Ok so how do I detatch?

[RightImDone]

Im done trying. Im good enough to clean and tidy after them, im good enough to feed them, im good enough to give them lifts etc but discipline them, and I get put back in my place (Which seems right at the bottom of the pecking order). So im done trying, it isnt worth the hassle.

So how do I detach, do I just start ignoring them?

I am not a fan of detaching from feelings myself. However I would say that you have to stop doing things for them if you can't discipline and don't get respect.

How old are your SCs?
Who says you can't discipline - the children, your partner?

Ive not been either, thats why ive tried over the last few years, but its grinding me down now.

They are teenagers, and when I do, amongst the attitued from them, I get told off by DH as well.

That sounds really hard and impossible to live with.

The key issue is with your partner rather than the kids - if he is telling you off he isn't treating you like an equal. The kids will never respect you if he doesn't back you up. I wonder if he would be willing to go to counselling or do you think you have explained how you feel and he still isn't listening?

I had some tricky times with my partner, not so much undermining me in that way but making decisions without asking. I said if he did that I would not be available for school pickup etc and he could go back to effectively being a single parent. Luckily he listened - but we did have sessions with a family counsellor a while back that helped us see how the other side felt.

I think some of the more experienced posters will have loads of ideas for you.

Yeah I know my issue is with him mainly, but its me reacting to the skids that then causes the row with DH. I told him that if he has a problem with how im dealing with something then he should deal with me away from the kids, but he just said I was getting too angry and needed to calm down (thats what he was telling me when I was speaking to his DD, but in front of her, which then made her start having a go at me as well - so of course her behaviour was forgotten and it was all about me!)

Why isn't your DH doing more of the cleaning up after them, feeding them etc.

If you're at the bottom of the pecking order, who is at the top.

I'm not sure that I can offer much here - just posting to say that you're not on your own.
We're often told to 'detach, detach, detach' and I think it's good advice when dealing with the DCs mum but it's really hard to do with the DCs. I'm not sure that detaching from the children is the right thing to do but I can completely understand why you might want to.
The pecking order is one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with someone who has children. In my experience the children are at the top (and they should be) BUT because of that their mum is often ahead of me (which she shouldn't be).
Your post is asking about discipline - the DCs will find it hard to accept disciplining from you if your DP undermines it. I have tried to get round this by asking the DCs to question their behaviour in a positive manner e.g. I know that you're a kind a loving girl, what you just did was out of character, why did you do it? (it generally works for me - I'm a teacher and I often manage individual behaviour that way - it's hard work though and takes practice (so's not to be condescending) and patience)
Hope taht helps a bit

Actually - reading back I'm not sure that the children should be at the top...but the should come first...