DSS keeps taking what isn't his

[Needittostop]

I have name changed as this will out me to those who know me.

My SS is 15, nearly 16. For the last 6 months or so he has been taking things that are not his. It seems that if he wants something, no matter what it is or who's it is, he just takes it. When you find out and ask him why, he just says "I dont know"

The things he has taken have been christmas chocolate (which he took out of the top of my cupboard, and when pressed as to why, he said he thought it was a free for all (which is a lie as he took it from the back so it wasnt noticed). Food out of the cupboard (which has then just gone moldy in his room) - no reason for this given. Money that is left lying around, but as he denys it and we have no proof, nothing we can do. My DH bought himself a new pair of trainers, which he took a liking to, and then just took them (wore them, stretched them and ruined them) A sim card went missing with alot of credit on it (over £150) which again we had no proof of, but we are 99% sure it was him. And the most recent was he took his DMs bank card, and helped himself to £20 out of her bank. He denied it was him, until his DM threatened to call the police, to get the CCTV footage of whoever did take it - he took this as apparently his DM didnt give him any lunch money, and he didnt want to starve.

What can we do about this, he is currently grounded, and has no phone etc but really need a way to stop him doing this. Any ideas?

I have two thoughts, quite contradictory.

Firstly as a teen I was quite prone to pinching stuff from my parents. I am a very honest person these days (to the extent we returned to a supermarket the other day to pay for something we realised had not appeared on the receipt. Suckers!). So I wouldn't immediately assume he;s on a one-way track to the clink.

However, as parent I would hate this. Really hate it. Do you have 'stuff you can help yourself too' as well as things put away? I would set some new house rules with clear no go areas. Then if he steps out of line you can legitimately be like a ton of bricks. If he wants money perhaps he needs a good way to earn it? i would say with things like the trainers he should have to replace them out of his own money.

Is his mum is willing to be consistent if he's pinched money from her?

I'm sorry, it must be very stressful for you.

I think he is after some type attention. I am not suggesting you do not give him any but obviously he is after a reaction. Is he jealous of your relationship with his father? You seem pretty level headed and are concerned enough to want to sort this out sensibly. I can only think that continuing the way you are going with rules/consequences will work, however guess its a long term project. Have you asked for any counselling for him? Is there anything going on elsewhere, school? mums? It may be worth asking school or dh ex? I also hate to add he is a teenager and some of this behaviour is sadly par for the course.

Thanks for your replies. Most things in the house he can help himself too, unless its something specifically bought - which we will tell him isnt his, and to leave alone (he doesnt) so really we have to hide things if we dont want him to have it, which at 15, i find a bit rediculous. He does get pocket money from us (and money from his DM) but we dont give it to him as cash, as he keeps buying cigarettes, so we buy him what he wants out of it. (as far as I know his DM still gives him cash)

Talking to his DM about it isnt really an option. It may be an issue as on the day he took the money, he didnt have any lunch money, but that doesnt explain everything else.

Dont think he is jealous of our relationship, and he gets attention if he needs it (not all the time but we are running a business from home, and this is particularly busy at this time of year, but we are still there for him)

Im really dissapointed, as we had all this with his older sister, and now just as she seems to be growing out of it, he is starting - after he saw all the trouble we and his sister went through previously.

Is there anything unusual going on in the family? That can be a trigger for stealing, which is often a manifestation of emotional neediness.