Would you take a DSC to school one day a fortnight?

[Purpleroses]

Interested in your views here - my ex has our two DCs every other weekend from Friday eve til school on Monday. He casually told me yesterday that he may be about to take a new job which would mean early morning starts so he wouldn't be have them the Sunday night any more. Everyone was happy with the arrangements as they are, and I enjoy my every Sunday evening out (as it's the only night in the week when me and DP are both child-free). I suggested that prehaps his DW (currently on maternity leave with new baby) could take DD to school once a fortnight (DS is old enough to make his own way and would just need waking up) so that things could stay as they are, but apparently no she can't as she has a baby to look after . Feeling particularly cross about this as I was looking after my two alone since DD was 3 months old and seemed to manage...

AIBU? Really I think it is his problem to sort out the childcare for the (small) amount of time that he is comitted to having the DCs. We've both always been flexible to each other to help with work comittments and the relationship's generally been pretty amicable, but I'm feeling bemused as to why he doesn't expect any degree of support whatsoever from his DW, and sees fit to complicate my life and the DCs as a result.

I would definitely have been happy to do it when I was with xh, if dsd had been with us in similar circumstances. I can't see what's so hard about it, especially as he is able to take himself to school.

And I agree with you, your ex should be looking at ways of sorting it out at his end.

Yes I would and yes I have - I would (and have) done it a lot more than that and I didn't stop doing it (until dsd was old enough to bus it) until I had been left sat in car for over an hour on a number of occasions with a screaming baby because contact was cancelled and no one had told dh or I.

DH and I both carry out all aspects of parenting and that includes school runs for all children.

I wouldn't want to do it but I would because in my mind the alternative would be to pay for a childminder to do it rather than expect the other parent to do it. I don't think that contact is just something that should happen unless something crops up. My friends ex thinks she should sort out all his childcare problems from her end despite the fact that they both work FT and he is capable of using the phone to sort out a CM or school club himself.

Well I do every day. My SS is here, I am SAHM, I do it. Before I was SAHM then he went to a breakfast club.

That is shit, the dad should not be cutting contact back just cos of this, but sadly it is the sort of things some NRPs ask as they are not of the mindset that they have to work things around their kids. We have many probs like this, arrangements fiddled with, 'could you just' - it makes my SS feel shit as he knows he is seeing his mum on whatever date - unless something crops up.

If I were you I would say no, say you think it will be really damaging to your son's relationship with his dad and that it would be good for your son to see his dad finding a solution rather than cutting time. Worth a try. Ultimately though as the RP you prob will end up having to pick up the pieces if they really refuse. Assuming its a voluntary agreement?

You're not being unreasonable at all. As his wife she should do it as a favour to him. It goes on the "helping each other out" list.

During contact time the child is his responsibility, if he needs support he needs to look in his own support network, that's wht parents have to do.

Although, if his wife really doesnt want to do it and therefore will make this know to your child, I would probably rather do it myself if I were you than have your child feel unwanted.

I would happily do it but wonder if there are any other issues with his wife. Is she coping with new baby or could she be worrying about returning to work with a new baby and having to do the school run as well. If she is a new mum then it does seem so daunting but you soon get used to it. She could also be like my sister who when she had a baby (and not just a newborn) just couldn't manage to get out of the house before 11am!

I think it's disappointing for you but the dad should have asked for flexibility in his work - maybe he could start the school run up again when settled in work?

I would think he could find a childminder or breakfast club that would take them from 7 - how early is he starting??

I do feel for the new wife, it's hard with a baby (that was me, I was literally terrified of school run with my new born too) but I think the Dad should try to find a way to make it work that doesn't reduce the stay by a whole night OR lead to his wife having to struggle. It's Dad's responsibility!

I agree you should point out to him how damaging it would be to their relationship and the one with their step-mum and new sibling if he refuses to have them for the full weekend anymore.

