We've moved in with DP - and DS is freaking out

[LoveAndSqualor]

Just wondering if anyone has any wise thoughts on the subject. DS is 3.9 - he's known DP all of his life, pretty much (I split up with exP when DS was 5mo), and has always got along famously with him. But DP moved into our flat about six weeks ago, and we all moved into a house together just over a week ago. Since DP moved in, and particularly since we moved into our own place, DS has basically wanted nothing to do with him. Lots of crying for me, shouts of "I don't want you!", refusing to speak to him and so forth.

This is all made rather more complex by the fact that DP has a DD (7) who is (mildly) on the ASD spectrum. Up until now, DP has been going back to his old house on the nights/weekends he has her, while his exP goes to stay with her family (keeping up? ). The idea of course was that she would now come stay with us - but she too is completely freaking out about the whole thing - hates the idea of DP being in a different house, doesn't want to live in a different house herself and so on. She really didn't want to come over this weekend, and DP (I think rightly) thought it would be counterproductive to force her. Unfortunately, though, as well as my missing her and wishing very much that she were here with us, and that DP wasn't back at his old "family" home (this is my issue, so massively unimportant in the grand scheme) this seems to have had the effect of compounding the problem with my DS, given that he had what I imagine was in his mind the perfect weekend - ie pure, unadulterated me

Just not sure how to proceed really. DP's more chilled about it than I am and says it'll just take time. Obviously, I can't really do much about DP's DD (I took lots of pics of the house and mailed them to him so he could show them to her, which seems to have helped a little - she said she liked them, which is great), and just need to trust that she'll come round with time (though any thoughts HUGELY appreciated). But if anyone can advise as to what I should do with DS I'd be very grateful! I thought he'd be fine with it as DP has always been such a presence in his life, but he's clearly not. I've tried talking to him but he's not quite old enough for rational discourse, alas. Not sure whether to come down on him a bit (in a "we're nice and polite to people in our house" kind of way) or back right off. What say all of you??

ps wow - longer than I thought - sorry!

I think your DP (who sounds lovely) is right, it'll pass. In the meantime I wouldn't make it a big deal and try to ensure that your ds has lots of time with you but without excluding your dp entirely. So that he knows he will always have you, but that DP will always be there too.

Hey NotMostPeople - thanks. He is, indeed, rather lovely . I'm sure you're right - backing off is the best way to go. Doesn't come easily to me - I think I push things to a fault a lot of the time, and try to "solve" things that'll come right on their own if left. I just want everyone to be happy, ultimately - hate seeing DS upset, don't like the thought of DP feeling rejected (especially when stuff is so tough with his DD, and I know how much that's hurting him). Oof. Tricky times! Lots of deep breaths and on we go ...

I know this is a completely different situation, but I lived with a friend and her child (5-6yo) for a while. In the leadup to us all moving in together I spent lots of time 1-1 with child, picked up from school etc so they got used to me.

First two months - exactly the same behavior as you are describing now! Lots of tantrums, "I don't want you to live here / I want to go back to my old house and NOT YOU!" etc etc.

After that, we all settled down fine and lived together very, very happily for over a year. When I eventually moved away my friend's child said for ages after "I think it was better when we had Grumpla here as well!" so that was the same thing in reverse I suppose.

Moving house AND dealing with another adult in your home at the same time is a lot to deal with for anyone. Similarly your DP's DD has to get used to the idea that "Dad's house" has not only changed but also has new people in it.

Can you try and focus on positive stuff? We used to make a big deal of doing big roasty dinners on Sunday together (which neither of us would have bothered to cook as a single woman and a lone parent!) and that really helped, to have a new "routine". Sounds as though something similar might also be useful for your DP's DD if she knows what to expect when she visits?

Good luck

Hey Grumpla, thanks loads for thoughts. With DS, we've done pretty similar - DP has taken him to nursery, looked after him when I'm not there and so on. Confess it's kind of a relief to hear you had tantrums too! I'd optimistically imagined that while things would be trickier with DP's DD (as she knows me far less well, is that bit older and, because of the ASD, is just less relaxed about change) that at least DS wouldn't find it discombobulating. Had focused all of my mental energies on how to make things easy/nice for DP's DD and now feel a little blindsided by recalcitrant DS!

As you say though, it's a lot to deal with, for them, and for us too. Think part of the problem is that I need to relax about it and stop trying to hurry it along so much (ah, easier said than done ). New "routine" is a good idea - something we all do together would help. We really need to wait until DP's DD is comfortable about coming over to do that, as currently, we have them on the same weekend. But as soon as she is, we can institute so weekend fun. Again, part of the problem is that I'm so looking forward to this that I want to just skip ahead to the part where we all get to hang out together . But DP and I have had much longer to get used to that idea than either of them have, so I guess we just need to wait for them to catch up.

Can I ask, when her DD said "I don't want YOU" - how did you friend react? Tell her off or ignore? I normally come down pretty hard on DS if he's that rude to another adult (and he never has been, really, before this), but not sure if that's right in this situation ...

bumping for the evening crowd, in case others have words of wisdom ...

Hello again

It is a fair few years ago now but I think in the end (after a few weeks of getting upset / my friend telling them off) I started a new tactic whereby I basically used to say "That's a shame, SmallChild, because I really like living with you and I was wondering if you wanted to play football / help me do some cooking / get your paints out / go to the park."

Eg acknowledging what they were saying but moving on without big upset reaction and steering them onto something more positive.

Don't actually know if it worked or of it was just the extra time that was needed mind...