text issues

[samwellsbutt]

we had a fab weekend, it was dp ds birthday and we had a little party for him and my kids came from their dads and his kids had fun and a couple of my friends bought their kids and his family came down.
i even baked my very first birthday cake (wheat free, dairy free, had mash potato in it would you believe).
dsc were a bit fractious on the sunday post party come down but a run in the park seemed to calm them down and everything was fine.
they go home and the texts start, the kids are upset they miss you, dc1 behaviour has become very physical she is obviously working through some emotional issues regarding the weekend etc.
dp has ignored them so far but i can see he is quite upset by these texts.
i cannot understand what her end goal is here, my dc will some times say they miss exh etc and i will say of course you do but you will see him on so and so and then change the subject so they dont get upset or in a state.
we have only been living together for a couple of months so it is all new for them but it does seem to be going really well, i was very chuffed because dsd made me a lovely card at the weekend to say thank you and she is only 6.
i dont really know what i am trying to say here but just dont like to see dp hurting. just trying to think if its something real or see is making it out to be a massive thing.

It must be very hard. especially as you are at the beginning of your relationship and it sounds so positive! It must be very hard for him. I think the approach you have with your own children is very good - reassure and move on. If your DH can, I think he should ignore the texts or reply, if he must, in a non-commital way to close down the conversation she is trying to put in train. E.g. "this is to be expected. i look forward to seeing them on x date". end of. Try not to let it (or her!) get to you or him. Like you say, not sure what she is trying to achieve. I feel that by engaging in the conversation with her he'll fuel it more.

An alternative approach with the "The DCs miss you" text is to text back saying that he'll call them and speak to them.

Children will often act up when they are in a safe environment and this is a common complaint of single parents whose kids "visit" their other parent, then come home and behave like little monsters. Children can find it difficult going from one set of rules to another and different boundaries and expectations especially if it's early days with the break up of their parents.

Has he tried talking to his ex to see what she thinks might help? She might well have another agenda but then again she might just genuinely want to help her kids feel better about a difficult time. If she doesn't tell him how they are, then perhaps he would never know?

Maybe the DCs find it hard being back with mum after such a fun weekend - in which case good if DP can ring them and speak to them? Or maybe their mum finds it hard them having had such fun that she wasn't part of. She may not really have a goal in her texting, but just be feeling hurt and left out of the new family that her DCs are part of and she's not. Not something you or DP can do much about really. She'll just have to work through it.

they are not newly broken up and these contact routines have been in place for nearly two years so i cant see that the children could find that difficult. the moving in with me and fitting that in yes, i could see that a a tricky situation but i think that rather than helping settle them she escalates it sometimes. no she wasnt/isnt very happy about our situation.
ex is prone to using supposed issues with the children as a reason to have contact with dp. sometimes screaming phone calls , hours of text rows etc. he has recently managed to get this all under control with a no contact except via email and at pick up and drop offs and texts only for emergencies.
so he is wary of getting back in to text conversations as it was this kind of thing that would lead to rows before.
i did wonder about the party thing and his family coming down, that would have been weird for her to know that we were all here, but life moves on there is not much i can do about that.
i know their dad is stricter with them than their mum is so maybe that is something to do with it.
her past behaviour makes me look for the manipulation in everything which then makes me question myself because maybe this time she is being honest and right ,sigh. its all so tricky.