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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Christmas presents for your DH/DP from his children... who buys them?

14 replies

origamirose · 18/12/2011 16:28

For reasons too complicated to go into here, my DP will be spending xmas day with his ex and their DCs. DP and I made this decision jointly as we believed that if we did not go along with his exes wishes then the children would suffer the consequences.

Just before drop off this afternoon his DC said to me "oh, by the way, mummy said to tell you that now you're living with daddy you have to buy him a xmas present from us"

Is this normal or AIBU to have assumed that it is not my responsibility?

(FWIW for the past 2 xmas' DP's DCs and I have made a desk calendar of photos for him - but have never bought a gift for him from them)

OP posts:

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 18/12/2011 16:31

I think that is normal

You'd be freaked out if his ex bought him a present wouldn't you!?

Poor kids, i hopeyou nodded and said it's fine

Original poster

origamirose · 18/12/2011 16:38

It is? Even though I won't be there when the gift is given and it is from his children? Every other year (there have been 5) their mum gets a gift for daddy from the children (nothing significant, a couple of books, a mug, a pair of socks - that sort of thing). My DP buys her something from the children every year - they tell us what she wants and we get it. I don't feel weird about that at all.

I agree, poor kids, and to reassure you... when the message was delivered both DCs and I had a chat about what we could get for daddy and I've agreed to go out and buy it in time for when we next see them so that they can wrap it, write the card and take it round to mummy's ready to be opened on xmas morning.

OP posts:

theredhen · 18/12/2011 16:42

I always help ds to buy a present for his dad, my ex. I think its teaching him about doing the right thing and about respect.

dp ex would never encourage her children to be respectful or thoughtful towards their father so I'm left to do the job and having come into their lives later I'm astounded at their lack of thoughtfulness compared to my ds. :(

theredhen · 18/12/2011 16:44

Origami, there is no right and no wrong and I think if the ex has always done it she should at least have had the manners to ask you.

Ateallthepurpleones · 18/12/2011 16:45

I always bought or helped dsd buy the presents she gave to her Dad. In fact I'm still doing it, although I'm no longer with him.

I think it probably depends on how the mum feels about it. I'd imagine some would still feel it's their role to get something, others would feel it's the new partner's role.

For me, the important thing would be that dd and dsd got to give their Dad a gift, it wouldn't bother me if it were me or his (hypothetical) girlfriend.

Original poster

origamirose · 18/12/2011 16:57

Interesting... I may well be wrong on this one - there's always a first time

I guess I'm surprised because:

I'm not a new partner - this is our 5th xmas together and it's the 3rd xmas that I have known the DCs (the 2nd where I've known them very well)
I don't think that children should be used to deliver any messages from one adult to the other
my DP will be spending the whole day at their mum's house without me and yet I am expected to provide the present from the DCs to him

OP posts:

flixy102 · 18/12/2011 17:06

Not sure if there is a right or wrong answer to this but in our house, since I moved in with my DH (4 years ago), I've taken responsibility for his Christmas/birthday/fathers day presents from his DD. Not really sure how we fell into that arrangement but it seems to work.
I would definately be peeved if I had been told by his ex that I now had to take over responsibility for that area.

lateatwork · 18/12/2011 17:21

origamirose- i am with you on this.

Ateallthepurpleones · 18/12/2011 18:10

I agree, it shouldn't be done through the children and it's a damn cheek to tell you, especially as it sounds like the goalposts are different this year!

Dee03 · 18/12/2011 18:33

I buy my xp a present from our ds (around £5) and he takes it with him on boxing day and gives it to his dad.. He then comes home with a gift for me that xp has brought for him to give me.... It's just the way we've always done it!

chelen · 18/12/2011 19:04

Hi, SS lives with us, either I or my DP help him get something for mum. Then I help him get something for his dad. His dad helps him get something for me. All are a fiver or under.

ChocHobNob · 19/12/2011 12:06

If I were with H and the children when he was opening the present(s), I would buy them. If they want a present to give to him when at their mother's then I would expect her to sort it out.

Agreed, her expectations shouldn't be passed through the children and she should have asked what was happening, not told you to buy something.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/12/2011 17:26

Seems a bit cheeky, they're not your children. You're not helping them buy a gift for their dad, your ex. I think it should be their mother's responsibility.

LovingChristmas · 21/12/2011 18:48

My DSS goes out with his mum to get his dad something and we take him to get his mum something, the value has gradually crept up (used to be chocs or a teddy) but she has a pandora bracelet so DSS normally picks a charm, to be fair DSS mum recognises that her present has gone up and also get DH something fab! (this year it was a Groupon for a day of dirt buggies at £30 each, so she's got one for her ex and one for her DS so they can have a fab day together), sorry I digress, anyway, same on birthdays and mothers/fathers day :0)

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