He could arrange for a pre-booked minicab with vetted driver to collect his dd and drop her at school if no-one else can.

I would be interested to know how early he would be leaving that means he couldn't sort out any alternative.

I think his wife should do it because she is your DC's step mum. We have my DSSs 50% of the time, DP leaves the house to go to work before anyone else is awake, I get up with the kids, take them (and my DSs) to school on the mornings they are with us, and pick them up after school. DP gets home about 2 hours after that. I never considered anything else. The way I see it, they're his children, and part of living with him is living with them, and taking care of them along with my own DSs. She shouldn't be doing it as a "favour", she should be doing it because she's their step mum and they live with her and exH for those nights.

Also agree with you that it is his responsibility to sort out any childcare that's needed for the time that his children are living with him.

I could have written that OP - my exp got a new job and promptly wanted to change all of the arrangements and his dw wont do any pick ups or drop offs at all, even though she is at home. Its all very annoying and very odd.

I stuck to my guns though and now he sometimes makes his parents drive for an hour to do the pick up instead

Its frustrating - I organised my whole working life around the dc and he will without thinking or caring take a job where he cant leave early one day a week.

Thanks all - yes it is very frustrating - I work nearly full time and have only recently turned down a new job (which would have been much better) because the hours weren't flexible enough to manage the other 4 days a week when I have the DCs :(

Smum - the baby is very new and yes I remember myself how daunting it can all be with new baby - wouldn't have chosen this time to try and change things myself, but it's my ex's who's decided that now's the time change job. I've known people too who "can't" get out the house before 11 with a baby, but anyone who's ever had a baby and a nursery/school aged child just does manage it, don't they? It's hardly uncommon.

But I don't think the new baby is really the problem. She's always seen the DCs as nothing to do with her, even though she's married do their dad. I was hoping that might change a little now she's mum to their half brother, but seems not.

chelen - there is a breakfast club open from 7.30, I'm not sure whether that would be early enough or not yet. It might be a possibility, though he'd probably expect me to pay for it. He's too tight to pay for a taxi.

The issue is really whether DCs are my responsibility at all time, or whether for the times we've agreed, they are his responsibility - one one that he shares with his DW. Legally, I think they're mine as we weren't married and nothing's been to court so he doesn't even have PR, but he's always had alternate weekends and a Monday night on the week when he's not had them for the weekend.

Makes me sad as I do more than that for my DP's DCs and we're not even living together yet. Just feels the natural thing to do to help your DP out with the kids when they're around.

Personally, i think it's a difficult one. Yes, it's Dad's responsibility but actually it's not down to his wife. She is not their parent. I understand that she knew he had children when they met and she must accept that but if she doesn't want to have any responsibility for them then that is her prerogative. So many times on these boards step parents are told to keep out of situations as they are not the parent. It works both ways. I dont think the step mother is at fault.

Having said that, I am a step mother and wouldn't have a problem with taking dsd to school (although I couldn't because my own dc are at school and it would be impossible to do both runs as the schools are too far apart). We would, however, work with her mum to try to come to an arrangement. DH would, ultimately, have to be the one to sort out/ pay for childcare if arrangements couldn't be changed as he is responsible for dsd on those days.

I have dsd here now (mum is at the other side of the country for a few days) and DH is at work all day today. She has asked to go to a town 15 miles away to see friends and I will be taking her later. I don't really want to as I would have loved a chilled day with all the kids (we also have 3 together) but it is no different to the fact that my DS has a party to go later and I have to take him there. I'd rather not but I will because it is all part of family life. Being a taxi service is not my favourite part of being a parent but that isn't the kids' fault.

However, I choose to run dsd around. DH doesn't insist and I wouldn't expect him to. It should be my choice and I shouldn't be made to feel bad if I said no. ( I very rarely, if ever, say no, by the way)

Your ex needs to sort out his own responsibilities. It is sad that the step mum doesn't want to be overly involved and she is missing out but, as long as she isn't cruel to the dcs then it is her choice to leave all care to her husband.

