please tell me its ok to feel like this

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

My DP and I have been living together for 6mths (together 3yrs) he has 2 children SD 13yrs and SS 9yrs, his ex is shall we say difficult psycho and does not allow the children to stay at our house or me to spend any time with them and has a history of with holding contact if things dont go her way, she has also disappeared with them for several months (in her words "just because she can") so for this reason we have so far gone along with it, which was fine when we werent living together as they live 170 miles away so he has them 1 weekend a month, all half term holidays and half of summer holidays, but now we are living together I am finding it increasingly hard that he has to leave our home and stay at his parents with them.

Christmas has broken me, which I realise sounds dramatic but I dont know how else to describe it, he offered her christmas and boxing day up until the 29th when he would collect them and have them until the 2nd, she wasnt happy with this and said she would bring them to him on boxing day and he could take them back on the 29th, then my DP`s mum told him that he couldnt stay at her house on boxing day as she felt he should be with me so he had to tell the ex that unless she agreed to them staying at our house he couldnt have them, needless to say she flipped and said no, so then it was decided he would collect them on the 28th and take them back on the 1st, by this point I had changed plans with friends so many times I had missed out on booking any of the things they had planned (you would think I would have learnt by now not to change plans) and have had the week off of work so have literally been sat at home on my own which has given me too much time to think.

I feel like everyone else has taken control of my life, I can accept - but not like -my DP and ex having some control as its their children at the center of it but I have struggled greatly to be ok with my DP`s mum (who I get on with brilliantly) making the decision that he should be with me on boxing day therefore changing the plans yet again, I was happy with the first plans and the second ones but was and am not happy with the situation that has now left me feeling out of control and very much alone for most of the christmas break.

My DP swears that he is going to put his foot down and insists things will change, I agreed to not do anything until after christmas as didnt want to ruin christmas for the children in any way but right now all I want to do is pack my bags and leave, im fed up of being left for weeks at a time on my own, im fed up changing plans, im fed up of everything being her way and im fed up of my DP letting her get away with it (I know he is in a difficult position), im fed up of feeling resentful and guilty and sad all the time and im fed up of being told "you knew what you were getting into" and im fed up of being fed up

thank you if you got this far, feel free to tell me to stop whining

Thats a ridiculous situation to be in alright. So many people in the wrong.
All of this should have been sorted before Christmas and DP's mother should have kept out of your arrangements.
But its done now...so can you put it behind you learn the lessons and make sure that all arrangements are better sorted in 2012?
Mid-term break will be coming quickly so your DP has to make a stand now with his ex - for his own sake as well as the childrens. It is not good for them to see one parent control the other using them. He also needs to tackle his mother about not getting involved when things are between you and he.
And if he's not prepared to do both of those things...you will have to consider if you want to remain in a relationship where he is being controlled by women who are not you.

Not that anyone should be controlling any adult

To be fair to him he knows things have to change and I do believe him when he says he is going to make sure they do and I agreed to getting christmas out the way first, I have told him that if things havent changed by the time half term comes around he will come back to find me gone because its become intolerable for me and I now feel guilty for giving him an ultimatum

I don't think you should feel guilty - this is an awful situation for you all, but if you can't change it - one option you have is to leave it.

Is there any formal contact agreement in place? If not, perhaps it is something your DP needs to look into, unless you are a risk to the children, his ex should not be dictating that the kids cannot stay at the house if you are there.
The 'you knew what you were getting into' is bullshit - if only we were all so wise!

Oh no I wouldn't feel guilty about the ultimatum at all. The situation needs to change (and he may be well aware of that) but there was not as much need when you were not living together.
And yes of course its ok to feel like this..
Be prepared to stick to your ultimatum though

What an absolute nonsense - in fact more than that, the woman is abusive. This sort of behaviour is incredibly damaging for children and your DP is doing them no favours by pandering to her.

You have control over your own plans, of course, and you can make it a NY resolution to meet up with friends and do lovely things independently of DH and his children. He has no grounds for complaint as he has put you in the position where you have to.

However, if the relationship is to continue you need more specifics than putting feet down. Your DH needs to immediately find a mediation service and book an appointment as soon as they open the doors again post New Year. He needs to join Families Need Fathers and start reading up on the court process and how to put children first - even if that means going to court to get a defined contact order free of her 'conditions'. He can also - immediately - draft a letter to his ex, politely pointing out that children need regular, routine contact and that he feels it is now time for them to have that in their father's home. He needs to suggest mediation as a first step to resolving the issues in an adult, child-centred way.

And finally .

