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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to xmas day visit?

17 replies

sammyjole · 08/12/2011 13:36

We'd already mentioned having partners teenage children over for early cellebration christmas eve when we will have plenty time with them stress free, now a christmas morning visit has been discussed (it would have to be morning we have been invited elsewhere for dinner) I have said no to dp as it will make morning a rush it is our LO's first christmas and I'd like to enjoy going through santa's spoils without DP doing his usual dissappearing job. The evening may be free although DP may have to work and we are all likely to be worn out. It is not like they are little children they are 16 and almost 18! AIBU?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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pinkbraces · 08/12/2011 13:40

YABVU - your DSC should be as much a part of your family as you DC. If they want to come and spend the morning with you all then they should. Your DC has siblings and its lovely if they could spend some time on christmas morning.

If you DP disappears, surely thats something he needs to rectify, you cant really blame that on the DSC.

Pancakeflipper · 08/12/2011 13:47

YABU. I understand you not wanting your DP to be missing for most of the morning but you need to find some way of including his children. And even if your DP does disappear to see his children for a few hours on Christmas Day or they come to you (that could be lovely for you all) - well you and your LO have him from lunch onwards by the sounds of it.

pictish · 08/12/2011 13:51

Yabu. And a bit horrible as well really.

MudAndGlitter · 08/12/2011 13:54

YABVVVVU. In fact are you my stepmother? She pulled this stunt and I have barely spoken to my dad since.

AvadventKalendar · 08/12/2011 13:59

YABU.

Do you not think the teens would like to be a part of their new siblings very first Christmas??

AntarcticEther · 08/12/2011 14:01

It's hard with blended families isn't it . Personally , id agree how you are going to celebrate your LO first christmas with the kids dad, communicate the plans to the stepchildren , and have them fit in with your plans , especially if you are celebrating with them the day before , and you already have dinner plans . Agree times etc.

Give them tasks . Can they take photos or film the morning ? Be in charge of music ? etc .

civilfawlty · 08/12/2011 14:08

Tough. They are part of your family. You can be specific about timings so you can either work within/around them. And you cab be clear with your dp that he must be present and involved when yours dcs unwrap their gifts. Buy you CANNOT decline a visit from his kids. That would be AWFUL. (and if you ate in doubt, please imagine if you were separated and is was YOUR kids who had to handle the rejection.)

pictish · 08/12/2011 14:16

Yes...imagine if your son aged 16 said 'I'm not allowed to see dad on Christmas day....his wife thinks he should only be with their child.'

Plus your LO is a baby and doesn't give two hoots about Christmas and who is or is not there while he opening his pointless gifts. This is about YOU wanting to play at lets-pretend-it's-just-us-three for the day.

Original poster

sammyjole · 08/12/2011 14:55

Oh crap seems I badly missjudged that one, I will talk tp DP about it, all the points are valid ones thankyou all for quick replies!

OP posts:

glasscompletelybroken · 08/12/2011 14:55

I'm not sure what you mean about your DH doing his usual disappearing job?

I think you should let them come over christmas morning but discuss with your DH how you want it to be a proper family occasion with everyone together in the same room and no disappearing!

I assume they will be waking up in their mums house so they are unlikely to be with you at the crack of dawn which means you will have a bit of time just with your LO & DH. I would let them know that you are going out for lunch so will need to leave at (whatever time you need to leave) but they are welcome to come until then.

Purpleroses · 08/12/2011 15:23

If your LO is like every other small child in the country they will be up and devouring santa's spoils long before any teenagers surface from bed, let alone make it round to your house. So you can enjoy this time with LO, and then have some bigger family time with the DSCs later in the morning.

16 and 18 year olds still need to be part of a family for Christmas, it's not like they'll have their own families or be out with mates on Christmas day.

olibeansmummy · 08/12/2011 17:57

Are you talking about them visiting you or your dh visiting them? I wouldn't be happy with dh going to their's tbh but would be totally fine with them visiting even if it meant a trip out to collect them.

lisaro · 08/12/2011 18:12

Why should your child see both parents at Christmas and your partners other children not? How unbelievably selfish.

brdgrl · 08/12/2011 18:41

sammyjoie, good on you for taking the comments on board.

i have to say - i still want to see my mom and dad on christmas, and i am 41 years old. :)

PavlovtheCat · 08/12/2011 18:51

YABU. they are your family. whether you like it or not. they are your partner's children, and siblings to your own children.

VVVU and selfish. I would imagine this kind of attitude it what builds resentments against a step-parent by step-children.

PavlovtheCat · 08/12/2011 18:55

and this is also their first christmas with their baby sibling. How much do you think they might want to see their baby sibling on xmas day? How crushing would it be for them to not be allowed to share this with your LO?

Sariah · 08/12/2011 19:12

Hi Sammyjole, I am in a similar situation. I have a ds18 and 2sds aged 17 and 15 and then we have 2 little ones. Myself, dh and my kids were invited somewhere for dinner but we said we would see what the sds were doing before we committed. Sd17 wants to stay christmas eve and have dinner with us on christmas day and sd15 wants to stay with her Mom christmas eve and come over to us on christmas day after dinner. I think for christmas day you have to be flexible within reason and try and accommodate all the kids.

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