Have name changed for this. Sorry, is very very long and containing swears, but it's really upsetting me and am stressed out about it.
So, DP and I have been together 16 months, living together for 14 months. He has an 18 month old DD. I'm 32, he's 26, his ex is about 28.
He was with his ex for a total about 3 months, having moved here to live with her (immediately), after "meeting" via internet and talking for a few months online. She already had a 4yo (now almost 6) daughter by her ex, who doesn't see that child.
He found out quickly that she wasn't really who he felt she had portrayed herself to be over the internet. This, combined with him discovering her flirting/contacting other men via internet and text, meant he ended it. He was sleeping on sofa whilst working his notice, before moving back home, when she announced she was pregnant (although on the pill). He said this didn't change anything, the reasons for splitting were still valid. He didn't want a child with her, felt it wasn't fair on a child to be born in this situation, but she would not contemplate an abortion. He said he would be there for his child and support financially etc.,
Baby born and adores her. He can't bear his ex, partly because of her general personality but he resents her for forcing him to have a child with her. He always wanted kids, but with someone he didn't detest iyswim.
No formal custody arrangement is in place, as she had been through this with her other child's father and it was "too traumatic". DP agreed to this. He has joint parental responsibility, pays maintenance and we (i.e. me too!) also buy everything baba needs when with us (clothes, buggy etc).
So, child 6 weeks old when I start going out with DP. I fully considered this fact before agreeing to go out with him and know without question that his daughter comes first. I don't have children of my own, but love kids, have godchildren/cousins/been around lots of babies etc.
We get pretty serious rather quickly, as both feel we have met the "right" person. She is very unhappy when he tells her he has met someone and insists I can't see the child until she has met and "vetted" me. Okay, totally fine and understandable at this point.
We decide to move in together after two months (yes, is quick). Ex won't let him have his daughter at our home, even if I am not there. After we have been together for 6 months, Ex finally agrees to meet me in Jan 2011, mainly because she was complaining she was knackered and her family told her to stop cutting her nose off to spite her face.
We have a civil afternoon together and she even asks if she can add me on facebook. Shes not someone i would personally choose to be friends with, but am happy to exchange pleasantries etc, and in the interests of the child in the centre of all this. She agrees for me to be allowed around baba, DP allowed access in our own home etc.
Yes I know that some women go years before meeting DP children, but given the age of the child in question, DP wanted it to be sooner rather than later, so she wouldn't know any different; I would always have been in her life etc.
So, everything pretty much settles down with weekend access; although with regular upsets to DP every few months, caused by his Ex about petty crap/money. She can be rather nasty in dealings with DP about baba if things don't go her way, then veering to the extreme and constantly wanting to have any kind of interaction with him (e.g. ringing/texting him about random nonsense or commenting on every Facebook update he makes).
Every time it gets bad, DP wants to see a solicitor and formalise access etc., but she begs and pleads with him to "not put her through that". I stay out of it, although I must admit I don't like her much as a result of what has gone on. I have remained polite and civil in every meeting I have had with her however.
DP and I are happy together and after just under a year together, decide we want a baby together. I get pregnant after 2 months, but sadly - 8 weeks ago - I have a miscarriage just before my 12 week scan. Ex was not aware we were trying, or that I lost the baby.
I didn't have that many actual conversations with her, as I normally sat in the car. This was partly because DP didn't want any reason for her to prolong the exchange by chatting on and on (as she is prone to do).
I did however go in one collection day when his Nan was over, as would have been rude not to. When it came to dropping off day, his Ex went ballistic at him, asking "why was SHE talking about things to do with DD instead of you?! I give DD to YOU to look after, not HER!!". (I had answered a question about an item of clothing and mentioned something she had for dinner).
I have nothing in common with this woman apart from her child, so what else am I going to talk about when I meet her? So after that, I didn't feel comfortable going in to the house and remained in the car for collection/drop off. I did however smile politely/nod/wave etc every time I saw her. That incident was 6 months ago, but I had noticed that she seemed to be ignoring me and deliberately not making eye contact....
This didn't stop her asking us to mind her other daughter overnight recently so she could go out, which we did.
....when it all kicked off massively this Friday at collection time. The weekend before at drop off, his Ex had given him Christmas cards - one a Daddy one, one from her & her other child - but DP was upset thet that my name wasn't included on her card. I had been included last year, and he felt she was deliberately snubbing me.
So, he collects DSD (me sat in car outside), confirms Christmas access days/times, the says "erm, about this Christmas card...". She apparently has a smug, knowing look on her face and says "yes, do you REALLY want to know why I didn't include her name?" he says yes, he does...
She launches on a rant that I am a "fucking two faced bitch", that I only with him for DSD and not him, that I am super possessive of DSD and that I won't let his family see them, wont let anyone else buy her clothes or change her nappy, that at DSDs 1st birthday party (at her house, which was horridly uncomfortable for me, but we were foreced to go to) I "wrapped myself around" DP like "a psycho bunny boiler" and was whispering about everyone there. That all her friends (who I have only ever seen once!) think I'm stuck up and two faced... And on and on...
