I know this sounds awful but anybody wish OH saw stepkids less?

[missduff]

DP has 2 kids from his previous marriage and I've got 1, we just found out last week that we are expecting our own baby, we're very excited
I love his kids, they're lovely children and he is the most amazing dad.
But I'm worried about how it's going to work when baby comes along. When I had DS I was on my own so I could do as much or as little as I pleased, it was lovely n laid back n quite chilled out. But this time there's going to be 4 kids in the house at times n I'm not sure if i want that every single weekend. He has them overnight 2 nights a week plus sees them 2 other nights a week, i I'm worried he's not got enough time for our baby and my house is small, it's going to be so stressful having 3 kids + baby here every single weekend.
Before I was pregnant I always had the attitude of 'the more the merrier' but right now I just want an easy life.
I feel so bad for feeling like this, I know a lot of it is just my hormones. But I know I will want some time just me, DP and our baby but with his work patterns and the times that he has the kids we will only get 1 Sunday a month just us.
I know I am being totally unreasonable and I can't really discuss it with DP as I know it'll sound like I'm a total bitch, but at the moment I feel like I just want him to myself.
Anybody else felt like this? Any advise other than to pull myself together?

He split with his wife 2&1/2 years ago, it was her decision as she decided she didn't love him anymore and from what he tells me the relationship wasnt great. The children are now 4 & 6.
We've been together for 2 years altho we did split for about 6 months as we both had some issues to sort out and we've been so much stronger since we've been back together.
Things are changing now, they started changing before I got pregnant, the kids now spend time at my house at weekends but it's got to be a gradual process, it wouldn't be fair on them to all of a sudden be saying 'right you stay here now at weekends'. New baby isn't due until August do we do have quite a bit of time to gradually change things for them and we're planning to have a little break somewhere too.
I know in the end things will be just fine, me n DP do have very similar views on parenting and we both want the same things out of life and we both love each other dearly so we'll make things work, it's just a stressful and emotional journey getting there!

It all rather depends on how much your SCs need looking after when they are with you - what percentage of total adult energy do they drain in your household? If your DP wants to play with them all the time and expects you to do all the housework/catering/laundry, YANBU!

You're not being unreasonable to think it, as long as you never say it or start acting in a way that will communicate your thoughts.

Sometimes when I am having the "Where are your best jeans/coat/boots/charger for everything we have bought" conversation with DD (answer: Dad's), I do have the fleeting thought that it would be so much easier if DD's father was one of these feckless idiots who had just buggered off into the ether never to be seen again. However, he's about the best father a kid could want.

Look on the plus side. You have the fun of 4 kids but only 2 of them part time. You'll have big family days and quiet times. I think the trick is adjusting to the positives and not letting the negatives overshadow it. Yes you'll be knackered after the baby, but this will pass and older siblings are a great help.

They are pretty easy kids and DP isn't lazy, I don't imagine he'll have me waiting on them all hand and foot whilst he's sat there with his feet up.
I'm not really worried about the kids being here, it's more the frequency of it, currently when I need a break my mum will have DS on a Saturday night every now and again, just being able to have a relaxing evening and an extra hour in bed helps me immensely but he has his kids every single weekend and whenever his ex wants to get rid of them (which is quite frequently, but that's another story!) the thought of never getting a weekend off is a bit frightening!

I think you could be feeling the same even if all 3+1 DC were your joint offspring, it is hard to find quality time together with so many young ones around. You're in early pregnancy when you feel grotty. And you lived a while just you & your own DC1, so you're a bit set in your ways. I suspect it's a case of lots of small compromises on everyone's part to make things work.

lljkk yes you're right I do feel grotty, tired and my emotions are all over the place at the mo . One minute im really happy and really excited about the future and the next I'm in tears and worrying about anything and everything. And when I'm having one of my emotional moments whilst DP is off having fun with his kids or stood watching his DS playing football with his ex wife then it gets to me, in that moment I just want him with me.

I don't think YABU wanting to see DP more - and at the moment sounds like seeing his DCs is taking him away from you, so bound to make you feel sad and left out. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask for a few weekends a year when his DCs stay at their mum's, or go to some other friend or relative's to give you all a bit of a break and quieter time. Do they have grandparents who would have them for a night or two?

I'm in a similar situation (except not pregnant) - have DCs of my own and DP has his DCs every weekend - planning to move in together next summer. He has recently agreed with his ex that he will have a couple of weekends and one week without them in the coming year, which we will have as quality time together without mine either. Knowing that there is a plan for some time away makes me enjoy the (hectic) family time with all the DCs all the more.

But also think you maybe need to push DP to spend more of his time with his DCs with you as well, ie at your house.

