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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ferrying the kids between houses - who does it?

25 replies

Purpleroses · 12/12/2011 21:56

Interested in some other perspectives here. My and my ex share the transporting of our two DCs between our two houses - we've always done it that way and it seems fair to both of us I think.

My DP however does both the Friday evening pick up and Sunday evening drop off every week. He works long hours in the week (commutes) and is often short of sleep and tired. His ex (or more often her DP) will ferry them over if he asks specially (eg says he's ill or his back's bad) but the default is always that he does the driving. She lives about 20-30 minutes drive away, depending on traffic. Is this reasonable? Do most women just expect the man to do the driving?

I've suggested he could ask to split it, but he seems to think this wouldn't go down well. It's not like she's not keen for him to have them all though. She likes here weekends off as far as I'm aware. Any suggestions how he could tackle it?

OP posts:

chelen · 12/12/2011 22:21

I would just ask her to do some of it, what's the worst that could happen? Even if she did one way every other time that's a bonus.

Here my SS' mum picks him up from school, we collect. In hols we do do both ways.

Beamur · 12/12/2011 22:28

My DSC live quite near - about 10 mins drive, DP usually takes them to their Mums at the end of the week with us and vice versa, but it's not fixed in stone. There is a reasonable sharing of the transport - sometimes the kids get the bus and take themselves to their other home now!

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 12/12/2011 22:38

DP does it. Long 40 min each way min drive after work every friday night, and every sunday eve. She has never offered and he has never asked. I have asked why he has never asked. I don't think she even thinks about it.

I can't wait till they can get ze bus.

theredhen · 12/12/2011 22:45

We do all the running around. An average of ten hours driving in our weekend even though mum only lives ten mins away. If they forget anything we do the ruining around but have to wait for an e mail from mum to tell us when we're "allowed" to drop the kids stuff off and then have to wait on the driveway for one of the kids to come out. She claims she fears for her safety to come to ours (unjustified from what I've seen). Personally I think she values her time and petrol money more. Lol.

My ex does the majority of the travelling but he moved away and he regularly is two hours late and I am not sitting around in a motorway services for hours in end because of his atrocious time keeping!

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 22:47

If she isn't keen on contact leave it is - chances are she won't share the drive and he will piss her off (I don't think she is right - more about picking your battles.)

Original poster

Purpleroses · 12/12/2011 22:54

No, she is keen on contact. She likes having her weekends off to herself. That is why I think he could push it. Otherwise - you're right MJ - ex would just say "you want to see them, you fetch them" but I don't think she would do that.

OP posts:

MJinSparklyStockings · 12/12/2011 23:06

Ah misread sorry!

All he can do is ask really - DHs ex won't do it (she's nuts as you all know) but I share with my ex - it's only fair.

pinkbraces · 13/12/2011 10:35

its double standards in our house, my DH and his ex have an understanding the person with the child takes/drops off, which means when we have DSC on Friday ex brings them to us, we then drop off on Sunday. It doesnt always work that way but for the most its shared.

I on the other hand very rarely take my DD to her Dads, and Im not sure why. I think when she was little I just assumed he would pick up and drop off and he never mentioned it. I have met him half way sometimes, but in all honesty it wasnt very often. We get on well so I suppose that has something to do with it.

My DD is now 17 and she doesnt really stay over she meets him for lunch or dinner, or to go shopping rather than stay over, (she doesnt want to be away from her friends for longer than an hour :))

Petal02 · 13/12/2011 13:07

My DH's ex NEVER does lifts. DH took it upon himself to do all lifts right from Day One, and seems to have made a rod for his own back. However, the ex is always VERY keen to despatch SS17 to our house, so I suspect that if DH couldn't pick him up for any reason, the ex would soon put him into her car and drive him over to us.

Ateallthepurpleones · 13/12/2011 21:50

I think all circumstances are different and whether it's reasonable for the NRP to always do the journeys will differ. In my own situation, as I'm the one doing all the school runs, ferrying around to activities, parties, playdates, etc then I don't see why I should be the one to take her to and collect her from her Dad's house.

workshy · 13/12/2011 21:57

my ex does the driving as he passes the end of the road on his way to and from work so he collects on his fridays on the way home and drops them back at school on the monday morning

school holidays and ad hoc days whoever has the kids does the driving -about 0 mins to 1 hr depending on traffic

stabiliser15 · 14/12/2011 21:43

My DH does it all. We live 40 mins from DSD and her mum. She believes it is DH's job to bear the time and petrol cost of all the journeys because he chose to move away from DSD. Although to be fair to her when it is impossible for either DH or me to do the driving, she has had a turn, but has strenuously resisted DH's attempts to make it more regular.

olibeansmummy · 15/12/2011 20:36

Dh or I used to do all the dropping off and picking up but after dss's mother stopped contact for a year then changed her mind we tried getting her to drop Dss off and us take him home the next day. Except several times in a row she wasn't in at the agreed time so we tried picking him up and getting her to pick him up the next day. Except several times she made up blatant lies about why she couldn't do it .

