!

When she gets to 12/13 she'll be a little clearer on where she wants to stay more often. Just make sure she is completley following her own judgement and not being led by either side.

Thank you very much therantingBOM - I'll start a thread if it becomes a bigger issue in the future x