How much does your dh pay for?

[Marne]

I know i will probably get told i ABU (always do on these threads) or told that dh should work more, so will prepare myself for responses.

Dh has 3 children with ex (age 12, 16 and 19), we also have 2 dd's with sn's ane 7 and 5. Dh works part time (between 16 and 20 hrs a week) and works part time from home (own buisness which does not make a lot at the moment), he pays child support for the 2 dc's that are still in education. Ex wife works full time.

At least once a week we get phone calls from at least one of the step dc's asking for money, we often pay for school uniform, shoes, coats and school trips. Money is very tight, both our dd's get dla for their sn's which is money to use for equipment and petrol to get them to verious therapy, at the end of the month theres not much left and we struggle to pay the bills.

DSD has just phoned asking for more money for shoes and trousers, i know we will have to find the money but am i wrong in thinking that enough is enough and her mother should be paying for some of these things? I know they always need things and they are dh's children but we seem to be paying for everything except food (though there has been times were we have helped with this too).

Dh is trying hard to get his small buisness from home up and making money but we are struggling as we have no money to put into it. We have just spent a fortune on the step kids for christmas including a coat that dsd wanted and like most people money is tight.

I know im probably going to get flamed .

Well exactly .... I understood that DLA is only awarded after a thorough assessment, and therefore the fact you have it at all is because the powers that be believe your girls have genuine additional needs. Technically speaking ( - and I mean to choose my words carefully, as the last thing I want to do is cause any offence - ) if the DLA is being spent elsewhere, it could be argued that it isn't really needed. Or, of course, that it is needed (which it obviously is or else you wouldn't get it) but the girls are being deprived - and that's clearly wrong. You and DH have a responsibility to ensure the DLA is spent on the things it's intended for.

If the ex is "jealous" of the DLA and is encouraging the skids to make ever increasing demands on that basis (of you "having more money") she should be ashamed of herself and thank her lucky stars that her children have no such need of an award. Expecting the DLA to pay for days out is quite disgusting in fact. Please remind yourself of this every time you're guilt tripped.

If your DH still has health issues then he can't work more hours. His ex needs to accept that he simply doesn't have the money and DLA is not his income.

Maybe you could persuade him to drop some hours working on his business to accompany you to hospital appointments and try to get him involved when you deal with the school? If his health issues are ongoing and the work is also starting to take a physical toll, there may come a point where he's unable to work anymore. It might be more realistic to start planning for him to stay at home (doing some work on his business then) than wait until it reaches a crisis point. Better to be prepared now, so that if it comes you'll feel able to leave him to look after your DDs' health needs and go back to work yourself.

Ex is not a nice person (have tried not to slag her off), we have had a few issues with her lately due to her working 5am-10pm every day and the youngest being left to cook for the others. But wont say too much about that.
The stress of this has made DH's problems worse. Dh's dream is to have his own buisness and work for himself full time and also for me to work with him, he started the buisness over a year ago but due to health problems and the dd's problems he has struggled to put the hours in. We don't know what the future might hold, dh has several health issues which he does not want his ex to know about, i'm sure she knows about his mental health problems as he tried to take his life when he was with her, but the other heath issues dh wont even go to the gp about as he's worried he will be signed off work, his legs often give way on him (he has had several falls at home) and he is very shaky. I'm trying to get him to go to the GP as its been going on for a long time now but he doesn't want his boss to know he is unwell (as he's worried he will lose his job).

I do try and get him involved more with the dd's but i don't think i could leave him in charge as i dont think he would cope.

Cope physically or from a stress/patience angle or just because he's not done it before?

He needs to go to his GP for the sake of his children if not himself. Work is important, but health is more important, and if his legs are giving way he could end up having a very serious accident at work. He could injure himself or someone else.

Sounds like everyone is struggling - ex too if she's working hours like that. At 16 and 19 are the older two DSC not old enough to start earning a bit of money themselves for the extras in life? Saturday jobs, etc. Would have thought that is where the money for everything apart from food and absolute basics if finances are tight all round.

He has done it before (when dd1 was a baby) but he struggles with dd1 as she can be hard work (so can dd2 but in a different way), i dont think he could do the whole hospital and school thing, i spend a lot of my time in meetings with school and chasing things up for dd2 (statements, make sure she's getting the right support) as well as coping with dd1's problems with anxiety, i just don't think he would be able to do it as it would make his problems worse and he doesn't see how important these things are (to get the dd's what they need to get through each day at school).

Dss (19) has just signed on, he has been trying to get work and trying to pass his driving test but its hard to get work when you can not drive and have no expereance, he does need to try harder though and start helping his mum out at home, Dss2 (15) is a bit of a nightmare, we struggle to get him to school each day (we have to phone him or physicly go over their house and drag him out of bed each morning), again he cant find a weekend job in the village as theres nothing here and he's got no intention of working. Dh is ashamed that the boys have no ambition and are lazy, he has taken dss to work with him a few times to try and get him motivated. Dsd is the opposite and does all the cooking, tries to get the boys out of bed in the morning (phones us if she cant) and is doing great at school, i speek to DSD most days over the internet and she comes over a lot more than the boys but she's the one who keeps asking for i-pods, netbooks etc, i wish i could buy these things for her as i feel sorry for her having to put up with the boys and her mother working all the time, she's had to grow up too fast which seems so unfair.

This is the first job their mother has had for years (sinse before the dsc's were born), i know she must be struggling and she's earning rubbish money for the hours she does.

Maybe if it was his 'job' he'd see the importance of it? It sounds like you're having a shit time of it.

Marne - the picture you have painted is one where you are struggling to keep up with the competing demands of your own household; the needs of your DC's, your DH health (both physical and mental) and the daily routine of interaction with the various professionals involved in your DC's lives.

On top of that, you have chosen to take responsibility for your DH's children when they are not in your home. While I understand your motivation for ensuring that your 15 yr old DSS gets to school, and motivate your adult DSS into work - that is not something that you are able to influence.
Rather than feel sorry for their mother for having to put up with so much, perhaps you should be questioning why your DSC have a sense of entitlement? If his mum is happy for your DSS to lay in bed and miss school, then no amount of dragging him out of bed every morning will change his behaviour; there need to be consequences, which his mum clearly isn't implementing.

When you are struggling yourself, it doesn't make sense to take on the problems of another household as well - if your DSS or his mum expects your DH to chivvy him along and get him to school, then he should begin his day in your household, not his mothers - then you can influence his behaviour through rewards and consequences based on his ability to meet the expectations you have of him.

/\ /\

I agree that the OP has a lot on her plate, but to be fair, the EXW is V working long hours, dad isnt, so he should be doing more to make sure 15 yr old is in school regardless of where he sleeps.

Maybe mum isnt happy for her son to be in bed missing school etc, but if shes at work what exactly is she meant to do? [is 5am-10pm a typo??!]

OPs DH needs to do more with his DCs, by that I mean it shouldnt all be on OPs shoulders.