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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why?

19 replies

Squirrel3 · 08/01/2006 13:09

Sasa ratsa grrrr, grrrrr!

Why is it that I am good enough to feed my step-kids, buy them clothes/shoes etc, clean/tidy up after them, help them with their homework, have them living in my home 40% of the time, do their washing, look after them when they are ill, put their needs before my own, put up with them arguing and fighting with each other, why am I good enough for them to turn to when they have a problem and dare I say it even love them! but?.

I get told to keep my f-ing nose out as they are not my kids when I even slightly disagree something?

Grrrrr, grrrrr grrrrrrrr!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NomDePlume · 08/01/2006 13:12

curse of the step-mum.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 08/01/2006 13:13

Oh the joy's of being a step-mum eh? lol

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 08/01/2006 13:14

sometimes it's crappola.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 08/01/2006 13:20

Part of the 'job description' is that we "must have quite small head - To allow things said and done to go over it".

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 08/01/2006 13:21

lol, very good. DH is getting the idea now, after me expressing my extreme displeasure at it for the past five years

Surfermum · 08/01/2006 13:31

Yes, but Squirrel you knew what you were getting into when you got together with a man who already had kids .

Apparently my dsd is nothing to do with me, and I will never do the right thing so shouldn't bother trying - unless sewing and sorting out a costume for the school play is required .

What's happened, hun?

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 08/01/2006 13:52

Nothing much, its just dsd will not brush her hair, brush her teeth, wash her face and has taken to wearing her 'day-time' T-shirt in bed (instead of her pj's) then wearing it the next day. I made the mistake of telling her (very gently) that she will start to smell if she doesn't brush her teeth and if she wears the same top day-in, night-in and then the next day again and so on.

I must admit it?s embarrassing, people (when dsd is with us) believe she is mine (or that it is my responsibility to make sure she is clean etc) I have had people actually mention it and ask why I don't make her brush her hair at least.

But when her Mum and Dad say its ok for her not to brush her hair/teeth non-school days and "she is only a baby so she wont smell", I'm fighting a loosing battle. She is nearly 11 BTW, and just starting to hit puberty, I know its early but...!!!

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 08/01/2006 13:56

FGS she is old enough to smell. However, whatever you say won't work and I speak from experience. You have my sympathy

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 08/01/2006 14:04

~sigh~

Going to try to get her to have a bath later, I'll try to grab the offending T-shirt and put it in the washing machine (it hasn't been off her back since she arrived on Friday afternoon!)

She will have to brush her hair after washing it...

Now how do I get her to brush her teeth?......

OP posts:

Caligula · 08/01/2006 14:10

Why can't her father do this?

Just tell him that it's irrelevant whether she's old enough to smell or not, she soon will be and it's as well to get her into good habits now.

Jesus, why do men opt out of this boring part of parenting? Why do they always leave it up to a woman if they can?

It would piss me off immensely if a man I was with put me in such an uncomfortable position.

hercules · 08/01/2006 14:30

I agree with caligua. When ever my fathers children came to stay with us my mother left all manner of parenting to him. HE was crap but that's another story.

Surfermum · 08/01/2006 22:00

If it's any consolation Squirrel, my dsd is much the same. We've always had a battle to get her to have a wash or shower. Dd's arrival was good as she used to like getting in the bath to have a bath with her little sister, but that novelty has worn off now as she knows I will brandish the nit comb! She is starting to be more interested in fashion and her appearance, so I reckon another year or so and we won't be able to keep her out of the bathroom.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 09/01/2006 08:47

You would have thought that her mother/father would teach her that she should do the simplest of things like brushing her hair/teeth, but I suppose that if she can't even teach the girl that she has to wipe her bottom after going to the toilet (I had the pleasure of that!) I suppose that brushing hair and general self hygiene is going to be pretty low on her list of priorities.

I had to teach her how to use a knife and fork as she had no idea how to do it at the age of 7, she just used her hands to eat everything! There was my 18mth old dgs feeding himself with a spoon and she was still using her hands (or dp fed her like a baby because it was quicker and cleaner). She is the youngest and they still treat her as if she is a baby, she will even resort to ?baby talk? to get her own way. It infuriates me no end, dp is starting to grow wise to it though.

I worry for dss, he is 14 and he always gets into trouble on her behalf, ie if she does something wrong he always seems to get the blame for it. I really can?t understand why. Dss was really upset this weekend because of it, his mum phoned up to have a go at him and to make sure that he helps dsd with her homework, she told dp to make him help her with her homework. Dp told her that he wouldn?t make him, and why should he help her with her homework? After all its her homework not his, and anyway I was helping her. Dss was upset and told me that he feels that she is the loved one and his mum doesn?t even like him and the only place he is happy is with us because he is treated equally by me. I realize that a lot of this is teenage angst, but even so I do feel for him. I?ve seen it with my own eyes dsd is the ?princess? who can never do anything wrong, it?s not fair on dss or dsd really!

Ooooops! What a rant!

OP posts:

tarantula · 09/01/2006 09:25

Not too good a w/end then squirrel . FWIW she can come join forces with dss if you like as hes just as bad but at least I get backup on my naggings and he takes it all in good part too (including the nailbrush that santy put into his stocking )

NotActuallyAMum · 09/01/2006 09:41

You have my sympathied Squirrel

Never had the cleanliness problem with dsd - do take note of Surfermums post that in a year or so you won't be able to get her out of the bathroom!!!

I can relate tho to the 'baby talk' - dsd was just the same when I first met DP, all she had to do was put a baby voice on and call him Daddy and she could get anything she wanted. It used to infuriate me too but my DP too got wise to it - but only after I continually nagged him about it, and eventually got quite angry with him. Why can't they realise it's doing the children no good?? Grrr!

for you

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 09/01/2006 10:45

Tarantula, hello you are back! where have you been?

Did you have a good Christmas?

Tarantula is back, all is well with the world, life is good!

OP posts:

otto · 09/01/2006 15:44

This must be an age thing as my stepdaughter is exactly the same age and is behaving in exactly the same way. Even when she does wash her hair she doesn't do it properly and it still looks greasy. When she was staying with us last week I allowed her to watch something on TV only if she let me wash her hair. That way it gets done properly. She has always been a nightmare about brushing teeth and hair and getting dressed, but it never used to matter as much as it does now she is approaching puberty. Luckily dp doesn't leave me to deal with this. He is bothered by her personal hygiene too and is going to talk to bm about it.

LooptheLoop · 10/01/2006 15:15

Squirrel, just to add - no it doesn't make sense!

Don't blame you for having a grrrrrr.

jules27 · 20/01/2006 10:10

Good Morning to you all ,i was beginning to think i was going mad. My step daughter(14) does all of the above , including not tell us what going on in her life. It is a constant battle to remind her to bush and wash(we are winning after (three years of living with her). My lastest problem with her is that every time we have a cross word , or her dad and i row( not often but as can both be hot headed we dont mess about.) she reports in to granny . I only found this out yesterday as after a normal teenage row ,found her telling her all ablout it , only problem it was all one sided( she never told granny why we were having the row in the first place) Granny dislikes me and i could never understand why as i have never knowling done anything agaist her.Puzzle solved, granny thinks i, m the bitch from hell . She has been telling her every thing since i,ve been here, all onesided. Hell , confronted other half and he said "well it would explain a few things""yeh like the fact that granny,(HIS MUM) is always ignoring me".Sorry to rant, feel calmer this morning we are going to chat to daughter later together.

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