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Step-parenting

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Original poster

grandfather not recognising DD

11 replies

brdgrl · 22/12/2011 08:40

I have mentioned this on here before, but this time I would like to ask your advice, please!

My family consists of myself, DH, DSD, DSS, and (shared) DD. DD is 18 months old.

My father-in-law has never been particularly welcoming towards me. I think the main reason has to do with his own wife's friendship with DH's first wife (deceased) - but I really don't know. We have actually only met three times, as we live quite far away (flight required). The third occasion was my wedding to DH, where FIL said some shockingly inappropriate things. FIL has met DD once, and seemed happy enough about her birth. (I had DD before DH and I married, but I know this was not an issue to FIL and there is precedent for it in the family!)

FIL gives DSS and DSD presents (a not-insignficant amount of cash) at their birthdays and Christmas. He did not send a card or gift at DD's first Christmas or birthday. I actually didn't register it last Christmas, probably because I was not there when the cards/cash arrived for DSS and DSD. At her birthday, I did notice and was hurt by the omission, but DH and I said nothing and I think we both tried to make some excuses for it. Now it is Christmas again, and the cards and gifts have arrived, and again no mention of DD.

Is there any point in saying anything? FIL is an elderly man, after all.

I don't care about the money (a card would be fine!) - and I don't feel that he is obliged to give gifts at all. But I think it is quite mean-spirited to treat the children differently, and frankly I am hurt and confused by it. I certainly don't want DD to be aware of it: at the moment, she is too young of course. DSS and DSD are great admirers of their grandfather (I chose that verb carefully - he is a bit distant with them I think and it is not a relationship of great affection, perhaps, but they think he is a person of some stature based on his work) and have not noticed that he basically ignores DD. DH is upset and says he feels "ashamed" of his dad over this. But we both wonder if it is better to just ignore it and chalk it up to the strangeness of age and a bit of infirmity.

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DorisIsMerryOnChristmasSprits · 22/12/2011 09:15

How old are your eldest children?

The alternative is for your DH to discuss with his father the reason for the outright snub, You would need to have some kind of idea as to what you anticipate as a resolution . Personally I would be saying "all or nothing". The children live together and are a family ( without the separation of sshared residence etcseen in other step families). He needs to know it is odd and devisive and not helpdful to your family unit.

If you DH won't approach I wonder if they would be ameniable to sharing the money with their sister. Following a chat about how she has been overlooked and how that isn't fair. Not wanting to upset GF etc.

Personally I would go for option 1 unless there are extenuating circumstances.

DorisIsMerryOnChristmasSprits · 22/12/2011 09:16

Sorry I did a cut and paste job on my post but you get the gist...

HappyCamel · 22/12/2011 09:22

I think your DH needs to ask his dad directly why he is treating the children differently. Ideally face to face but, given the distance, it may have to be by phone. He should phrase that he's confused and sad that his children arent treated equally rather than angry.

My FIL doesn't give gifts until "children are old enough to say thank you" so DD gets nothing this year but her cousins will. At least we know why.

chelen · 22/12/2011 09:28

Hi, I think your DH is going to have to return gifts if not sent to everyone equally. I don't have much time left for tip-toeing around issues - I have similar problems with my own mum so I feel your pain.

My mum is infuriating as she prioritises my SS over my bio son (out of pity for being from a broken home I guess!) - so my SS gets three sets of grand parental presents and my son gets one! Families hey?!

Basically we have issued a blanket decree it's either equal or not. My mum still tries it on but we call her on it every time now.

Sorry it's happening, it's very stressful and totally unnecessary.

Original poster

brdgrl · 22/12/2011 09:35

Thanks, doris.
The older kids are 14 and 16, so there is quite a gap.
The first option sounds right to me - all or nothing. If it were my own dad, I think that I'd say "I'd rather you didn't send money for the older kids anymore; we feel that it sends the wrong message when the kids are treated differently by the rest of the family." (or I'd just lose my temper and tell him he was being an ass - but I can be more direct with my dad than DH can with his!)

I know that DH will say something to his dad if I ask him to, but I also think he is hoping I won't ask him to! Like I said, his dad is a bit distant and my DH spent a lot of his life hoping for his dad's approval. He's past that now and I think has found a relationship with his dad that works for them. So partly, I know DH just does not want to jeopardise that. Also, my FIL is in his eighties and my DH is realising that he may not have many years left to improve things with his dad. DH hates confrontations. So I guess really it is up to me to decide if it is worth pushing DH to deal with it, or if I just take the view that at least FIL lives far away, and it is his loss anyway if he doesn't want to see how brilliant DD is!

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Original poster

brdgrl · 22/12/2011 09:40

sorry, cross-posted with you, chelen and happycamel - thanks.

happycamel, i suppose FIL could have the same idea - that she's not old enough to say thanks. Like you say - it would be good to at least know what his reasons are, even if he doesn't change! (Ha, would be very surprised if DSS and DSD remembered to say thanks themselves!)

chelen i like the idea of returning the gifts, but I know DH won't go for that, as he'd see it as punishing the older kids. i am starting to feel more and more like we need to tell FIL that it is all or nothing, though! I'm sorry its happened to you, too -but good for you guys for putting your feet down!

OP posts:

EverybodyKnows · 22/12/2011 09:46

My MIL tried this in the early days of mine and DH's Marriage. DH told her quick enough that all children should be treated equally.

I think Chelen's idea is the best way forward. He will know where you stand in regards to your children and that they must be treated equally.

puzzlesum · 22/12/2011 10:18

It's nowhere near on the same scale, but my MIL has very occasionally made comments about my DH's niece being my ds' 'only real cousin' - I suspect on the grounds that my brother's children are adopted, my half-sister hasn't had kids yet (thank god) and all his other 12 cousins on my side are the children of my step-siblings, so genetically none of them are related to him - like that matters!

But your FIL doesn't even have that excuse, all three are his genetic grandchildren, and he is related to them all in the same way? If your DD were perhaps your own from a previous relationship, so a step-grandchild for your FIL it would still be hurtful to treat her differently but that isn't the case here.

Your DH needs to say something to his father. Your DD will notice when she's older and she will be upset. My own dad quite often forgets at least one of my bro's children's birthdays through the year and my bro has had to ask him not to send presents to any of them if he can't remember to send them to all of them. The monetary value is completely irrelevant, but it should be fair.

Original poster

brdgrl · 22/12/2011 21:13

Thanks. I guess I have been minimizing the whole thing, not wanting to 'be difficult'. We have all these other 'blended family' issues already, and DH has been trying so hard to change his approach with the kids, being more of a parent and setting limits and so on...I hate to "ask" him for anything else! I know that it doesn't make sense, and after reading these responses I am realising that DH really does need to say something to FIL.

But I just dread having more problems with his family, and I hate the feeling that I am always complaining to DH about something. This really sucks.

OP posts:

MJinSparklyStockings · 22/12/2011 21:20

Tbh I'd leave it if he is elderly - there is just no point, I know it's difficult I'll pm you in a sec, but honestly at their age there is no point.

JollyBear · 22/12/2011 21:24

That is odd. Is he strange generally? My nanna is a fussy odd woman, falling out with most of her siblings, taking umbridge at the strangest things (birds on a card are unlucky apparently!). When my younger brother was born she left him out of things like collecting 50ps for our 'pocket money', she was quite distant and even excluded him from her will. Her reasoning? DB wasn't born when her husband was alive. Suddenly after many years she started to accept him. All very odd and I can't imagine what she was thinking!

I think it is up to your DH to mention it to your FIL. Were the cards seperate? Could he ask with concern in case DD's was lost in the post?

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