I don't want to be judgey but I can't help it and it's making me angry and unhappy

[madonnawhore]

Feel a bit of a fraud posting here as I'm not technically a step-parent but my BF has a DD.

We've been together for just over a year and we don't live together. But we do hang out with his DD and stuff, and that side of things is all great.

The thing that I find really, really hard - and what I'm really asking for advice on, I guess - is how to handle my feelings towards his ex (his DD's mum).

She was the one who ended the relationship and now they have about 60/40 split with childcare. Very often she'll forfeit her weekends with the DD and get my BF to look after her. Obviously my BF jumps at the chance to spend extra time with his DD, but it does impact on our relationship because when his DD is at his house, I don't stay the night - (we haven't crossed that bridge yet). So the time we spend together isn't very intimate IYSWIM?

So even though I think it's great for him and his DD that they get to spend more time with each other, the flip side is I get incredibly resentful and frustrated with his ex. It seems like she can just do whatever she wants. She's always going out (if BF can't have DD, his ex leaves her with her grandparents). I don't get why she can't just make plans for the days when she knows she won't have her DD. She gets as much free time as my BF does. Why does she make plans for weekends when she's supposed to have her DD and then inconvenience everyone else (including me, by extension) by dumping her DD on whoever can take her?

I feel like she created this situation, she made her life choices, and yet she doesn't have to face the consequences because everyone's bending over backwards to make it easy for her to see her mates and go to parties.

This NYE was supposed to be her turn to have their DD but now she's working during the day and she's decided this means that she can't possibly have her DD on NYE night because she'll be back from work too late (7pm at the latest ). I'm not stupid. She's obviously got plans to go out and just wants to get out of having to have her DD that night.

My BF and I have plans to go away for NYE and now his DD will have to come with us. Obviously that's fine - I really love having his DD around - but I can't help feeling it's so unfair that his ex can just pull everyone's strings and get her own way. We'll still have a great NYE, but it won't be the kind of weekend we'd originally planned now that we'll have a child with us. And yet again his ex is getting to do what she wants. Plus it's not really fair on his DD. I'm sure the fact that her mum is out so often must register somehow.

I've asked BF why he doesn't put his foot down but he just says he's worried that if he pisses her off she'll limit his time with his DD. And also, every time she wants to go out it's extra time for him to spend with DD. So even though he's being taken advantage of, for him it's worth it. And I do understand that.

Sorry, this is way longer than I meant it to be. And reading it back I know I sound bitter. I suppose I just want to hear of other people's experiences. I'm happy to be told that her life's nothing to do with me and I should butt out.

I don't like feeling wound up and resentful as often as I do. Any sympathetic ears out there?

My ears are very sympathetic! I have the same issues and resentment. We can never make any plans because DH's ex will always alter them for us. I'm bitter and fed up and if one more person says I knew what I was getting in to they'll be risking their life!

and breathe...

Thank you for being sympathetic! I don't want to be the evil bad guy but I do feel like my BF's ex massively takes the piss.

A few months ago she didn't have her DD for six weekends in a row, BF had her. Which meant I didn't really see him that much. And she wasn't asking to swap a weekend or return the favour (not that BF would ever be able to go without seeing his DD for 6 weekends, it would kill him), but she just forfeited those weekends. Like she didn't want them. Wasn't bothered about making them up later on.

How can she be okay with spending so little time with her DD? I just don't get it.

I know what you mean. I DID know what I was getting in to and I know plans can change and life's not certain, etc. What I'm saying is I'm happy to be flexible, but the arrangements have to be FAIR. And right now, they're not.

And I think she's being a bit of a rubbish mum. There. I said it.

hmmm its tricky. if they originally agreed for contact to be every other weekend and then she has offered more, its great that your bf is so keen to spend more time with his dd, but he can also say no. like on nye. you have plans he can say sorry i am busy.
the fact is if he doesnt want to isnt really his ex's issue, thats his. have you said to him how it makes you feel? my ex has the kids every weekend that was our agreed contact and i am surprised when nrp agree to less. perhaps you bf needs to change the contact arrangement to a more permanent nature, if thats what he wants and then everyone knows were they stand iyswim?

i am confused by what you mean by spending so little time with her dd, does she not have her in the week? does your bf?
is she the nrp?

She has her 3 or 4 nights a week and he has her 2 or 3 nights a week. Then they do alternate weekends.

He's the nrp.

He did actually say no re: NYE, but then she went and asked his mum! (Her parents had already said no).

