How much does your dh pay for?

[Marne]

I know i will probably get told i ABU (always do on these threads) or told that dh should work more, so will prepare myself for responses.

Dh has 3 children with ex (age 12, 16 and 19), we also have 2 dd's with sn's ane 7 and 5. Dh works part time (between 16 and 20 hrs a week) and works part time from home (own buisness which does not make a lot at the moment), he pays child support for the 2 dc's that are still in education. Ex wife works full time.

At least once a week we get phone calls from at least one of the step dc's asking for money, we often pay for school uniform, shoes, coats and school trips. Money is very tight, both our dd's get dla for their sn's which is money to use for equipment and petrol to get them to verious therapy, at the end of the month theres not much left and we struggle to pay the bills.

DSD has just phoned asking for more money for shoes and trousers, i know we will have to find the money but am i wrong in thinking that enough is enough and her mother should be paying for some of these things? I know they always need things and they are dh's children but we seem to be paying for everything except food (though there has been times were we have helped with this too).

Dh is trying hard to get his small buisness from home up and making money but we are struggling as we have no money to put into it. We have just spent a fortune on the step kids for christmas including a coat that dsd wanted and like most people money is tight.

I know im probably going to get flamed .

Get off your high horse for a moment MJ and read what I have said properly

I am talking about NRPs who go on to have more children yet dont support their first children. is that the sort of man your DH is? thats not the impression im getting from your post so I am obviously not talking about you or anyone in your situation.

As for what ive said about NRPs that go onto have more DCs and dont support the previous ones and as to whether they should have more, I dont think thats a disgusting thing to say, I think men [or women for that matter] that dont support their children are disgusting truely and to forsake one child for another is disgraceful and a pisstake IMO.

How DARE anyone suggest that we should not have our children, that as step mothers, our hopes and dreams, should be sacrificed on some altar

As long as all the children are provided for theres no reason to sacrifice your hopes and dreams, but I think it would be immensely selfish to have a child if it meant others going without purely to fulfill your dreams.

How about popping over to the SN section and telling the posters there who may be struggling financially or emotionally they shouldnt have more children - no you wouldn't would you - because it would be an absolutely disgusting thing to say - and it's just as disgusting here

I wouldnt 'tell' anyone anything, but its certainly something ive discussed as I have a disabled child and its a relevant issue that has been discussed on the SN board and something that ive thought over many times myself. Its actually a sensible question to ponder. not 'disgusting' at all.

Amber - there are no parents on this forum (SP)- be they step or birth (for want of a better term) who are not contributing to their children.

Regardless of how you want to dress it up - you are insinuating the posters on this board - or perhaps the OP here, should not have gone on to have more children - otherwise what point are you making by posting it in the first place,

No my DH is not a non contributing NRP - that title belongs to his ex - but neither are any of the other DHs or DPs on this thread or this section of the forum.

Maybe you will meet someone else, maybe he won't have children or he may really, really, really want one together.

That is a dilemna that doesn't have it's answer in finances. Speaking only from personal experience - I wanted a baby, time (age wise) was against is, god we couldn't afford it, DHs divorce hadn't come through (it took years), it was absolutely the wrong time in every possible sense.

But we loved each other - so we did, it was so wonderful we had another, the babies bound our family together.

As long as all the children are provided for theres no reason to sacrifice your hopes and dreams, but I think it would be immensely selfish to have a child if it meant others going without purely to fulfill your dreams

And going without what???

All children have less because they have siblings - be that step or birth families. Where do you draw the line at "going without"?

Your children's DLA should not be going to your SDCs and their mother needs to be more realistic about your relative incomes and agree on a reasonable monthly sum, rather than coming to you every week expecting top up payments.

Your DH needs to realise that having 5 children means you don't have the luxury of working part time and trying to build your own business. It doesn't matter if you have five children with one woman or five children with five women - five mouths to feed means you can't afford to be 'working' without getting a £/ph rate.

