Upset with DP

[emjanedel]

I have posted before about my situation. My DSD refuses to see me as she is scared of me - she won't give an explanation as to why and there is no evidence.

Anyway last time it was in court CAFCASS recommened that some indirect contact between DSD and my DD (her half sister) would be beneficaiall as they don't see each other. So i have made sure that once a month i send a drawing or photo in the post to DSD on DD's behalf (DD is only 20 months). DD has never done anything in retun - i think that it is my DP's responsibility to encourage her to do something but every time he sees her she fobs him off.

Anyway on monday night DP was seeing DSD for tea on tuesday so sat wrapping her expensive christmas presents and had bought an expensive looking card for her. I explanied to him that i had posted DSD a card from DD last week.

Now when he came in on tuesday, he had a gift and a dad card from his daughter. I asked if our DD had had a card and he said "my ex isn't going to do that, is she?". Am i being unreasonable to think that it should be him that at least buys a card for our DD, so that DSD can write "to ... from ..." (DSD is 11). I am very upset that he cannot make the effort for our DD. I hope this makes sense.

Hi emjane- I remember your situation and sympathise with you as it seems like such a tough place to be in.

You are doing your best by being toughtful and sending drawings. Your DH should have made an effort, I agree but it seems he is scared of doing anything that will upset an already very complicated situation for him and his DD.

Not much advice to give apart from not letting it all get to you.

Hi, I also remember your posts from before. I'm sorry to hear this is all such hard work still.

I agree that your DH should be trying to encourage a relationship between the two half sisters, it seems strange that he is not. I imagine he is very scared his older daughter will kick off if he pushes it.

Have you talked to your DH about how he sees this situation progressing - is there likely to be any progress with your DSD?

If I'm honest I don't think my DP would have the inclination to buy a card for her to sign, I think they are more important to women than they are to men, IYKWIM?
You said DSD won't see you but does she see DD at all?
It would be my guess that she is jealous of u and DD playing happy families with her dad and maybe feels left out.
You are obviously making as much effort as u can under the circumstances. It's a tricky situation and maybe she just needs some time to get her head round the situation? Maybe the cards and pictures r making things worse? She'll know that it's u who has sent them and I know I used to get really pee'd off when I'd get a text off my 'dad' but I knew it was really off his girlfriend who I couldn't stand.

How long have you been with DP and has DSD always been like this?

Missduff - DP and i had the discussion months ago with CAFCASS and it was them that recommended that i do the card/letter sending on my DD's behalf ( a sort of look SM can't be that bad as she is doing x,y and z. DP agreed at the time that he would take responsibility to make sure she at least sent our DD cards xmas and birthday cards to build up some kind of relationship.
DP has been upfront with DSD and said that i am doing the sending. Bascially in a isn't she good sending you this and that.

I have been with DP for six years and yes DSD has always been like this. She refuses to see me or our DD.

Yes your dp should have got something from your Dsd if that's what he's agreed to do.

The situation sounds absurd- and I really don't mean that as a criticism of you or your DH. But if your DSD is really resistant to seeing your DD I think I would have to think about leaving it untill they are old enough to build and maintain their own relationship.

I know it is sad, and I do understand as I make an effort like you do so my DC can have a relationship with their Dsis who doesn't live with us. It is not reciprocated here either, my DSD does not even send a Christmas card to her DB and Dsis (and she's 14 so old enough). I don't think it's malicious on her part, she's just not interested in young children and can't be bothered with them.

BUT I do think when she's older she may regret not forming that sibling bond in childhood and I really don't want her to regret it if they are not close.

So...ignore what I said before, you are doing the right thing and should probably continue sending the pictures and cards, then at least you can tell your DD you did everything you could!

Oh, and you're not unreasonable to be upset that he didn't help his DD get a card and present for her Dsis! He should definitely be encouraging this.

I remember your situation and can understand why you feel upset for DD but I also think your DP has probably not seen the importance of it. However try not to feel hurt for your DD, if your DP is considerate in other ways then just put this down to the strong emotions around the situation.

Your DSD is the one who will suffer in the long term - she is missing out on the chance for a lovely relationship but she is still only a child who is being so heavily influenced by her mum. Sadly she will be changed forever by the actions that she and her mum are taking but she wont know that until she is much much older. My DSS was initially encouraged to be hostile to me so I know how it feels but now that he is older I feel nothing but sadness for him. At your DSD's age she should be learning how to have loving relationships and how to express emotions positively. These are essential life skills.

I'm not sure you can change the situation but perhaps you can make a promise to yourself that you will always try to do the right thing for DSD (as you are doing) and focus on building a happy life with your DD and DP.