I know I have to suck it up and it's between them to sort out really. I just felt better venting. I get so frustrated!

how come you dont stay over when she does, if you dont mind me asking?

In my opinion, when someone chooses to look for another relationship when they have children they really have to weigh things up in their minds because I believe that taking on a relationship means sacrifices have to be made and decisions made that might not always make everyone happy. Ultimately each person within the relationship has a right to be heard and to have their needs listened to and acted on even if that means a compromise for all concerned.

In this case, it is admirable that this guy wants to see his child as often as he can, but in doing so, he is severely marginalising his relationship with his partner. If he wants to have a situation where he never says no to his ex partner or child, then that is entirely his perogerative but to expect another person to just "fit in" with that, is in my opinion, very unreasonable.

I spend my life trying to ensure that my son and my partner are happy and making compromises to do so. If my ex lets me and my son down with contact, I try to ensure that the impact is as less as possible on my partner and I still make sure he has my time whilst also ensuring my son is not left feeling pushed out. Sometimes it's difficult and I feel torn between everyone but if I want a relationship then that is what I have to learn to deal with.

On the other hand, my partner, in my opinion, gives me very little consideration at all when it comes to his kids and his ex wife and I am left feeling bottom of the heap and excluded. There is one crisis after another with his ex wife and kids and nothing is done at all to shield me from the emotional impact. If I try and voice my feelings and frustrations I am beaten down and my partner does everything to try and marginilise my feelings and frustrations.

If you feel frustrated with your situation now, OP, I suggest it won't get any better as the relationship moves forward and I think you really need to try and address this now. No-one is trying to stop him seeing his child but ultimately you have the right to know what you are dealing with on a week by week basis. His child is not your child and you should be able to know when you are being "daddys friend" and when you are being his partner. By him letting his ex wife call the shots, he is being disrespectful to you. He has a choice in all this, don't let him tell you otherwise.

Is there any chance he could be using this as an excuse to cool it with you?

The six weekends in a row that you didn't see much of him - do you know for sure it's because he had DD?

OP have you considered that maybe it is time to move things to a new level with your BF and his DD. Maybe you should start to stay over when she is around. She must understand the dynamics reasonably well by now so you staying over shouldn't make too much of an impact on her but might help to cement things with your DP. Perhaps if you are staying over and doing some 'parenty' things with his DD then you will get more of a say and your opinion taken into account when decisions are made.

You obviously took on board that your BF has a DD before you got together so you have your eyes open in that respect but like other posters here have said, you should consider having a bit of a chat with him about how you feel as well. He needs to talk to his ex.
Bear in mind that the ex-W is obviously keen on maintaining her social life so chances are that she is unlikely to restrict access provided he broaches things in the right way with her. When you have firm plans, they should be stuck to rather than anything arranged with you is fair game if DD suddenly needs looking after. That is no way to live and if you want to be in this relationship long term then you need to stand up for yourself (in a firm but non confrontational way - your BF mustn't think this is about choosing between you, but just working out a way forward that works for everyone)

As for thinking the exW is a bit of a rubbish mother, you can join my club which involves thinking it often but never saying it out loud except to very trusted friends and occasionally MN!

Madonna, you have my sympathetic ear. I am in a similar situation.
My DP's ex is frequently changing access arrangements and won't commit to anything until the last minute. DP rarely pushes back or challenges any changes. It means that it's difficult for us to plan ahead (book holidays, commit to weddings/birthdays as a couple, plan weekends).

It used to infuriate me but I'm getting better at accepting the situation as it is. I think that this is because I have got to know his children well and I know that being with their dad is good for them and that it's not good for them when they realise they're a source of conflict between their parents. It helps a lot that we have an elderly neighbour who babysits at shortish notice.
My advice (if you want it) is to try to detach from the ex and to focus on the needs of the children (not the wants... the needs - distinguish between those!). This isn't going to go away but if you and your BF make the decisions together then it can get easier (it did for me).

'I've asked BF why he doesn't put his foot down but he just says he's worried that if he pisses her off she'll limit his time with his DD.'

This is the problem. It is the fear of losing contact with his DD that means your BF will give in to ex's demands until he's had enough. It could take years. My DH still has that fear 10 years later, but now it's not the ex that dictates it and manipulates the situation, it is his children as they are adults now and he doesn't want to lose contact with them or his grand-child. It is not easy being in a step-family, it can be pretty crap at times.

