Moral support for DH and to let him know that these feelings as a SD are normal?

[mampam]

Hi, I was just wondering for all you Step Parents out there if you could give my DH a little bit of moral support and to let him know that the feelings he's having are probably normal?

DH (and I) are having a bit of a tough time at the moment. I have 3 DC's, the eldest 2 being from my previous marriage. Eldest DC's father has recently moved away because his wife has landed a new, highly paid job. Lots of perks including a house and bills paid for etc. A dream job and I don't blame them for going for it as it seems like too good an opportunity to miss.

They have a DC together and another on the way. ExH has given up his job to start up his own business, has bought all the equipment needed etc. They still have a house here which they rent out.

Because exH gave up his job and is starting his own business he doesn't have to pay me any maintenance and won't have to pay anything until the CSA have 3 months worth of accounts from him, which lets face it when you start out on your own and you have a high initial outlay, on paper you won't have earnt very much at all.

So here's the thing. DH is a little peeved that exH, gives up his job, goes off to start a new, better life for himself, buys a whole load of new equipment, sells his car back to the garage where he bought it less than a year ago and loses 6K on the price he could have got if he'd sold it privately, has a new child on the way yet can't provide for his 2 eldest children.

Money is very tight for us now we don't receive any maintenance, it's all happened right before Christmas.

I know that's just the way it is and we basically have to like it or lump it but I think DH is feeling a bit isolated right now. I'm not a step parent so I think my DH doesn't feel like I understand what it's like for him.

From his point of view I guess he feels like he is doing his best to provide for us all, he loves all our DC's the same but kind of feels hard done by that we are struggling whilst my ex seems to not be bothered about the detrimental effect this will have on his kids.

We certainly do not begrudge ex and his family moving to better themselves but it just seems so unfair that his dc's have to suffer for it.

There are a long list of other issues relating to ex but this is the most important right now.

Is my DH right to feel peeved? Is he alone in feeling this way or would other step parents feel the same?

I think if you DH is only feeling "peeved" then he is a saint! I'd be bloody furious. Your exH has an obligation to financially support his children - your DH does not.

We'd probably all like to chuck it all up in the air and follow a dream but in real life we have responsibilities. presumably he is managing to support his new family? How charming for your children that he doesn;t want to support them anymore.

Unbelievable.

You sound very reasonable to me, and I understand completely why your DH is annoyed- I would be.

It is exH decision to give up his job, and he should consider all his children's needs, by doing this he is expecting your DH (and you of course) to support his children.

My DH has a DD. He is choosing to stop work for a few months without pay, it suits our family and our childcare needs. But, we wouldn't dream of cancelling our CS payments, I don't think that would be fair.

I don't think much of your ex- or his wife.

I do understand how your husband is feeling especially if he is the only breadwinner. Whilst in some ways it is admirable that you are so understanding towards your ex's position, I think perhaps some of your understanding needs to go to your husband who is left to pick up the slack through no decision or fault of his own.

My ex didn't pay a penny for 7 years and now only pays enough for DS bus fare to school and nothing else. However, I am the one who picks up the slack and therefore I feel I every right to be as understanding (or not!) as I like. If DP was picking up the slack then I think the situation would be very different and if he felt like your DH does, then I would do my best to ensure that my ex paid for his kids or that I picked up the slack myself.

One of the main issues in step parenting is that choices and decisions are readily made by the natural parents which can severely impact on the step parents lives, but they are expected to just put up with things and get on with it - "you knew what you were getting into" being the favourite comment of choice!

I expect your husband feels powerless in his situation. Is there any way you can help him to feel more control and that he has more say in how things affect him? I appreciate your ex giving up his job is not your fault but sometimes it's the little things that can make us feel "part of it" and not excluded.

glass I was trying to be polite when I said "peeved off"!!

