Step son grieving for a fantasy family

[NotaDisneyMum]

After a lot of problems over the last few months, my 8 year old stepson has been diagnosed with stress and anxiety.
The full reasons for this we don't yet understand (he'll be seeing a youth counsellor soon to help) but one thing that DP has discovered is that DSS wants his parents to get back together.

I know this isn't unusual - and my DD has said similar things, but what is different in this case is that DSS doesn't remember his parents together - he has created a fantasy based on his parents together - his dream - family, if you like; where everything in his life is perfect.

Has anyone else experienced this, and how can we help him?

We had similar issues with DSS (even though he knew there was no chance), in the end he just shut down and didn't listen to anything we said to him, he started getting in trouble at school and self harmed, he refussed to see a therapist so there was little we could do other than be there for him if he wanted to talk. He eventaully came round and begain to open up, he didn't really want his parents back together , i think it was the fact he just found change really hard to cope with (and your parents splitting is a huge change for any child). Give him time and just be there for him, let him see his dad as much as possible and keep reasuring him that just because his mum and dad are not together it doesn't mean he can't be happy.

It is difficult.

My step children were similar, and they didn't really remember their parents being together either (dss was just 3, and dsd 18 months when their parents split; dss has no real memories of that time - everything he can 'remember' is from home movies, photos etc)

they are now adults, just finishing up at university. dss still hankers after his parents getting back together, nearly 20 years on. he knows it won't happen (even if dh and I split up), but it is the thing that would make him happiest in the world.

It is purely because, I think, it is a fantasy - anything could be true if that were to happen, iyswim? not just his parents being back together, but as you say - perfection. happy families, no grumpy days, sun shining all the time, etc. it is part of what we all feel when we sometimes wish things were a bit different.

I don't know how to handle it - I don't think it was handled particularly well with dh and his ex - for his adult children to still wish for that is a bit extreme, imo.

how does your dss' mum deal with htings (are you on speaking terms?) I know that dh's ex blamed dh all the time, and created false realities there too - eg would repeatedly tell the children that she could not afford xyz becasue 'daddy does not pay enough' (when in fact, he did pay enough, and she had the money to pay for it). and told them again and again they had a difficult life because their parents were divorced (there were things which were hard, yes, but overall, they had a privileged upbringing - nice house, in a nice area, private schools, several foreign holidays a year, etc). I think this contributed hugely to their feelings of wanting their parents back together - because then it would be different, iyswim? probably mostly because their mum would (in their eyes) be a bit happier, maybe.

frothing I think you might be on to something - DSS mum does blame the divorce for a lot of things; she works shifts (always has since the DSC were babies and she and DP were married) but says to the DSC that she has to work 'because she's on her own'
The DSC 'have' to go to their grandmothers several nights a week as a result which they don't enjoy (no toys/games/computer etc and away from friends) DP has offered to have them when their mums working, but she refuses (because the child support would drop)

DP is considering asking DSS to describe what he thinks life would be like if they were still together - by getting DSS to think about it, where they would live, who would look after him, what food they would eat, which school he'd go to - perhaps he'll start to work out for himself that it wouldn't be the perfect life he is dreaming of?

My DD(8) sometimes says that she wishes that me and her dad were together, like yours she has no memories at all of the time when we were, so it's purley a fantasy (my DS, who's 11 actually does remember it a bit and remembers the rows so isn't so inclined to daydream that way) Personally, I'm not sure I would indulge the fantasies too much. Maybe better to talk about other families that he knows so he can realise that there are good and bad things about everyone's home, irrespective of whether their parents are together or not. You can acknowledge that in an ideal world people would stay together happily, but that that wasn't an option for his parents, and remind them that they wouldn't want to live in a house where people were arguing all the time and making each other miserable. Agree that blaming everthing that's not great in life on the split is counter-productive. Their mum should avoid this even if she has to grit her teeth to do so.

But think that splitting a week between 3 different homes does sound really tough on your DSCs. Shame the mum won't let them come to you then in the week when she's working. Could you offer to have them but keep the child support the same? Or could their gran babysit at their mum's house rather than uprooting them? I don't think I'd enjoy having to split my time between 3 homes. Would be hard to feel settled and at home anywhere.

Hi NADM, was very interested to read your post, we've had the same here, it rang a lot of bells. My SS is same age, he began questioning things around the time he turned 7 and since then has swung between periods of calm, periods of anger and periods of wishing his mum & dad were still together, imagining all would be wonderful if they were.

We find he is occasionally genuinely unhappy with some aspects of the visits to his mum's and the 'fantasising' gets worse when he is unhappy. For example if he has a good weekend he seems happier to deal with reality. If his mum swaps a weekend or works during contact time he comes back wishing his parents were still together. So a counsellor could help him get to the nub of what is specifically bad, rather than just 'my parents are split up'.

I agree that if the split happens before any memories of a rowing/unhappy couple then it is very easy for there to be fantasies of a blissful family. I think you have to give some recognition to the grief, but also gently address the reality and say 'you are imagining a perfect family that never existed', you have lots of people who love you, many children don't live with both their parents, you are ok to be happy in each house, you have your own life to develop etc etc.

We spend a lot of time focusing on aspects of SS' life which are about his own progression. We also talk a lot about how it is tricky to understand feelings etc when young but as he gets older he will understand and not to find it so complicated.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly. I hope things go ok with your SS. I would be very interested to hear if/how the counselling helps.