DP said that if she was going to talk about me like this, she had to say it to my face, that he would get me to come in. He then took his DD out to the car and told me to "go inside and stand up for yourself, as she is calling you all sorts".
I was totally bewildered, but got out of the car, and went down the path. I knocked politely on the patio doors (we park out the back), but she was nowhere to be seen. I head back to the car and get in. At which point, she stamps up the path and slams the gate closed (I hadnt latched it properly). DP says to me "go on, talk to her", so I jump out and lightly jog back towards her...
My exact words were "can we have a conversation?" to which she replied "FUCK off, I have better fucking things to do than to talk to YOU". I replied "whats been said? What have I done?". She replied "fuck off, I don't want to talk to you". She then took a step towards me and said "and get off my fucking path, I never said you could come in here"
Intimidated, I realised I had stepped into her garden, so I stepped back, at which point she slammed the (full height) gate closed in my face. I was so shocked and frustrated by this, I said in an incredulous voice "you ignorant cunt!". Not usually the kind of thing I come out with at all - although I admit do swear freely, I don't do confrontation like this at all.
She then opens the gate, steps very close to me and shouts to my DP "get HER fucking away from me" whilst pointing her finger in my face. He says "just talk to her", his ex then shouts "get her (DD) out of the car, I want HER (jabbing her finger towards me again) nowhere her ever again". DP replies no, he won't.
I then walk away to get in the car, saying "oh grow up!". She shouts at me "get your own fucking baby!". DP loses it at this (as it's still a sore point for us) and replies "she's just fucking lost one!". We drive off whilst DP explains what was said in the house and what as was accusing me of.
This has all come out of the blue, as apart from the incident 6 months before (which she says was about him, not me), she hadn't raised anything like this. He had asked her where this has come from, as it sounded like it was a member of his family, but she said it wasnt, and his mum also says she didn't say anything like this. His mum says I'm great with DSD and that of course I don't stop them from seeing her.
DP contacted a mediator and we decided to see a solicitor to get it all sorted properly once and for all. However:
On the Saturday night, Ex's mother wrote on DPs mothers Facebook wall, having a go about me for my "foul and abusive language and behaviour" towards her daughter whilst "IN FRONT OF (DSD name"), that they were going to take police/legal action towards me as a result and that she was frustrated she could not "confront" me herself, but that she could always travel here if necessary.
I was devastated that I was suddenly the bad guy for my one use of the C word (never mind all the F bombs she dropped), that his Ex was presenting herself as a victim, that I was going to be charged by the police and that she was threatening to come and confront me. Neither her or her daughter are small - his Ex is almost a foot taller, and about 2 stone heavier than me. I know it was wrong to swear in front of the child, but it didn't stop her mother.
DPs mum replied in a private message trying to calm the situation, but remain neutral. DP sent her a very polite private message, reminding her there are two sides to every story asking her to call him to hear his. She didn't reply.
He was also utterly distraught, I've never seen him cry like that, and I offered there and then to leave. He said he couldn't lose me and he loved me. When we calmed down, we discussed it and realised it wouldn't matter who he was with, the jealousy would still be there on her part.
Apart from the one bad word I used, I have honestly can't see I have done anything wrong; I am certainly not obsessed with DSD, nor do I stop his family seeing her - quite the opposite; we spend almost the whole weekend with them which can be too much sometimes. I do the washing (as DP tends to ruin clothes) and I do the cooking, but that is for all of us, baby here or not.
Baba is a lovely little soul and I do care about her very much, but I am deeply aware I am not her mother. Not would I ever wish to replace her mother.
We have no idea where these bad feelings and accusations have come from.
We spoke to the police about making a statement, because I was worried about the possibility of police action against me, and the threat of her mother coming to "confront" me. They advised it was a civil matter and to get a solicitor and to speak to social services (about where he stands if she absconds with DSD). They advised solicitor as well.
So, when he went to drop DSD back on Sunday night, his mum went too (i stayed home obv.) When they got there, ex had her aunt there too.
DP and his ex had a heated discussion about it all, with her maintaining I was never to see DSD ever again, that she had said nothing whatsoever to trigger my "abuse towards her" and that she was scared of me as I "ran at her aggressively" (whilst I was wearing a stupid panda hat with pompom ears [bush]) He did eventually get her to admit to swearing, and told her to tell her mother to stay out of it.
The upshot is that she wants us 3 to sit down together in her house tonight to discuss this. DP says we aren't to talk about what happened on Friday, we have "to draw a line under it". I think this is rather unfair, as at no point have I ever really been able to defend myself, or vent about it, whereas he got to do this on Sunday night! But, I will do, and will apologise to her for my language, as him seeing his DD is what matters most.
He says he won't get a solicitor involved unless he really has to, and wants us to sort this out tonight. But I feel he is going to bend to her wishes to make life easier, and it will only end up happening all over again in a few months about something else.
So;
how wrong was I for what I called her, given the circumstances?
would a court really agree I shouldn't see the child? Given that her objections are that I'm being too nice/close to DSD, and the one use of the swear word?
what the hell do I do tonight?!
Sorry for the essay, I needed to get this all off my chest.