Ex wife falsely (we hope) reported us for Harassment and Bullying.

[BigusBumus]

Hello, looking for a bit of advice... Quick back story, my husbands ex-wife left him when their son was 2 (took him), for a relationship that didn't work out and she ended up single. He meanwhile met me, I moved in and we had a baby boy. As well as his son (now 9) we are a very happy family unit made of our son between us (5) and my son from my first marriage (also 9). We have his son every other weekend, during holidays on an ad hoc basis and always take him with us as a family on holidays and outings etc. He is a sweet, easy boy and enjoys his time with us, out in the fresh air (we live in rural countryside), eating good food, playing out with his brothers etc. He loves his dad and I also love him and have a very good relationship with him. So far so good!

The problem is that the ex-wife made a mess of her life after she left my husband. She couldn't keep a job for longer than a couple of months, she had an OCD-style spending disorder and had her house repossessed, ran up eye wateringly enormous debts and went bankrupt. Her and her son were rehomed in a top floor council flat in a different area. She has been in a relationship for a number of years with a controlling and violent man who lives in a very rough area elsewhere. They are involved in the Northern Soul alnighter scene and she goes out on the weekends she doesn't have her son and takes speed and cocaine to stay awake and dance all night. She's 44 by the way. For a few years, she used to go out every weekend, and palm her son off on babysitters, her parents, my husbands parents, us etc, just so she could go out and get wrecked every weekend. The son was extremely miserable never seeing his mum and having to take care of himself as she slept it off during this time, although we never knew it was happening at the time, only hearing of it after the event from other people.

We have a very up and down relationship with her, she can't stand me, calls me "Lady La-Di-Da" at best apparently , slags me off with venom the rest of the time. She is abusive verbally and on texts to my husband, although nothing that he can't shrug off. She has a victim mentality, its all woe is me, and she is very pissed off that we have a successful new business, we are very stable, have a great home and land with animals etc (all worked very hard for). The type of thing we get for example, last week I droppped her son off to her in a layby near her home (her choice), so I had driven an hour to her as she "had no petrol". It was lashing with rain and pitch black, I never saw her face. Within minutes she was on the phone to my husband saying what a bitch I was that I hadn't smiled at her! The abusive phone calls and texts continued all night, some where replied to some not. (not nasty replies, just wearisome and THE FIRST TIME EVER by me in 7 years). This sunday has been the same, with her on the phone within minutes shouting abuse/swearing as son had left a glove here!

The ex-wife has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar, which actually explains a lot of her behaviour in the past. But she is not taking medication and continues to go out to alnighters and taking speed. She is getting more and more unstable, telling lie upon lie, getting caught out all the time etc, although not to the point of being a danger to her son, just general crap mothering.... letting him stay up to watch TV etc every night till midnight, swearing and arguing in front of him, feeding him junk food, letting him become fat, getting him 18 certificate Xbox games etc. She has been reported to SS twice, by concerned neighbours. (Nothing happened). We have thought about custody many many times (I have previous threads on here dating back years on the subject), but the son LOVES HER very much and we couldn't do it to him unless we thought he was in actual danger or severe neglect. We are not spiteful and would never use the son as a pawn to punish her for her style of parenting, we just make it lovely for him when he is here.

The new twist to this though is that after the glove incident yesterday, she told us she has filed a complaint against us for harrassment and bullying! She says we always get our way by bullying her into submission. We can only think of 3 occassions when we have "got our own way". One was when she wanted to take the son to live with the violent drug taking boyfriend and put son in a primary school that was in special measures. We threatened to take custody if she did that, so she didn't. Secondly when my husband told her parents that whilst they had their grandson every weekend she should have had him she wasn't "working" she was out dancing and taking drugs. They were horrified and refused to have the child again when she was supposed to have him, so she started to spend some time with him and he was MUCH happier. The other time is when she was rehomed in the council flat the son was automatically allocated a school place in an equally rubbish school 2 miles away and not in the very popular "outstanding" school 3 minutes from her flat. She didn't care so we fought to have his school changed won. Its more convenient for her in any case! Apart from that we don't care what she does or doesn't do in her own life, only how it impacts on the son and his welfare.