I think your BF may have to call his ex's bluff. I am in a broadly similar situation, NRP to my 2 DCs. His ex sounds very much like mine in some respects. I was reluctant to refuse any demand for a "favour" but then I realised she actually needs me to look after the children so she can maintain her social life!

Get him to put his foot down and see what happens! If she's anything like my xw then she'll kick and scream like a petulant teenager and then 5 mins later everything is fine!

Thanks everyone. I felt so guilty after posting this thread I almost asked to have it removed. I don't want to be negative but I get so cross sometimes. And I'm especially fuming about the blatant cheek re: NYE.

Just to answer a couple of posters upthread:

Finallygotaroundtoit can understand why you asked that, but I know 100% that the weekends he says has his DD, he really does. Sometimes I'll go out with them somewhere for the day. Or sometimes he'll get his mum to babysit and meet me for a couple of drinks in the eve before going back to her.

samwellsbutt I don't know why I don't stay over when she's there. I guess because we've only been together a year and he only introduced me to his DD about 6 months ago so it's relatively early days still. Plus she still gets into his bed a lot at night so I can see it might be awkward or strange for her. I really don't feel like I can drive the timing of when I start staying over while she's there. That has to be his decision.

could you have a conversation about at what point, in the abstract, he can imagine allowing a new partner to stay over when he has DD? might be useful to know where you stand and/or if he's ever considered the idea in general

are there times that can be intimate outside of weekends (stay over midweek)? and also up your contact time with BF otherwise - can you ever meet at lunch? so you feel you are not missing out

if it doesn't look likely that he's ready to stand up to ex now, if a special date comes up in near future (birthday? valentine's?) could you agree with him that he'll ring-fence it, definitely - just as a one-off - so he gets to try this tactic out without the pressure of thinking he's setting a precedent?

bottom line tho, you've got to admire a guy who's a loving dad and willing to put his daughter first. presumably that side of his character is one of the reasons you like him in the first place... i get that it's difficult when his ex is taking the piss tho.

I'd suggest chatting to your BF about staying over at his. Me and my DP used to see each other only once or twice a week because he had his DCs every weekend (and I have mine too alternate weekends and in the week). The last few months I've been staying over at his most of the weekends when I don't have my own DCs and it's been lovely. I'm much less bothered about the (very limited) amount of time when he is neither working nor with his DCs because his life with his DCs is now something that includes me. None of them seemed to be bothered by my staying round, and now see it as normal. How old is the DD? She will have to have it explained that you'll be in the bed before she tries to creep in in the night and finds you there of course! (I have had my DD (now 8) try and squeeze in beside me with DP on the other side - wouldn't recomend it for a good night's sleep)
Would second what others have said, if the ex is keen to have a social life then that places your BF in a pretty strong position in terms of access, as sounds like it's suiting the ex too for him to have DD lots. But do think you've a right to ask him to honour agreements for small amounts of time that you've set aside to be together on. If ex wants to ask your BF's parents to have DD over new year, why not? (presuming they feel able to say no if they don't want to) Shouldn't mean that your BF needs to step in and cancel plans. Putting his DD first in terms of her overall needs in life is good and as it should be, but putting contact with her at all times ahead of any other plans, is not the same thing.

It is very unreasonable for your BF and his ex to have an official 40:60 split and for your BF's ex to then ask for repeated ad hoc childcare at her convenience. You should keep a very close tally of all the nights your BF's DD really spends with him and add it up and calculate the real split and then get your BF to renegotiate a new fixed agenda with his ex.

We have had exactly the same issue. You will never change the ex but you can change your BF's attitude to her.

I can understand your frustration at the situation you are in.
I would suggest you start staying over with your BF at weekends, then you get to see more of him.

I'm on the other end of your situation, I'm the RP who's ex hasn't had DD to stay over in the 3 months we've been split, so I have virtually no evening social life.
I know this will change in time so am happy to wait until DD does have sleepovers with him.
Xh is free to see DD whenever it is appropriate.
He chooses to see her for one day a weekend and maybe a hour sometime else in the week.
I had hoped he would choose to see her more, but he is busy with his new life.

