I'm at a loss

[NotaDisneyMum]

Quick backstory - DSS (8) has been referred for counselling and possible onward referral to CAMHS for stress and anxiety causing physical symptoms of diarrhoea, and involuntary twitches/ticks. His first session is next week while DSS is with us.

DP discovered today that DSS mum has told him that she doesn't agree with the Dr, that seeing a counsellor is unnecessary and that the repeated bouts of diarroeah he suffers are caused by eating too much cake mix

DSS has seen the counsellor before and wants to go again, but won't tell his mum that because he says that she will get cross and shout at him which makes him cry.

So now what can DP do?
Has told

Not sure where those random words at the bottom came from - sorry!

Don't tell her - in circumstances like this do what's best for him - make all appointments and just don't let her know - it's what we did.

Let him see counsellor and then if a referral to CAHMs happens then decide whether to tell her. His dad can consent to medical treatment, take him from school for appointments, ex would need a prohibitive steps order before school could stop it.

I know a cultural of lying is far from ideal - but sometimes - what else can you do?

MJ - its not the lying that bothers us as much as the additional conflict that DSS is experiencing as a result - he knows his mum doesn't want him to go, and is clearly terrified of displeasing her - how much more damage will it do if DP gets treatment for DSS behind his mums back?

I think you would need to raise that with the counsellor - who you would hope is more experienced than you in this sort of issue.

Perhaps DH could spend 10 mins with her or even go to first appointment alone to set the scene.

Dsd was resistant to counselling but did, when she went find it helpful.

It's so hard to know what it right - but I figure the professionals should at least have more ideas than us. Also I think of it this way if he had a "medical" problem, say toothache - you'd take him to dentist whether she wants you to or not, mental health is just as important.

Thanks MJ - you are quite right; when DSD had 60 infected flea bites, DP took her to the GP despite her mums (and her) protests. That probably contributed to her rejection of him, but at least she got the treatment she needed

We have decided to 'bring it out in the open' in our home, too - rather than pretend that everything is fine, we are going to openly acknowledge DSS unhappiness (which he has admitted and wants to address) and deal with it 'as a family' rather than leave him to cope alone

I don't know if your dss is old enough to understand but we told dsd that no matter how hard we tried not to - we all have our own opinions and agendas and we wanted her to go to counselling so she could speak to someone who wasn't me, her mum or dad and had no personal interest.

That the counsellor was there to help dsd and dsd alone and that if she didn't want to - she didn't have to tell anyOne what they discussed.

Hi NADM, it seems like a rock and a hard place - no counselling or counselling against mum's wishes. That is indeed very hard choice. Hopefully the counsellor can advise.

I have had good advice from Young Minds before, you call and speak to a call handler, then sometime in the next week a children's MH specialist calls back for an hour call so you could also get an opinion from them about likely impact of doing it behind mum;s back.

Here in this house we also allow my SS to openly talk about his sad/angry feelings. His mum is not happy with this approach, she tells SS not to think about bad things which is very hard for him.

Must be very rough on you and your DH, you're doing a good thing to keep trying to help. Hope the counselling helps if you decide to go ahead.

chelen - I'd not heard of Young Minds before, thank you - their website looks very informative, and they have a forum, too

I hadn't seen their forum, will have a look. I feel like I am constantly researching something or other relating to my family's issues!