So, how can she take us to court for so called Harrassment and Bullying? She reckons the police are very concerned about what we "have done" to her. She said that our "bullying" her over her son will come back to bite us. She wants no further contact and yet has phoned my husband twice already this morning to rant. We think she is losing the plot and are vey concerned, but know that she is in a strong position as the boys mother, and a proficient lier.

I've never been threatened with the police or lawyers before. Its scaring me a bit actually. What could she do to us???? I don't know anything about it.

Incidently, my husband has paid the going rate maintenance to her by DD and never let the son down EVER re access visits. We also buy him clothes, shoes etc when he needs them, take him to the dentist, hairdresser etc. He has never laid a finger on her, never done anything malicious to her. Its very odd.... still she says that we are out to "destroy her" and has decided she has had enough and hjas been to the police now. I am very confused and also slightly scared...... What do you think? Do you think we have been bullying?

(Blimey thats a long one....sorry)

No I don't think you've been bullying and I don't think she can do anything that would come to anything. She could however make stuff up and maybe the police would have to investigate but I'm sure they would soon work out what was what.

Write everything down, keep a diary, backdate now what you can rememebr from the past, save emails, texts, etc. Log every phone call and see if you can get a tape recorder or similar to record messages.

Your poor step son. It doesn't sound a nice life for him. Is he genuinely happy with his mum?

Well he doesn't say much about life with her.... but he told us hes not allowed to talk about her and his life to us. If we ask a single question about school/home/ what hes been up to etc we get the ranty phone calls accusing us of interrogating him! He is a very quiet easy child (unlike my own 9 year old who is a major PITA at times). But he's not v accademic, doesn't question things. Hard to know if he's happy or just brainwashed. He was genuinely crestfallen this weekend to know his first word, like 99% of babies was Da da rather than Ma ma. We often make his mum things like Mothers Day cards together and he's very keen. But he also says its his job to "look after mummy" and takes on her enormous adult emotions. She tells him all about her relationship bust ups, money worries etc, so he is often terribly worried about her.

Just had a text from her out of the blue saying "you keep laughing at me. You wonj't be for much longer".

She's mad!

The police have a good 'bullshit radar' and I am sure they get caught up in domestic fights often. I don't know why you don't try for custody. He may love his mummy (they don't that age) but she is not being a mother to him. A child should not have the be worried about his mum. She is a nutjob.

Keep the texts and emails. Write down everything you can remember and keep a log. You may need to ask family and friends to be witness to the crazy going-ons. You say that he isn't academic but who is encouraging, helping him with his homework, buying him books or taking him to a museum? You, by the sounds of it, and this is part time! He isn't being given a chance to reach his potential and is bloody well not fair!

The problem is at that age the courts would ask him who he wanted to live with. It puts him in a horrible position especially as no doubt he would get lots of emotional blackmail from his mother. Maybe just let him know that if he ever wanted to come and live with you then he could and see what he says. Though I guess if he tells his mum that that was said to him it may cause problems.

Just keep a record of everything as others have said. Dont worry too much! the ex sounds very much like my DH's ex and she reported me to the police once for alleged harrassment. I did get interviewed which was interesting experience in itself, but they can tell very quickly what's going on. In my case I got an apology from the police and the PC and I had a good laugh afterwards. The ex got a stiff talking to. She's now of course "forgotten" that and created a different version of events in her head but dont fear as you have nothing to hide. She is clearly unstable and loves playing the victim. Interestingly you might want to read up on the "Karpman Drama Triangle" which a colleague recommended to me - having learnt more of the psychology it makes me understand it all a bit better. If anything this turn of events could even do you a favour if the police get involved (if they do, I'd almost wager that nothing will happen) and see that actually she is fabricating everything.

I wonder if its time to contact SS and have her MH assessed. SHe sounds very paranoid and her behaviour seems to be escalating. The "fact" that she is doing drugs regularly is not helping.

If SS have been involved previously, Id ask to have a word with them and ask them what they recommend you do. Clearly you want whats best for the child, but if mum is becoming unstable, maybe being with her is not the best thing for him? They also have a bullshit meter, and if you are completely honest with them about whats going on, maybe they will be able to make recommendations. At the very least, they will have it on record that you are concerned.