'whilst DP is off having fun with his kids or stood watching his DS playing football with his ex wife then it gets to me, in that moment I just want him with me.'

You can't win if you are in this situation.
You're a shit if you don't do things with your kids, and a shit if you do.

I'd rather have my nails pulled out by the roots than have children with someomne who already have them.
Noone will ever be truly happy.
I don't see why people don't get that.

Moondog as someone who is well down the path of children with someone who has a child with someone else, I totally get what you are saying however with fifty percent of relationships in this country breaking down it is pretty unlikely that noone will do it. We enter these relationships on good faith, planning to be reasonable and having a list of all the "good practise" things we are/are not going to do without - just like we did when we became biological parents (not using cbeebies as a babysitter anyone?) - but after time it becomes apparent that how we feel and what we think are too different things and as our lives change and reality bites it gets very much harder.

OP when I was expecting my second, I had not long become a step and I felt a lot like you - I was far easier before the second one. Also I felt really differently about the second pregnancy to the first. I knew it was just me and my ds first time round so I could spend all day in my pjs, enjoying him and finding our own routine and second time around I knew that couldnt happen, and all ds1 stuff still had to happen with a tiny baby, plus work,dh etc. To be honest I was intimidated as hell about how I was going to do it all and that sounds like how you are feeling. I found once ds2 came along we just got into a rythm. Different to first time round but still ours and it worked out ok. If you find your step kids a bit much for a while, noone says you have to be at every minute of every contact visit - go and enjoy your kids by yourself for a while. It is scary, it is confusing and a lot has to be worked out but you know what - it probably will be on its own. Just take this time for you and your little one and chill as much as you can. Let the chips fall where they lay later on.

FWIW I dislike all this "you chose a man with kids now you need to let him meet the status quo its all your fault" crap. HE chose to get HER pregnant and bring another life into the world so HE needs to pull his finger out and make sure ALL of his children are being treated fairly and his younger babies are NOT being treated like also-rans purely on merit of their birthdates. Shame on those of you who genuinly seem to think that is an acceptable attitude.

I can honestly say in the early days of my relationship with Manshape, i really did think that my life would have been so much easier if he was the type of man that could have just walked away from his child. But that was more to do with the constant shit i was getting from his ex than aything else.

Now though, after about three years the ex and i have come to a sort of understanding. And i'm so glad i never tried to dictatge to Manshape wether he could or couldn't see his son.

We're about to have another baby together, and we're just starting to work out the logistics of DSS being around after the baby's born - DSS lives a 50 mile round trip away and if i have a c-sec then i can't drive and manshape doesn't , so we need to sort out how/when dss will cme here and manshape will see him.

I've absolutely no doubt that in the early days i'll want to be extremely selfish and want manshape here to look after us, but your stepchildren have a right to see their new siblig, just as your own child does.

"you chose a man with kids now you need to let him meet the status quo its all your fault" crap.

Dear God, don't turn it into somne 'woman as victim' issue.
It isn't.
He sounds like a gtood bloke who prioritises his children.
Issue os we all only have so much time and energy and it has to stretch very far in cases like this.

ok can I get this straight
You have one dc

your dp has two dc who come to the house each weekend and two nights in the week

so you have three days per week when your dp's dc are somewhere else

you will only have one sunday per month when it is just you and your dp with your baby

so actually it is your own dc that is there stopping you from having this time alone more than the step dc

so you need to sort out getting your own dc to be away from home more -can you get grandparents or the other parent to have your own dc more to give you time with your do in your own with the baby?

That way if your dc could be away from home at the same time as your step dc you could have three days with just you baby ad dp

'That way if your dc could be away from home at the same time as your step dc you could have three days with just you baby ad dp'

Well that's a surefire route to fuicking up all three kids in no time isn't it Ivy?
Pack 'em off, erase the past and pretend for a night or so that their lives invlove only them and the new baby.

Unbelievable.

well moondog - the op seems to think it is ok for the dp's dc to see less of him but hwta about her dc seeing less of her? Or should it only be the dp's dc that get fucked up and not the op's dc?

I see your point in that case.

FFS I didn't say it's ok for his kids to see less of him, I just said that I'm worried about how things are going to work out and how I'm going to cope with it all. And there are times when I wish things were different, but I haven't and never will ever ever ever tell him I want him to see his kids less, I just want to be more involved during the time that he does have them. I really wish people would actually read posts properly.

Not for one minute would I palm off my DS or his kids on grandparents so we can have a night off to spend time with baby alone, I want them all involved, it's just all so very daunting and scary at the mo.

ffs people upset pregnant lady looking for some kind supportive advice in a tricky situation.
move in with dp op and you will soon be involved in their time and he wont have to go over to the exs.
its fine for you to feel vulnerable and to vent on her, please try not to take the "suck it up brigade " too seriously.