Regardless of how you want to dress it up - you are insinuating the posters on this board - or perhaps the OP here, should not have gone on to have more children - otherwise what point are you making by posting it in the first place

No im not at all If you go back to my first post, you will see I was responding to something Petal said about first/second families and finances, which was relevant to the OPs post.

Maybe you will meet someone else, maybe he won't have children or he may really, really, really want one together

I do have a partner, he does have children! we dont live together for various reasons, mainly because its easier for everyone but especially the DCs, we both have 3 each and one of mine has SNs, so it works better for us this way. [my house is fairly big but not big enough for 8 people!]

We have discussed having a baby together, he suggested it and I would love to. I totally understand wanting to have a child with the man you love, thats exactly how I feel. the practicalities need going over though from my other DCs point of view. Finance is not an issue for him, he supports his children financially very well and us having a baby wouldnt dent that at all. If he didnt support his children I wouldnt be with him anyway I wouldnt have a child with him.

I've come back to this (having upset myself so much with a film I can't sleep ) to say, I think the relationship between half siblings, the bonds they have and the binding together of a family that can happen - is massively under played.

I know it's not always the case but the concept of "gOing without" doesmt allow for the benefits new babies can bring.

But I do accept those benefIt's are mostly to be found in families where a healthy relationship between the NRP and the dscs exists.

My DCs little sister loves them....they find her annoying but cute at times....just like in a 'normal' family set up!

They were a bit insecure at first which I think is normal.

My brother is actually my half brother, but I dont even think of him like that, hes just my brother.

Its odd - ds1 isn't so fussed on them - but dss and dsd are besotted with the minimes - especially ds2 (older one).

I wonder if part of it is that they enjoy

He could work 40 hrs (paid) a week and work on setting up the business in his spare time. It's actually a pretty good indication that a business will succeed if someone is willing to put the effort in to get it going whilst working full time. Most small businesses fail. If you're committed enough to spend your weekends on it, you're more likely to make a go of it. If you can't motivate yourself to put the work in, it was unlikely to be a success.

Enjoy the "normality" that comes with the minimes.

Ds1 hasn't had to experience hostility between exh and I - pre or post divr

Sorry IPhone keeps moving post!

Pre or post divorce whereas dsd can't even remember her parents together (she was 8/9 at split) because they had been living separate lives for so long.

I'm at the suggestions that the OPs DH should 'get a full time job' in order to ensure that his families are not financially disadvantaged.

Both DP and I have been made redundant in the last 8 months, and our reality is that there are no F/T jobs out there! DP is professionally qualified, but he has received rejection after rejection - there are just not enough jobs yo go round. Part time work is supplementing both our new businesses, which won't make a profit for some time - but it has affected DPs exW finances significantly (DP was on a high salary and the CSA payment reflected that).
Because of lifestyle choices she has made, the DC's are more affected by DPs reduced income at their mums home than here with us

Obviously we did not (could not have) planned on having 2 dd's with autism, there for we never planned on me not working, we also never planned on dh having MH issues. When we had the dd's we were both working full time.

All the dc's are really close, the step children are very close to my dd's and are made to feel equal as much as possible, we have always provided as much as we can for all the children and i feel they all get the same amount from us, obviously we have to pay for everything our dd's need as there is no other person/parent to help with the costs, we pay for alot of the dsc things (more so now sinse the ex split from her partner and money is tighter than ever) but i feel they are starting to ask for everything from us, i am happy to pay for some of the uniform, school trips etc but it takes the piss when they ask for us to pay for a trip out with their mother (when i cant afford to take my dd's to these places) or money towards designer clothes, i-pods etc (which are things we don't buy for ourselfs or the dd's).