Don't worry about feeling resentful ... step-parenting does this to you even if you're the kindest, most loving, compassionate person in the world! In my 10 years as a stepmum (initially part-time to an awkward ex-wife and now full time because tragically she died 3 years ago from a brain tumour), I have fought with a multitude of emotions and battled almost daily with resentment, guilt, fear, love, confusion, jealousy - the lot!!!! It's not an easy path to walk and anyone who says "you knew what you were getting yourself into" is wrong. You DON'T know! You are reluctant to share your feelings about it with others for fear of being labelled a wicked stepmum. Complain about your own child and nobody bats an eyelid; dare to moan about your stepchild and you'll get a raised eyebrow! All I can say is that it does not get any easier - it changes, you get new issues and challenges to deal with but it doesn't get easier. Think long and hard before taking your relationship to the next level is my advice. Obviously, if you're head over heels in love then go for it and you'll conquer anything, it'll just be harder. For the record, we are a successfully blended family - DSD 18, DSD 11, DS (mine) also 11 and DS (ours) 6 and all get on yet STILL have our issues! If anything was to happen to my hubby, I wouldn't ever do this again - for me, it has been a once in a lifetime emotional investment that I couldn't do again. Good luck, with love and total commitment you can make a success of it but dont ever feel bad for venting - you NEED to xxx

Agree with Gooshka - step-parenting throws up never ending new issues of sharing of responsibility for children. DP's exW is currently trying to outsource laundry to our house through underhand means...

I really feel for you.

This was how it was with us when DSS was between the ages of about 9-16/17. He was with us every weekend, from Friday evening to Sunday evening. If for some reason he couldn't stay with us, his mother would take him to DH's family (never her own ). DH obviously did not have a problem - he loved his DS and would do everything he could to see as much of him as possible. It used to really piss him off though that his ex obviously prioritised her social life over spending 'quality' time with their son at the weekends. Once during mediation he apparently said to her that he would just once love her to say to him that he couldn't have their DS that weekend as she had something planned with him. Yes, she had their son during the week and I guess at times that must have been hard. But weekends are when you get to do the fun stuff with your children.

It was bloody hard on our relationship at times - we both worked away from home during the week, so weekends would often be the only time we would actually spend together. But however hard it was at the time, it ended up being one of the things I loved most about DH - his absolute unconditional love for his son.

You can of course make it work, but it is hard. I feel for you. And I agree with Bonsoir that the ad-hoc changes/requests are not on. If they have already agreed that you would not have his DD in NYE, then it really is up to the ex to make alternative arrangements.

Aw you're all so lovely. Thanks for not making me feel like the wicked witch.

For the record, my BF is an excellent father and I really can't fault him as a partner either - I adore him. And his DD is gorgeous, never been a problem, she's delightful to be around.

It's just this festering resentment I have towards the ex. Because I think she takes advantage of his weakened position. And if I'm perfectly honest, I think she should spend more bloody time with her child.

And Tinselrella you're right. They agreed he would not have DD this year for NYE, so it is up to his ex to find alternative arrangements. Just so happens that her alternative arrangement is to dump her DD on my BF's mum! Obviously now my BF feels like it's not terribly fair for his mum to have her NYE cancelled by his ex's plans. So we agreed it was only fair on his mum that we have his DD.

And still, his ex isn't put out at all. Because she gets to have NYE to herself. When it wasn't her turn to. Grrrrrrr.

Anyway, I'm starting to sound like a stuck record. Thanks for letting me vent.

I couldn't finish reading all of the posts so, just in case the "crossing the bridge" issue hasn't been resolved, I had the same problem, actually pretty much everything you said has happened to me. You really have to move your relationship to the next level by spending the night. I started by sleeping in the living room, we explained the kid I was staying and we played together until he fell asleep, the next morning I made breakfast and he started getting used to the idea, we repeated this for a couple of weeks more and we would take short naps in the bed room with the door open every once in a while, letting him know we were both very tired after work and he could wake us up if there was anything important going on. He got used to having me around and after a month I was already sleeping n the same bed with DP, his son had a hard time adapting to the divorce but it actually got better once I moved in, he needed to feel the family dynamics, you are right, kids realize it when rubbish moms are pushing them away, DP's ex does it a lot and at the beginning my SS would have trouble sleeping because he was scared he was going to be left alone or forgotten (the ex forgot him a couple of times) when this would happen I would invite him to now our room and he would happily bring his mattress, pillows and bed covers. If his daughter wants to sleep in his room once you spend the night or move in, she'll have to adapt, and you'll have to allow her, my opinion is, she shouldn't sleep in the same bed when you're there, she has to understand that's your place now and you need to become closer to see if that's the kind of relationship you would want with her, hopefully she'll understand, and if it does happen, don't worry, she won't do it more than 2 or 3 times if you handle it well, she'll also want to check you're not stealing her daddy.
Hope this was helpful, I'm in the middle of a crisis myself and reading you and all of the lovely advices actually helped me feel better