*perogative

I would.

but then again your reasons for wanting her to do that monday morning seem a tad selfish.

If she doesn't have a particularly good relationship with your child would they really want to be left alone with her and a new baby?

Does it really make much of a difference to your child (after all it is surely their happiness that is of the only importance) whether they come home at bedtime sunday or go to school from dads monday?

I can kind of understand it from the wife's point of view, it's not really down to her to get your child to school and especially if as yet she hasn't really had that kind of relationship with them. My view however could be tainted by my own experience, - my first DS just two weeks old and had to take DSCs to school for a whole week because exW chose that week to 'not be able to cope with it all'. - a bit different I know. And having said that I wasn't happy about it but I didn't refuse.

I wonder if you could offer to pick up the DCs on the Monday morning, express your understanding that it's hard with a young baby, and ask that when the baby is settled and routines established then the wife could take over the school run, after all it is only every other Monday we're talking about isn't it?

Your reason for wanting that time with just you and your DP without children may not have gone down too well either, just a thought.

To be honest I think you're being a little bit cheeky expecting this woman with a new baby to do the school run because you want a child free evening. Are you going to take on her baby one night a fortnight to reciprocate?

However I do think that maybe you and your ex can sort something our between you, perhaps some other childcare?

I do the school run for dp once a fortnight but he does the school run for my ds as it makes more sense for timings. we don't expect each other to do anything for or respective kids, in reality we both do do things for them but i am quite miffed when his ex expects me to do things for the kids to suit her.

Redhen - There's a world of difference between your ex's baby that you've hardly even seen, and your current husband's children who live with you two nights a week surely?

Yes, it's not up to me to expect her to do it, it's up to my ex to decide how he sorts it out.

Worms Yes I could potentially offer to pick DD up on a Monday to take her to school - it's not on my way to work, but not too long a detour, and it's always nice to see DD when she's been away for the weekend. Probably his ex's DW wouldn't like this either, but it would show willing on my part at least. Might me an idea.

When married to exH I took his 2 to school 2 or 3 days a week and was fine with that. However it is true its his responsibility not hers ultimately. I would point out that it would be a shame for your DD to miss out on an extra evening. However, I have to say I would be annoyed at your reason. Our situation did start to get irritating when various complaints were made by her that DSS 1 was 'worried' about walking by himself (he was 12 at the time and perfectly confident but hated getting out of bed) so therefore he needed a lift rather than walk 15 minutes. Also the one occasion DSS2 didn't eat his packed lunch (which I also did) led to a letter about what should go in his packed lunch! Then the request we drive them to her house every morning so they could walk in with their friends... It all became a little silly.

His wife doing it/not doing it is a red herring here.

Its during his contact time that his work hours may change, so its down to him to sort out child care...or not take the job.

When the OP had a better job offer that didnt fit with her parenting responsibilities she didnt take the job. should she have expected him to then have the children on those days? she obviously didnt, why is this different?

Cutting his contact time just after hes had a new baby is also ill advised regardless of the reason why.

Totally agree with Amber - its up to the father to sort this out so either he gets his partner to do it or he arranges a childminder/breakfast club.

Amberleaf is spot on, and has said exactly what I was about to.

The fact that he doesn't formally have PR is also a red herring. He's their Dad and as such is equally responsible for them. Except he seems to think being responsible for them is something he can opt in and out of to suit.

And like Amberleaf says, regardless of all else that is going on the message that the children will get is that their new sibling came along and their time at their Dad's home was reduced. Have they not even considered that? That to me was the single most important thing when dd came along - that as little as possible changed for dsd because there was no way that I was going to have her feel like she was no longer wanted, not wanted around as much, not as important. She already had to see her little sister have her Dad around all the time, and have a mum and dad that were together.

It really doesn't seem like they are thinking about the impact on the children here .