I think DH ( and myself) are finding it so hard because it's very frustrating that it's so wrong yet there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Just for an extra slap in the face before ex left he brought around DCs Christmas presents. Two presents each, wrapped up but exactly the same. One in a box the other is quite clearly a laptop bag. So not only has he bought them a laptop each when he supposedly cannot afford to pay maintenance but he has outdone us on any present we can afford to buy the DC's this Christmas. So on Christmas day he's going to be the oh so wonderful daddy buying expensive gifts and behind the scenes we'll have had to scrape the money together for Christmas and for bills. And I'll be the big bad mummy when I have to tell DS that we can't afford to pay for his football club anymore and may not be able to finish paying for his residential trip.

The only problem with the situation from my perspective is that your DP knew you came with two children and when he made a commitment to you, he also made one to your children too, imo.

redhen I'm trying my best with DH but he thinks I don't understand because I am not a step parent. I have told him I will look for a job but we worked out I will pretty much have to work full time to make a difference which doesn't really fit in with childcare that we can afford and school pick up times etc.

We have agreed that when DC's go to see their father he will have to arrange the transport. Basically DC's will have to fly to see him and it's at least a 6 hour round trip to the airport from where we live and right now we cannot afford the fuel.

Yes my DH does feel powerless, as do I. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

fridakahlo - but he made that commitment thinking that the kids father was helping to support them, as he should rightly do so. Now this "father" has basically stuck his fingers up at the step father and said "you look after my kids, I'm opting out". Whilst rubbing it in his face how he isn't struggling by buying kids laptops for Xmas!

redhen you have hit the nail on the head that is exactly how DH feels. He keeps saying he feels like my ex is laughing in his face.

Can I just say it is the principle of the matter that DH has got a problem with. He treats and loves my DC's as if they were his own.

This is clearly a very difficult situation, and I sympathise with your DP. Despite the rights or wrongs of what your ex has done, it does seem not that, if you really can't afford stuff for the kids, then you need to extend your hours. I think that would also go some way to helping your DP to feel that he alone is not carrying the can on his own for your children.

It's incredibly frustrating for both of you but there is very little you can do but just get on with life and take heart that you and your partner are doing the "right thing" by the kids. You won't get anywhere with the CSA for the forseeable future as they are notoriously rubbish for chasing the self employed even with upto date accounts. If their Dad can up and leave as easily as this, then the kids will work out where their priorities lie eventually and it will be with their Step Dad and Mum.

I know some won't agree with me but depending how old the kids are, I think there is nothing wrong with explaining to the kids that can't have such and such because Daddy doesn't pay for them any more. Harsh but sadly it's the truth and by hiding it all you are doing is allowing the kids to be him on some sort of pedestal. Part of bringing kids up is to teach them to deal with difficult times and if they can see you doing that, then I see that as a positive. My DS used to ask why he couldn't have x y or z like little johnny in his class and I would simply say because little johnny has a Mummy and Daddy paying for things where he only had his Mummy.

Well I get why your DH might be 'peeved', but I don't think you are being very fair. Your ex hasn't ditched his job to 'find himself' or sit on his bum and play on the X-box whilst DH pays for his kids. In a very difficult financial time he is taking a risk and trying to build a better future for himself - and for the kids.

And you have presumably chosen not to work, without consulting him? You have made the choices you felt were best, even though that would mean the elder/his kids had less? Did he ever object to you doing that?

I do think he should pay all the travel costs as he moved, but I don't think you should begrudge the kids laptops - new wife must have paid for them, they'll enjoy them, it seems petty and jealous to object.

i sympathise. my dh has to bite his tongue a lot when it comes to my exh, who claims to have no money for maintenance but then turns up in a new 50k car (he'll say, well, i didn't buy it, it's leased), has a gf who is dripping in diamonds and louis vuitton etc... but after many years of fighting about money and everything else with exh, i just can't face arguing any more. it IS hard on dh, but we are doing the best for ds1 and our own children, and that's all that matters. one day, hopefully, ds1 will realise just how much dh has done for him in comparison to exh. and, as i remind dh quite often, if exh wasn't such a dickhead, i wouldn't have ended up divorced and therefore able to be married to dh.