Beamur - Im a nanny so i dont think anyone would consider me a risk to the children, my bosses and charges certainly dont think so . The ex pays no attention to contact arrangements or court orders, in her eyes she is the mother so its up to her . Because she has disappeared with the children before and it tore my DP apart we have just tried to keep the peace but I cant do it anymore and I cant help how It makes me feel he understands how I feel and I know he will do all he can to change it and because of that I feel guilty about how im feeling now, he is home tomorrow so really I should just put up with it for now but for some reason today I just cant do it anymore and have spent the whole day in tears and ignoring his texts which makes me feel childish, I think I just needed to vent some of how I feel as I cant talk to anyone in the rw about it

I hope you don't think I was implying you were!

No Beamur I dont think that at all

Just thought I would let everyone know that the ex has no reason to stop the children having contact with me, im police checked and OFSTED registered and everything her children would probably be safer with me than her

Well, put it this way - no other sane woman would put up wit this so by giving him the ultimatum and therefore a chance to change things, you are doing him a favour.

It seems to me that he wants an easy life and at the moment it's easier to piss you off than his ex or his mother.

I kept my needs quiet for around 2 years then had to eventually make it clear to DH that it wasn't on. I battled with myself because ultimatly - I loved the guy - I didn't want to add yet another nagging voice to his conscienous.

However, it came to a head one Christmas when his DD decided she wanted her Mum and Dad together on Xmas morning just like they used to be and for him to stay over on Xmas eve and stay for Christmas lunch. His ex had agreed it was what their DD wanted (she was 10) and therefore they had to do it.
I burst in to tears (very, very unlike me) it was the Christmas that it was my ex's turn to have my DD (which I was dreading anyway) and I just wasn't going to have myself be alone all Christmas having spent all year being a bloody good girlfriend and step mother so that they could all shack up and play happy families.

That was when I gave my ultimatum. It worked luckily and things really changed from there on in. His ex is still controlling and manipulative (as evidenced in my other threads!) But the difference now is that DH puts our needs as a family (i.e. me, him, his DSD and my DD) first and foremost knowing and trusting that I will always put the childrens needs first too.

Some of the childrens needs will mean I have to come second, and that is just what it means to be a parent or steparent. But what it doesnt mean is that I should be cast aside immediately as the childrens whim demands it, and certainly not his ex wife's whim. (no MIL in the picture)

Good luck with it all. ANd try to leave emotion out of it.

Maybe sit down and say - There were things I really enjoyed about this Christmas but there were things I didn't. I'm sorry that it has come to me giving you an ultimatum but if you and I can't start operating as an equal partnership for the good of the whole family then I've got no choice but to leave. Then walk away. (just for a bit, have a bath and some or something!)

That is pretty much how the conversation we had on boxing day went right down to the use of us not currently working as an equal partnership!

Its also very unlike me to cry so I think the fact that I had to walk away to calm down before we could even start a discussion shocked him into realising how bad things are.

Im so glad you all think its not unreasonable of me to want things to change, Ive spent so long accepting things and keeping how I really feel locked away from everyone that im now struggling to readjust my perspective hence feeling guilty even though im fairly certain I have nothing to feel guilty about

You feel like this after 6 months?
Hun you have no children with this man, Do yourself a favour and walk away now, Seriously

ElenorRigby weve been together 3yrs actually closer to 4 weve been living together for 6mths and the ex has got worse since we moved in together, far more unpredictable and vindictive especially over the last 3mths and we are fully aware that as soon as my DP puts his foot down she is likely to disappear with the children like she did before, over the years we have had problems and always worked together to overcome them so my relationship means to much for me to just walk away, but im struggling with the changes that moving in together have bought and just wanted to express how I felt to people that I hoped would understand how lost and frustrated i feel, and wouldnt judge me for it. I am serious about leaving if it is not resolved (or being resolved) by half term as the current situation is making me, dp, sc and mil unhappy and its time to stop pandering to the ex`s threats which would be easier if they were empty threats but history tells us she is perfectly willing to carry them out

Poor you op that sounds horrible, and you therantingbomb! Got to say I cant help but agree and if it were me I would turn the clock back to before children and run a mile to some uncomplicated guy....to be honest I even consider it now and find myself thinking 'well we only have one dc together....' bad i know. I just cant see how your situation will get any better but the ex will obviously need to accept you having the children in your house now you live together and he's the one who should be insisting on it, even if he needs to go through a solicitor to make sure he doesn't lose out on contact. Sounds like a complete and utter nightmare to me....Christmas seems to bring all these situations to a head doesn't it?