I have moments where I wonder 'what have I done?!' I have two dc 6 and 5 and OH has 2 dc 5 and 4 and we have dd together who is 14 months.They all live with us,his two 24/7 and mine go to their dads a couple of nights a week and on a sunday day. There are times when I get really stressed out and think I really don't want this life,full of kids,especially with all the commentsd that come along with it! But my husband and I knew what we were getting into 3 years ago and considered it worth it to be together. You will get used to it,just make sure you have some couple time just the two of you!

Oh and I don't see anything wrong having some alone time with your baby as a couple,every child should get attention like that.When my 2 go to their dads and OH's 2 go to their nans,we keep the baby home.Its not favouritism its just because she's a baby and is still bf and has never spent a night away. The others don't care,they love going to nannies/daddies.

I totally understand, I have two step kids and two of my own and a m expecting another- mine and his first baby in a few weeks. I felt exactly the same and still want to make sure we have time with our baby but ur feelings will settle down and remember that this is their baby too. You will prob find that he will realise it is too much anyway and cut his days down- does he have them four nights a week? Does that fit in with when you have your son? We have sorted it do that the kids are with us the same and we still get a whole Sunday and a thurs eve to ourselves. Is this something you can do?

I think four nights a week is too much- aren't they spending anytime with their mum?
Good luck and don't listen to the do gooders on here-it is hard but it gets easier

Exactly what I was trying to say - OP how you feel is totally normal and absolutely fine - is there any chance you can move in together? That does seem to be the easiest solution?

Yes he is moving in here, he does live here apart from when he has his kids n then he is at his parents, but that will change over the next few months.
My feelings are all over the place as on one hand I'm saying I want him here all the time including when he has kids n we be one solid unit but on the other hand I'm saying I don't know how I'll cope never having a quiet weekend.
He has them over night every Saturday and alternate Fridays (the Fridays he doesn't have them he is working on the Saturday day). He also has them on a Wednesday evening but not over night and watches DS play football on a tue evening. Personally I don't think it's unreasonable for him n his ex to go alternate weeks but it's not something I've raised yet, maybe see how things pan out.
IMO his ex is a pathetic excuse of a mother and will palm them off on anyone who is willing to have them, which is why DP now has them every Saturday, it used to be Friday one week, Saturday the next, but she refuses to not go out on the piss every Saturday night, he doesn't like the babysitter she uses so he said he'll have them every Saturday and that's been the case for over a year now.
She also has a terrible habit of forgetting to make childcare arrangements during school holidays and expecting him to drop everything at the last minute, she once went on holiday during Easter holidays so had the week off to look after them, she got back on the Saturday and then realised that the kids were actually on holiday for 2 weeks and demanded that he took more time off work for the second week as she couldnt have another week off. But luckily the kids have got one decent parent!

I am feeling much more positive about things today, we've talked about stuff over the past few days n he's eased a lot of my fears.
Also I did realise this morning that there's probably times when my DS drives him mad, 2 year olds aren't easy, but he is amazing with him, if he can be such an amazing step dad to my son then I'm sure I can do the same with his children.

I haven't read all of the responses on this thread so apologies if I'm duplicating anything. I just want to say that I totally understand how you are feeling. I am a stepmum of 10 years, the last 3 years we have all lived together as sadly their mum passed away. We have a 6 year old son together, I have an 11 year old and my husbands children are 18 and 11. When I became pregnant with our son I was horrified with myself for having such awful feelings (my step children are lovely so there was no reason for feeling like it). At the time, they used to come at weekends and hubby spent a lot of time up and down the motorway fetching and carrying them. Step-parenting does throw up some ugly emotions - some that you are very afraid to admit. I've experienced resentment, jealousy, guilt - the whole mix. I've also wished things could be different, envying my friends who had 'proper' families. It's very hard and you have my sympathies. Good for you for speaking out and being honest. People will judge and say 'you knew what you were letting yourself in for' but I don't actually think you do. You are bound to have lots of mixed emotions now that you are pregnant - that is totally natural. For us, having our own baby made our family stronger and we are actually one big happy family now but it's taken a good few years and lots of heartache to get to this point. And our 4th child certainly wasn't left out or less favoured - each child is special and I felt no less excitement having my second son as I did my firstborn. So, please try and relax, everything will slip into place eventually. You are not a horrible person for having the thoughts and feelings you have - many step-parents do but will never ever admit it. Take care and ENJOY your pregnancy xx

You answered your own question at the start. It is something that you keep hidden. You will be a family of 6, not a family of 4 with visitors. You can't possibly expect DH to want to prioritise 2 of his DCs.-think how you would feel if you had 4 DCs and your DH put 2 of them first.