How do I get my DH to make an effort with HIS DD?!

[newbiedoobiedoo]

The title about sums it up! My SD is 17. We've had some MAJOR problems in the past (with her threatening to kill me while I was 8 months pregnant, DH and his mother CONSTANTLY falling out over SD, not coming to our wedding etc.)

MIL adores SD's mother and would never hear a bad word against her...I think this has led to resentment but because he hates dealing with anything remotely difficult, it's resulted in him distancing himself from the lot of them, including SD. She does come to see us but maybe twice a year and though there's a lot of contact with MIL and DH there's practically nothing with SD.

I have begged him, text her pretending to be him, last year at Christmas (with the threats etc.) I just gave up on the lot of them. Asked DH to please stay in touch with SD but I wasn't involving myself anymore. The result? No Christmas present and I had to send cards and a pretty shit gift at the last minute.

We are broke, completely and utterly. And SD's mum has agreed not to make an issue of money until we're back on our feet so it's not like he's avoiding that.

SD came to spend a week with us in the summer and was supposed to come back over Christmas. But now she's not because there was no effort or discussion made.

I am always sending her messages on FB and texts from "him" mostly to keep the peace. I begged him to change because I want her to either be a part of my kid's lives (and ours of course) or not! Because the one a year visits and no conversations are just confusing for my younger kids and I'm sure don't do SD any favours!!!

I would imagine from her POV that it's like he's not really her dad but he keeps this pissy contact. I'm sure sometimes she'd rather he just disappeared so her SD (who is great to her) can be her "real" dad.

God this is so long sorry! :(

I've had a lot of family issues this year, not least of which is my brother's attempted suicide and the fall out from that. Plus my MIL who constantly bitches to SD about us anyway, has to be treated with kid gloves or she'll kick off, say unspeakable things to and about DH and there'll be war! I can't deal with that again (been happening on and off for 7 years!)

So what do I do???

I'm sorry if my opinion is not what you want to hear but, why would you want a person like that around your kids? I know we all want the loving, united family but step families are not always like that, if she's that crazy, crazy enough to threaten to kill you, if I were you, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids. remember teenagers are full of hormones and surprises, god forbid she snaps and does something crazy. If she is not showing any interest on being around, let her be, because either it's for the best or she'll eventually come around when she feels like she needs/wants to be there. Just don't push it, kids tend to go the other way if they see you're trying too hard.

No it's ok I understand what you're saying. I've been told (by the MIL wouldn't you know!) that she was in a very dark place, receiving counselling etc at the time. To be honest, I've had to get over a lot of things. She did apologise but nobody, not her mother, not MIL, not anybody ever has or ever will acknowledge when she's out of order on something. The result is that we all put up with a lot from her because that's just how things are! It does bother me if I let it so I try not to think about anything really!

I don't know it's just DH bothers me a lot. I worry that if we were to split he would treat our children the same! He says he would never do and I believe him but then that just makes me feel worse for SD! I do think she treats me quite badly at times. Never her dad though!

I find it very hard to stay away or not interfere. I feel like his behaviour to her reflects on me. I've been as good as told that!

I suppose you're right Natasha. I just feel like we had so much hassle for it now to be barely a relationship!

In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that DH has always been like this. He left when she was a newborn because of an affair. Didn't see her until she was 2.5 because his wife (the affair) didn't want it. They broke up. He saw her then until she was about 9 or 10 (I met him then) and ever since it's just been drama, problems, fights and him just not really having a lot to do with her!

I know we can't afford to have her as much now (big travel distance) but it really doesn't cost much to phone and facebook her. I suppose I'm a bit naive!

Of course he'll be like that with your kids when (not if) you split. And frankly, they're better off without. Honestly - he sounds a dead loss and the sooner you get rid the better. You sound really nice, but blind where he's concerned.

I know I'm going to sound pathetic but he really has changed from the way he was.

We went through a lot. He'd been a bit of a prick to everyone really and I just wouldn't take it from him. So he didn't do it with me. Then slowly he started to change towards everyone else. His mum has said repeatedly he's back to the person she knew before SD was born. But to be honest she is a MASSIVE part of the problem. And she'll never see that she's wrong, she's constantly the victim etc. so we all just put up with it!

She says she's afraid to upset him by having a go at him about SD so gets me to do it instead and because I feel responsible I do it! I feel guilty that he's not a bastard to us! Makes no sense I know!

Her mum hates me and MIL told me they all blame me for his behaviour but they don't know it's me doing the messages, presents, cards etc :(

I don't know why I can't let it go! I just don't want to be married to that sort of man I suppose!

I don't think he did it with his ex at first. Why is his mother to blame? I'm honestly concerned for you. Re read your last sentence. You're far too good for that.

She's a very difficult person. He doesn't speak to his dad mostly down to her, or his grandad. Yet she does! And his dad, grandad and that whole side of his family visit SD and his ex regularly yet don't have anything to do with our children. MIL has encouraged this relationship yet is always telling DH & I stories of how he abused her and really making us feel that we shouldn't have anything to do with him!

MIL, when she's upset with DH, phones his ex and SD and tells them all about it. She has admitted to me that herself and his ex phone each other to have "a good bitch"(?!) about DH and I....

It's a very weird dynamic and one I'm not used to. I make a huge effort with SD's mother. Because I feel I have to.

They put up photos of each other in frames that say "My Family" and stuff like that. DH has said that he feels they are all a family and he's not needed or wanted by any of them.

I feel like they go out of their way to make us feel left out and 'tolerated' as opposed to loved. It's very strange, quite hard to explain which is why I sound about 5 years old! :(

It sounds pretty crap, but please, please do open your eyes to the whole pic. Good luck.

Thank you lisaro I realise how I'm sounding here and I would tell myself the same thing...maybe I need to have a good think! :(

I'm glad you realise I'm not sniping at you. I've seen something that sounds very similar, that's why I'm being blunt. I really do wish you well.

Thank you! :)

Gawd, newbie, that sounds like a horrible situation. How do you bear it?

By ignoring it mostly! Don't know what that makes me but I've been trying to make this happen for 8 years and either sd hates me or dh and I argue or mil falls out with me, him or both! Writing it down it looks so much worse than I realised! :(

So is the general consensus to just mind my own business then? Assuming that things don't go pear-shaped between us. It really isn't anything to do with me is it?!