Im good at just ignoring the ex which drives her crazy so on the whole everything is fine, its just the moving out of our home for weeks at a time that is getting to me and I know to anyone on the outside it sounds like he is being too soft but he is absoloutly terrified she will disappear again with the children, I guess i just have to see what the next few weeks bring and i do also sometimes wish id fallen in love with a man without a crazy ex and children

I'm with you - slightly different circumstances. Been with Dh 2 yrs, married for 6 months. He has 4 children from 2 past relationships, I have one. Our arrangement on Christmas day was that he would drive half way between addresses (we live two hours away) to meet both mums so we could have the children from christmas night until the day after boxing day. Got the eldest two no problem. He waited 1/2 hour for the youngest two then text their 'mother' to ask where they were only to be told they were still at home! DH ended up driving all the way to their house with two eldest kids in the car (they had already come from where they were going back to) to pick up the two youngest so he was gone 4 1/2 hours on our first christmas since getting married!
The eldest's Mum is fine, she is on my friends list on fb we get on fine. The mother of his youngest is a pisstaker, very controlling and loves to dictate everyone's lives (even DH eldest kids) DH feels he owes XG something so won't be hard! I think he owes all his kids a happy life!
FWIW eldest SK are here for new year!

We also have a very difficult situation with my DH ex controlling everything in this way. I have struggled with this for 5 years and a few months ago we spent several hundred pounds at the solicitors to try and put a stop to it.

It doesn't work. We wasted our money. She is manipulative and evil and will always get her own way.

She has been told that as DH has parental responsibility the same as she does, she can't control what happens when the dsc are with us and she can't say that DH is not allowed to leave them in my care.

She has got round this by getting the children to ring up to say they want to be with either DH or nanny and not with me. This is abuse in my eyes and the only way to avoid it happening is to back off and let her get on with it. DH - who I love beyond measure - is not going to stand up to her and I know nothing will change.

It upsets me to read your post because you are like I was a couple of years ago; still thinking things could change. Maybe you will be lucky but you don't have to spend long on this forum to see that mostly that doesn't happen.

If you feel that your future is with your DP then it is likley that you are going to have to make all the compromises. I really hope you can work it out because it sounds like you have had the christmas from hell and I hope you don't have to go through it again.

glasscompletelybroken im sorry things are so hard for you, it is horrible being in a situation where you have no control

An update on the last two days:

DP got home about 4pm yesterday after dropping SC off, she had told him that he has to have the children for the whole of half term week because she doesnt have any childcare, he told her that he would have to talk to me as I had mentioned the possibilty of going away that week as im off work and she went ballistic, threatening to stop him seeing them at all, children saw it all .

After a very long and serious discussion (involving lots of tears) between DP and I we have decided to call her bluff so he rang her today and said that he was happy to have the children at our house as we arent going away after all but if she didnt agree to that she will have to sort out childcare herself, she hung up on him and has been sending aggressive texts all day as well as calling my mobile and screaming at me, she has also taken SD mobile so that he cannot talk to the children DP says he has done alot of thinking over the past week and realises that I am unhappy and that he will lose me if he doesnt put his foot down with ex and change things, its going to be a tough few weeks/months but DP says that finally saying no to her has made him feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

I bet it has and well done for calling her bluff it has just shown your DP how completely unreasonable the ex is being and how you are in a no win situation. Even when you agree to not do what you had planned, to stay home and have dp's children for the week....you get abuse and its not good enough. She obviously doesn't like the fact that your DP has moved on and has a partner, I do feel sorry for the kids stuck in the middle of this situation but I think you and DP (if you're not thinking of running in the opposite direction yet) will need to stay firm that she cannot come between you like that, as thats all she's trying to do I think, that and be awkward. Your mil sounds like she ws trying to help all be it unhelpfuly!

Good on you both - your DH offered a very sensible solution and she is attempting to reject as for her's it'a about control. So very sad that she chooses to put the children in the middle.

she is still refusing to allow the sc to talk to dp but he is standing firm so far, I went back to work today and have spent most of the day dodging abusive phonecalls, in the end I calmly told her that if she rang me once more I would be calling the police to have her charged with harrasment then hung up on her, I must have sounded serious as I havent heard a word since

fireflymouse - I have no doubt that mil was trying to be helpful and thought it was for the best, I wouldnt dream of saying anything to her as she is lovely and always sides with me over everything but her making that decision pushed me over the edge, as it turns out for the best as I said a lot of things that I have kept bottled up.

smum99 - I hate how she uses the children as a weapon and puts them in the middle of things that have nothing to do with them they are just children