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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

bah humbug?? I dont think so...

8 replies

lateatwork · 06/12/2011 16:18

what do you do re presents from bonus children to others in the family? who pays and how is it organised?

Just got email from OH exP who wants OH to go shopping with DSS for presents as he is apparently expecting us to be celebrating Christmas with us when he arrives at new year and is expecting to be given gifts from his siblings (3 of them), DP and me. Maybe it makes me sound mean, but I havent budgeted for this. We HAVE to have a lean christmas this year due to financial issues and new born twins to boot... I have already dipped into my savings to pay for DSS £500 flights to get him to us (which has wiped out any financial slack I may have had...)... I honestly thought we could just do a small present for him. I wasnt expecting the DSS-DD, DD-DSS scenario etc. That would mean an extra 5 presents from family to him and then another 5 from him to the family which makes 10 presents which is far more than I have money for.

Surely its ok for him to just get one gift (like DD is getting.... the twins are getting nothing... ) without expecting each member in the family to give each other gifts (which we arent planning to do). Am I mean?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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olibeansmummy · 06/12/2011 16:43

Stick to what you're planning as long as it's fair ( which in your case it sounds like it is). Your dh's ex has no right to dictate what you do!

mrsravelstein · 06/12/2011 16:47

i'd find it very bizarre if ds1's dad & step mother didn't buy him xmas presents, which i think is the situation you're describing here. and indeed i buy gifts for ds1's step siblings on his dad's side, as they do for my 2 other children, are you still following this... .

i take your point about finances, but i guess mostly its down to you to celebrate xmas however is appropriate for your family. you could always just do small gifts from each of your dc to dss? like a box of maltesers, for instance?

NatashaBee · 06/12/2011 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 06/12/2011 17:00

Juist tell your OH to email the ex and say everything is sorted. Leave it at that.

It is up to you both how many presents you buy for all the children. What you said sounds very fair and fine. Stick to that.

There is no need for siblings to get each other presents until they can afford to pay for them themselves.

Original poster

lateatwork · 06/12/2011 18:01

thanks... we think one present just from us for 2 oldest children (dss and dd as twins are babies so dont care...) is the fairest way. just had a bit of a panic when i saw her email...if we did it her way we would be buying lots more presents instead of 2...

OP posts:

Purpleroses · 06/12/2011 20:13

My DCs and my DP's DCs do not any of them buy presents for each other (unless they want to out of their own money). The adults give presents to each of the DCs. Much simpler and fairer. I'd cut the ex out of the converstation alltogether and tell DSS directly who he should be buying a present for and expecting one from. Your family, your rules.

brdgrl · 07/12/2011 01:14

Do I understand correctly that the kids who live with you don't give presents to one another?
If that is the case, then I think you could just make that clear to the ex, and say that you likewise don't expect DSS to give gifts.

If the reasons are financial, though, perhaps you could do what my sister has always done with her little ones. They go to a charity shop or poundland and choose their gifts. They love being able to choose something, they learn about giving and choosing gifts for others, and the expense is very very minimal.

I come from a family where we all give gifts to one another. The gifts are often very small - some years we have all given used books, for example - but I wouldn't want to give up the tradition, and I want my DD to do the same. But I have married DH, whose family doesn't do things the same way. So it is tricky. For instance, my siblings and parents will give presents to my teenage stepkids, but the stepkids won't give them presents in return, because that is not the way they've ever done things. For his own siblings, DH has always picked out a small gift and put both his name and the kids' names on the card. I would prefer to take baby DD shopping and have her help choose a gift for her auntie (DH's sister) - but it isn't how they do things. So DD will give little token presents to my sisters, but not to DH's. And to be honest, I will end up buying a big box of chocolates or something for my whole family and saying they are from the stepkids.

theredhen · 08/12/2011 10:05

Oh my goodness, that makes everything so much harder work. I have enough trouble getting 4 kids to show any enthusiasm or interest in getting their father a present let alone trying to get them to buy presents for each other or for my DS or anyone else. Although they often tell me how they are spending their earnings on their friends and their Mum.

The kids all get presents from Dp and myself. Technically I buy for DS and DP buys for his kids but the label doesn't state that.

I don't buy for DS half siblings or for his step siblings partly because I can't afford it and partly because these are kids on his Dads side and therefore up to his Dad to do things. I do think DP should encourage his kids to buy for their Mum though and I will be getting DS to buy something for his Dad.

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