So now we pick him up from school in Friday and take him to school on Monday ( on way to ds's nursery) and don't have to involve her at all!

MitzchiefUnderTheMitzletoe · 15/12/2011 21:01

Pretty well split here, although it is ferrying by bus not car.

I think your DP should be in his rights to divide the journeys.

Original poster

Purpleroses · 15/12/2011 21:03

Thanks all - clearly quite a range of different rules in different households. Will try and get DP to push the issue a bit in the new year - his ex's DP is retiring so may be happy to drive them. If not, we'll just have to live with it. Would be nice if they could come via school but that's not really possible with the way they do things -DCs arrive with suitcases each weekend and take them away on a Sunday - they don't leave clothes at DP's house. Not the way I'd do it, but it seems to work for them.

OP posts:

coronet · 17/12/2011 19:31

Dh does it all, and always has done. Like Stabiliser, he chose to move away so he feels obligated, and he doesn't rate her driving so prefers to do it. DSS is 13 and very very occasionally she drops him at the train station (but only when we are helping her out by having him, not on a regular weekend). In your situation I would push, I think.

fallenpetal · 17/12/2011 22:37

The parent with the children at that time drops off to to the other here, Its because I read that you shouldnt take a child away rather have them dropped off as it then lowers the resentment of you removing the child from what ever they are doing with the other parent. It really made a difference to the children with less angst waiting to be picked into the bargain

Ateallthepurpleones · 17/12/2011 22:49

That makes it sound like it's a big ordeal going off with the NRP! I guess maybe there could be situations when it's like that, if there isn't frequent contact or something. It's certainly not the case for my dd though, I don't think she'd care less who was picking up or dropping off.

fallenpetal · 17/12/2011 23:17

yeah I know, but 5 months of watching my kids waiting at the window for their dad was enough for me to believe its the right thing for us. Believe me the pain in their faces when he is an hour or 2 or even didnt turn up at all was unbearable. It kind of shook him into stepping up a bit more as much as I hated leaving them with his GF at least she nagged him into getting home quicker!!

warriorwoman · 18/12/2011 16:58

My DH has for the last 12 years always gone to pick his children up and drop them back. Very occasionally his ex has dropped them or picked them up, but very rarely. My DH having worked a long week often would be very irritable on a Friday night and I would often say that maybe it would be better for everyone if he picked them up Saturday morning when he was rested and less tired. He rarely did.

I would say that if the ex is ferrying the children around all week then DH maybe should do his bit as he doesn't have to the rest of the week. Perhaps if he says he will either pick them up on Saturday morning or she drops them off. Then ex has a choice and Dh can pick them up when he is less tired.

origamirose · 18/12/2011 17:47

My DP does drop off and pick up 99.9% of the time. It's not a long way and it's what's always happened.
My advice is the same as others here - choose your battles carefully - although splitting drop offs and pick ups (in the way fallenpetal suggests) is fair, is it worth rocking the boat for?

Ateallthepurpleones · 18/12/2011 18:08

Ah I see fallenpetal. If it meant they weren't doing that, then I'd definitely be thinking about dropping them off. Xh comes here when he's finished work so it's not a fixed time, although generally around the same time and it's not an issue as to when unless I'm meant to be going out.

I don't think it is always fair to split them though in other circumstances. Considering that xh does nothing else for dd all fortnight, the least he can do is come and collect her and bring her back.

Original poster

Purpleroses · 10/01/2012 12:40

Update - DP has asked if his ex and her DP can do the Friday drop off each week and she has said yes :)

Very pleased about that, as it will make a much more relaxed start to the weekend for DP, and may even give us an hour or so together on a Friday evening without any of the DCs on the weekends when mine are at their dads. :)

OP posts:

therantingBOM · 10/01/2012 15:53

My DH does all the driving.. if he wants to see his DD then he has to make the effort - apparently.

Hugely unfair and sends a bad message to the child about how the mother values their relationship with the father.

My ex and I share all the driving.

therantingBOM · 10/01/2012 16:02

We have an interesting situation where by DSD's mother "doesn't feel confident driving her DD to our house because she's not sure of the route" (it's 20 minutes from her house, in the same county and we've lived here for 4 years)

funnily enough she manages to drive straight past our road if it's a day when DSD is already with us and she is going in to town... her college course is also in the next road along from us and she mananges to find her way there once a month too.

Pleased you have found a solution purpleroses. There are some happy endings with stepparenting

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