Advice needed as to what to do in the short-term

[NotaDisneyMum]

I've already posted about the recent developments regarding DSS (who is 8) and DP is trying to get him some help as soon as possible, but DP and I are trying to decide what is best in the short term.

DSS has created a fantasy in his head that if only his mum and dad were back together, his life would be perfect. He doesn't remember his parents together (they separated over three years ago), and both DP and I realise that this is a perfectly "normal" thing for a child of his age to be experiencing.
However, DSS has recently been diagnosed with stress and anxiety linked to this, and it has been making him physically ill (frequent diarrhoea and pain). He hid this from adults until quite recently; but we think that it has been going on for a few months. He has also become very withdrawn, lacking enthusiasm for anything and appears to be a very unhappy little boy

The GP is going to refer DSS to a suitable youth counselling/mental health service, but that probably won't get under way until after Christmas.

In the mean time, DP and I have to decide how we deal with the week that DSS will spend with us over the Christmas holidays. During the last few visits, DSS has been very distant with both DP and myself, but more so with me; he has managed to totally avoid speaking to me or even making eye contact for days at a time.

DP and I are wondering whether we should try to create positive experiences for DSS with both of us during the week we celebrate Christmas, or whether it would be better for DP to take the lead and I keep well out of the way when DSS is opening his presents, so that they have space to re-connect without me in the picture.

I really would appreciate peoples views on this. Unfortunately, DSS mum is not on board or approachable regarding this, so we can't discuss it with her, and we are on our own with this one until DSS is seen by a suitable professional

I would be tempted to tackle his antisocial behaviour directly. E.g. if he cannot make eye contact with you, and you are having dinner for example and you ask him a conversational question, I'd ask him directly, why cant you look me in the eye? or "it's good manners to look someone in the eye when you speak to them" and of course he should be interacting with you whilst staying in your home. Particularly as he will be with you for a WEEK. I think you can address this kind of item on a general manners basis, rather than making it more personal about you. I may not have articulated that very well but I dont think your hiding away is the best approach. Otherwise he's dictating the environment and let's not forget he's the child and you and your DP are the adults and it is your home. I know he's been struggling but I think you should both behave in the way that you want the outcome to be like - i.e. act normal and continue to behave like sociable and caring adults and expect him to behave appropriately. Otherwise you run the risk of tacitly supporting his ideas about his parents getting back together.

I am going to give you a completely different perspective from that offered by ladydeedy. Well, not completely differently, because I think that she is correct that you both need to behave like sociable and caring adults (but I am guessing that you already do that!)

I don't think you should be putting any extra pressure on him. From what you have said he is showing symptoms of anxiety and possibly depression. I am a child psychologist, but I don't think most of us could give you specific advice without knowing more about the family circumstances and your DSS. However, I am sure that most of us would not advocate direct confrontation over his lack of eye contact etc. This is quite likely to, at the very least, increase his anxiety.

I agree that you should not hide away e.g. there is no reason why you shouldn't be in the room when presents are opened. However, taking a back seat (but cheerfully) and some additional "together" time with his Dad would probably be quite useful. Overall, you will need to play it by ear but keep things as stress-free as possible.

How much does he talk to his Dad about his feelings?

I have used this book (American but still useful) with a number of kids. If you search for books for children on divorce on amazon you'll find other possibilities. It might be useful for your DSS and his Dad to read one together.

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Can-Do-Children-Divorce/dp/155798770X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_dp_DMJ5ob0TX82W3_tt

You can read the first chapter of the book here:

www.apa.org/pubs/magination/4417700.aspx

nice advice, I wouldnt hide away, I think it would probably "feed his fantasty".

Arrange for him to do 1 or 2 special things with his dad, and also some stuff with you, thats my advice.

I also wouldn't draw overt attention to eye contact or whatever, it could make him feel worse. Lots of kids struggle with these kind of things at times. My SS gets really nervous when he feels sad, he gets so insecure at times and his behaviour can be a bit wonky.

In relation to yourself, perhaps offer a reasonable number of very small but nice things he could 'help' you with if he wishes - fill the bird feeder, come to corner shop to choose a dvd, make some popcorn, look thru tv guide and choose what to watch - just so you are giving the impression that you want to include him. He might say no to them all, but you will have asked him. Then leave the bigger stuff for his dad. You can go to somewhere really nice altogether and say 'I really want to go and look at the [whatever] so I'll meet you in an hour', so they get loads of time without you looking left out.

I hope all goes ok.