... in which case you need to draw a line. It's ridiculous that you're indulging the older kids for things you can't afford for the younger. Remind yourself each time you're asked how you'd treat the kids if they were all living with you .... no way would you be treating some and not others. There's also no harm in telling the older kids that you literally can't afford to buy them what they want if that's true at the time of asking - or similarly, if you think the request unreasonable for any other reason. It's true teenagers are selfish and push their luck but I'm sure they can't be totally oblivious to your changed circumstances and financial difficulties .... at that age (and younger) I was certainly aware my parents were feeling the pinch, and though I can remember thinking it was "unfair" (compared to friends for example) nonetheless I did have enough tact and sensitivity not to ask my parents for stuff they couldn't afford and therefore embarrass them. No-one enjoys seeing their kids "go without" obviously but when things are tight it's inevitable that everyone in the family are affected to an extent. It sounds as if you're already doing all you can and trying to be as helpful as possible so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no .... and FWIW I think it's awful that you're considering using the DLA to meet these demands. Even if a portion of that money appears to be "spare" right now, it really needs to be set aside for the younger kids' benefit and theirs alone ... you never know when you're going to need it.

Totally sympathise with the changed circs you describe .... people having a go about FT work etc must live a (relatively) charmed life if they don't have the imagination to realise that even the best laid plans and all that don't make you immune to unforseen problems and your life can turn upside down very suddenly - never more so than in the last few years. Had DP remained with his ex for example, there'd have been no guarantee that they wouldn't also have faced a reduced income for whatever reason - he might still have developed MH problems, he might have been made redundant or been forced to take a pay cut .... whatever ..... both his ex and his older kids would then have all had to adapt accordingly, and it's the same now with them separating. I read threads like these and you always get someone more or less suggesting a conspiracy against the "1st" family when, for genuine reasons, maintenance and/or additional financial help has to be reduced .... in actual fact, in the vast majority of such cases, it's life which has forced change, and the "2nd" family will also be equally affected ..... though if you're dipping into the DLA and paying for skid treats you can't afford for the younger two, then actually it sounds like you're taking more of a hit. Think both you and DH sound more than responsible but also think you need to give yourselves a bit of a break and consider allocating what money you do have more evenly ..... the older ones don't have a greater entitlement, and certainly not to the DLA in particular ! Remember their mother also has a financial responsibility to them, it's not just down to you.

Excellent post, Catsmother.

Sorry pressed send too soon! What I also wanted to say is that I totally agree that 'first' children shouldn't get elevated status in the household budget; if money is tight ALL children should have a reduced slice of the cake.

Hang on, your DSC are asking their dad (and you) for money to pay for leisure trips with their mum?!?
Is this something you have ever paid for/contributed to?

Sinister- why do you let her claim the CB?

I said that the ex needs to be more realistic about the OP's financial situation and work out a monthly sum rather than coming back for top ups all the time. I find it to be accused of having lived a 'relatively' charmed life.

If you're ill and can't work or made redundant or can only cope with part time work because of health reasons fair enough. If, once you've recovered, you choose to work part time having fathered 5 children that's a totally different scenario. If there are only part time jobs around, get two. It's not about second families vs first, it's about providing (equally) for the five children you've created.

And teens are more expensive than little ones to feed, clothe, entertain etc, so equally doesn't always mean the same amount, just an age appropriate amount on the same scale - if you're getting buy on beans on toast you shouldn't have to pay for your SDCs to have steak, but they do need more beans than a 7 year old to feel full.

I can't argue that teens cost 'more to run' than younger children, but there's no way the OP should have to spend the DLA money to meet their demands. Surely if the OP didn't receive DLA money, then it would have to be a straight "no" - you can't give other people money you haven't got.

I'd get it swapped over ASAP. Though does take a while going off the phone calls at work!

Dh has not recovered from his health issues (they are a ongoing problem) so is struggling with his part time job, he also has physical health issues which are getting worse due to heavy work he has to do in his job, in a perfect world dh would stay at home whilst i work but i don't think he could do all the things i do with the dd's (he has never been to hospital appointments or therapy session with the dd's and doesn't deal with the school either).

Ex knows that the girls get DLA so she knows we have more money (just doesn't seem to realise that its to help with things for the girls to have a slightly easier life).